CROSSING BRIDGES

I'm a planner. I can't help it! I was born this way and I swear I've got worse with age! When I went over to Europe by myself for my big OE I had everything booked in advance. I knew where I was going, where I would be on what days, where I was staying, how I was going to get there . . . you get the picture! I like to know in advance what is going to happen. I hate to leave things to chance. This is partly why I am a bit of a walking encyclopedia on infertility. If infertility was a subject I would ace the exam! I have read books, researched for hours on the net, asked, enquired, studied, tried just about everything there is. Knowledge is power and if I can't get pregnant I am bloody well going to know everything there is to know about how to get pregnant until it happens. Again, control freak!

Everyone says to me that I should focus on our next IVF cycle and not worry about what will happen if it doesn't work (heaven forbid!) I know, I know, cross that bridge when you come to it should in theory be the best approach. Trouble is I am already well BEYOND the bridge. I am perched on the other side already when it comes to trying to work out how we would get approx $25k+ to carry on with fertility treatment. I have already decided that if this next one doesn't work then the 'baby or your money back' scheme is what we want to do (hopefully we would be eligible!) The premise is this: if you have had no more than 2 failed IVF cycles already you are potentially eligible (conditions do apply) for this scheme where you pay up front for 3 cycles and if you don't have a baby to take home within those three IVF cycles (including all frozen embryo transfers) you get 70% of your money back. I like the premise of this scheme because it means that we aren't out of pocket a fortune if we fail . . . but like anything there are conditions attached. If you get pregnant first cycle you forego the rest of the cycles you have paid for AND the rest of the money. A single IVF cycle is $9k-$15k and if it doesn't work then that's it. I like the fact that there is money to fall back on in the worst case scenario and that you know right from the get go the cost with no hidden extras.  If those failed we would have attempted 5 IVF cycles and I think at that point I would be ready to explore other options. But again, I am getting WAY ahead of myself! See, can't help myself! Except in this forward thinking scenario I still have no idea how we would get the money and therefore I am in panic mode.

I understand why people think it is best to live in the moment and not worry about what will happen 'if''. To an extent I used to be one of those people but you have to understand the way life has worked out for me to this point. Everyone who knows me knows that I like to look on the bright side of things. I try not to dwell on the negatives but you're not human if you don't wallow every now and again. When my mum was sick I was positive she was going to get better. Even right up to the end I was in denial and buried my head in the sand until I was literally confronted with her death bed as I was so positive that everything was going to work out. I have lived the worst case scenario before and can't help but plan for it again to avoid the mad fumbling that confronted me when my mum died where I lost a little piece of myself and had to learn who I was all over again. You learn from experience and my experience is that it is better to have a back up plan than rely on the best case scenario. But that's just me!

I wish I could cross that bridge when I come to it but that isn't my nature! So when you hear me thinking ahead, worrying about what might never happen don't think 'Oh, she's so negative, she's not even trying to be positive for her next cycle' because I AM! I am Little Miss Positive (ask anyone who knows me!) but I am also Little Miss Plan Ahead! Quite the combination!