Today is day one of a new cycle and hopefully the last before my next IVF cycle. My IVF start month is September (in NZ when doing government funded IVF you get given a start month) so if it comes too early on in August then I will perhaps have to wait another cycle, but if it's towards the very end then hopefully they'll let me start. Either way we are closing in now. I am happy to say that I am actually down to one coffee a day and will be down to none by Monday! Monday is my day of reckoning and I am finally in a mindspace of being able to follow through after a month of promising myself while doing quite th opposite (willpower was severely lacking for awhile there!)
Part of my problem I think is that I just can't SEE myself pregnant. Once upon a time at the very beginning of this TTC journey I could easily picture myself with a big pregnant belly but as time has gone on that vision has faded until I struggle to picture it at all. I do try to keep a positive outlook but when you have been TTC for so long you begin to doubt that you will ever get there. You fight with yourself between positivity and doubt and often doubt is the stronger of the two. Will it ever happen? Am I capable of carrying a pregnancy? Am I destined to remain childless? What did I do to deserve this? All questions we ask ourselves from time to time. I want it bad. I have been on the verge of desperation at times but as the time has ticked by desperation starts to fade to a dull acceptance and defeat, while being positive gets harder and harder. Picking up the pieces after my failed IVF cycles I have had to wad through that doubt and regain some sense of belief. The fact I struggle to see myself pregnant and holding a baby in my arms doesn't help my mindset in the slightest! Clearly this is something I need to work on before my next IVF cycle, as I don't think that it's good to be trying to achieve something that you no longer believe can happen. I do believe there is a link between mind and body and don't want to sabotage myself! Thanks to a lovely reader of my blog, I have some new books to read of inspiring true stories of woman who have come out the other side of infertility. They always pick me up and give me renewed strength and belief so I'll get started on those and hopefully I'll soon be able to start building that vision back up again.