I hate food at the moment. I seem to spend so much of my time occupied with thoughts of what I can possibly stomach to eat. The trouble is I crave something one day and then vomit it up and then can't stand the thought of it again. I seem to be going off everything and I am really struggling to think of food items that I can eat (especially for lunches at work). It used to be so easy to pop out for a nice filled roll or something equally healthy but you don't realise how few options you have until you aren't allowed things and I don't want to live on a diet of pies and cheeseburgers (ugh!). I just can't handle the thought of food right now whatsoever. And I don't want to be at work as for some reason my work environment really increases my morning sickness and I spend all 5 days of the working week feeling absolutely miserable. Of course I am thrilled to be pregnant but I am just so drained. Does it make sense to be happy and miserable at the same time?
Friday, November 26, 2010
At the time we had been together for all of about two weeks. We had been hanging out as friends for about 4 weeks prior (taking things really slow given the circumstances) and he used to pick me up from the hospital and take me to his house and cook me a homecooked meal just so I wasn't eating hospital food all the time, even though the hospital was well out of the way from where he lived. At the time I felt like I was practically living at the hospital. When mum was admitted for the last time we had no idea she wouldn't be coming home at all but as things deteriorated and then she was moved to a hospice it became apparent we weren't going to have a miracle. The HG could have run the other direction - too many complications with this girl. But nope. He was amazing. When he got electrocuted (yep, he's got nine lives this one!) and was in the hospital hooked up on heart monitors just down the hall from my mum's cancer ward he didn't tell me because he didn't want to worry me. He was totally thrown in the deep end with my family, visiting the hospice while mum was on her death bed just so I could introduce him and then holding my hand throughout the funeral preparations and beyond. This is a man who had never met my family prior to this and had been in a realtionship with me for all of 2 weeks.
My mum died in July and by September he had proposed.
So, I have decided it is time for me to give something back and if he desperately wants to find out the sex of our baby at the 20 week scan (given that bubs decides to share!) so he feels he can bond and do up the nursery to his liking (he's a painter and decorator by trade and has a million ideas for a nursery) then so be it. After all, he has let me choose the names! But those dear bloggies, will remain a secret! Gotta have at least ONE surprise!
Posted by Haidee at 7:45 AM
Thursday, November 25, 2010
I realise that this has nothing to do with infertility but I have been following this story for the last few days and my heart breaks for the families and loved ones of the 29 miners who have been lost. I just felt the need to acknowledge this very sad day in NZ history. The news site Stuff summed it up the best and I have copied and pasted an extract from todays article below:
(Copied direct from here)
We said a prayer. We shed a tear. Last night hearts ached.
It will be the same today. Tomorrow . Next week. Next month ...
We will pray for 29 men who went to work and did not come home. Mates – sons, fathers, uncles, grandads – Coasters who lay together inside that foreboding chamber in the Paparoas. Pike River mine.
Men who we had not kissed, cuddled, argued or laughed with for almost a week.
Men who fate shut the door on when they merely went to work to earn a living.
They traipsed in on Friday not knowing there would be no Saturday, no Sunday, no Monday.
Now, because of the cruel hand dealt on a Wednesday, there will be no tomorrow.
One mine explosion – most likely unsurvivable. But we clung to hope. Double up – two explosions – a greater power holds the ace hand.
Twice within a week, nature's response has been devastating. Toxic gases, concussion, life-sapping forces, probably flame – certainly extreme temperatures were visited on the workforce of Pike River. At first, certainly in the first few days, for many right up until yesterday, there was hope that at least some would survive. That they would emerge to mourn with us the fate that had befallen workmates.
Then, yesterday afternoon, six days on, no time to wonder any more. Another explosion. Maybe bigger than the first. That was the end.
So we prayed, we cried for 29 men, most we didn't know. Some we had not seen for too long. No chance of righting that now.
For families who have gone through another kind of hell over the past week. Who have clung to each other and that innate trait we all need now – hope.
Families who were caught up in the web of some macabre pantomime – twice a day gathering to learn more about coalmining than they need to, who learnt nothing really from officialdom and who each day saw the sun sink lower. These are heartbroken people. And they are angry. Some may not even be sure who they are angry with, but they have just experienced disaster management by committee. No-one deserves that.
When the sun shone five days in a row on the Coast this week it was casting light on a slice of New Zealand which has suffered too many days like this: Brunner, Strongman, Cave Creek. Too many.
Stoic. Strong. Fighters. Friendly. That's what they say about Coasters. They don't know the half of it. But now they need all this and more.
We prayed for a man New Zealand has only known for a few days – Peter Whittall, a cuddly bear who has spent most of his life below ground. A man who has quietly led men and managed mines. A big man with a broken heart. Peter hired most of them, inspired all of them it seems. How did he cope with the weight of the past week on his shoulders? He stood in front of those families – and note that he stood alone – and heavy of heart told them that all those dreams that the impossible might happen, were gone.
Posted by Haidee at 7:28 AM
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Wow, how did that sneak past me? Thank you so much for embracing my blog and following me on my journey to pregnancy and now beyond. I now have 103 followers and 208 FB blog fans! I have been overwhelmed by the support and love that has been shown to me since I started blogging in May and I can't thank you enough! I can only hope that those of you who are still on the journey to that elusive BFP don't have too much longer to wait - sending hugs and hope to you all!
It's still hard to believe I have crossed that line into pregnancy and have only 4 or so more weeks to endure before I enter the second trimester. I can't wait to cross that threshold now. To be honest I am actually pretty relaxed. I know that it's not a given that I am on the home run yet and we are still in the danger zone but I looked up some stats (always researching!) and according to those given my age and the fact we heard a healthy heartbeat and I have had no bleeding whatsoever, our risk of miscarriage has now dropped to about 4% so I have chosen to forget about what could go wrong and embrace it with thoughts of a happy ending. I'm starting to get really excited and talk more about 'when the baby comes . . .' and obviously freak out at the thought at the same time hence my last post! And I haven't even thought about the actual giving birth part yet (eek!) - will worry about that closer to the time! I have an exciting few weeks ahead which I am hoping will make the time go by faster. I am going to a Bon Jovi concert in two weeks time which I can't wait for and then of course Christmas is starting to sneak up on us. I just want the holidays so I can sleep! I'm sooooo tired at the moment, sleep sounds like a great plan for my holiday break (although pretty boring!). I also have my 12 week scan booked in for the 17th December so less than a month away. Plus all those Christmas parties (minus the cocktails of course). Bring it on and let the time fly by!
Posted by Haidee at 7:50 AM
Saturday, November 20, 2010
The night of the scan I had a mini breakdown. I cried for about an hour and laughed inbetween (I think I was perhaps going slightly hysterical). The HG annoyed me so I locked him out of the house for about 2 minutes before I let him back in - he was highly amused and laughed at me as I threatened to deck him with the frying pan. So what started it? First of all I was feeling sad that my mum wasn't here to enjoy this with me. She would have been so very excited to become a grandmother and after such an exciting day and one filled with great relief to hear a heartbeat I was feeling emotional that she wasn't here to share it.
So that's what started it. Then I just started getting overly emotional for no reason (pregnancy hormones maybe?!) and bawled and said to the HG that I had no idea what to do with a baby. I had a major freak out. I may have been TRYING to get pregnant all these years but I never thought BEYOND the getting pregnant part. And after seeing the heartbeat I had a 'Oh my god, we're having a baby! I don't know how to raise a baby - do you?' (this directed at the HG) moment. He was like 'Well, we raised a lab and a cat and they turned out ok (both of whom were staring up at us with hungry eyes awaiting a feed and wondering what the hell all the fuss was about) Um, I don't think a cat and a dog are quite the same thing as a baby, dear husband! Anyway, I eventually calmed down and blamed the pregnancy hormones for my outburst but truly - I have NO IDEA what to do with a baby!
I'm sure this freak out will be just the first of many!
Posted by Haidee at 7:34 PM
Thursday, November 18, 2010
We have one healthy baby with a flickering heartbeat, measuring 7w2d and tucked up in a very healthy spot! We didn't get to hear the heart beat but we saw it flickering away. I have attached a photo of the scan (not that you can see much at this stage, although I can see the family resemblance . . .)
OMG - we're really going to have a baby!
Posted by Haidee at 12:19 PM
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Thanks for all your well wishes and reassurances! I am going to stop letting those negative thoughts in my head and replace them with excitement and happy thoughts for a good outcome tomorrow. We will hear out little babies heartbeat and it will be magical. I have been waiting three years for this moment and I am determined not to let fear ruin it for me.
Posted by Haidee at 8:32 AM
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Only 2 more sleeps until our first scan on Thursday! I'm excited but absolutely and utterly terrified at the same time. I'm so scared they won't find a baby tucked up in there. Is this normal? I know I shouldn't be thinking like that, after all my HCG levels are nice and high (Fridays BT at 6w4d was 47,662) and the MS is still awful. I have been so sick. And Saturday I slept from 10.30pm, woke at 7.30am to take my meds and went back to sleep waking up at 12.10pm! Holy moly! I NEVER do that, I'm an early riser in general and not a daytime sleeper but obviously my body needed it. So I certainly have all the symptoms of a healthy pregnancy but I'm still terrified! The HG was trying to drag me into more baby shops over the weekend but all of a sudden I've become resistant to buying anything. I just want to see that healthy heartbeat before I invest anything more into this dream. Does this make any sense?
At least I have acupuncture today which I am HOPING he will be able to do something to help me get through the days with this morning sickness. This baby must be a boy because surely a little girl wouldn't do this to her mumma . . . and besides, baby has my husbands appetite - cheeseburgers, fries, no fruit, fizzy drinks, pies . . . gotta be a boy!
Posted by Haidee at 7:22 AM
Thursday, November 11, 2010
THE HG'S WORK OF ART!
Neither the HG nor I have changed a nappy in our lives. Ever. Not once. We brought our first packet of nappies in the supermarket shop a few weeks ago and tonight the HG decided we needed to get one out to examine and figure out how they worked. So out came the teddy bear (we couldn't find the cat) and a good 5 minutes of hysterics as we tried to put it on. You'd think it would be easy right? Pop it between the legs and do it up? Yep, but we spent five minutes trying to remove the 'paper' to reveal the sticky bits to stick it on, only to then figure out it was velcro! We have ALOT to learn!
Posted by Haidee at 9:32 PM
Thank you so much for all your lovely comments that were left after my last post, it was something that had been playing on my mind for quite some time and I appreciate the feedback!
I promise to start documenting more about my continuing journey into motherhood but right now . . . I'm not doing so good. I'm sorry but I have to say it and it doesn't make me any less appreciative of this precious miracle growing inside me, but I feel miserable. You'll remember me wishing for morning sickness just so I could feel pregnant. Well, I now have it. Bad. I vomited 6 times yesterday. I woke up at 4am this morning and spent a good half an hour hovering over the toilet feeling sick. This isn't much fun. I always had the rose tinted glasses view of pregnancy and I just never knew quite how debilitating morning sickness can be. And who called it morning sickness anyway?! This is all day and night sickness! I must say even when I was struggling to concieve I never got upset when reading complaints about MS because let's be honest - no one likes feeling sick to their stomach. It's not a pleasant feeling. I have found one thing that seems to ease it for longer than half an hour and that is Burger King cheeseburgers. Unfortunately the HG doesn't think BK cheeseburgers are very good for me but I tend to argue that baby very much likes BK cheeseburgers because it's the only thing that I can stomach right now. I can understand his concern but surely it's better for me to keep eating cheeseburgers that stay in my stomach than fruit that baby certainly DOES NOT like at all (must take after his daddy who doesn't eat any fruit - that's right, no fruit. Never has, never will!) and just bring it straight back up. What do you think? At least looking on the bright side of things having MS means baby is growing. I have a follow up BT tomorrow to check my rising beta and I think it'll be pretty good considering the way I am feeling. My last one was 12,654 at 5w4d and they said that was high (I checked a website that has a whole lot of average betas for different stages submitted in by thousands of woman and mine was about 5000 above the average so I was very pleased with that) I was also told by the nurse I may be able to come off the progesterone pessaries shortly! Yay!
Posted by Haidee at 7:29 AM
Monday, November 8, 2010
I'm sorry I have been such a slack blogger since I got my BFP. I know it may seem a bit like I finally got pregnant and then decided to abandon my blog and all my followers but the reality is I am just feeling a bit lost. Let me explain - for sooooo long I have been 'the infertile girl' who was striving to get to the end goal. I know pretty much all there is to know about infertility treatements, the ins and outs of it all, the emotions and the angst. And now I am on the other side of the fence and I don't know what to write about. I have survivors guilt. I don't want to bombard you with stories of my morning sickness which has just kicked in, or how tired I am or how nervous I am feeling about my upcoming scan. I don't want to be insensitive to those of you still battling to get your BFP and still living the pain of IF and the uncertainty every day. I have been struggling with FB too as I know my status updates have been a bit 'baby and pregnancy' related and I always said I wasn't going to do that but at the same time I just want to embrace it. I am finally pregnant and I am excited but I am also weary of hurting anyones feelings and coming across as a 'smug' pregnant lady.
You may also notice I have eased back on my commenting somewhat and that is because I just don't know what to say. I feel like a bit of an intruder and I can feel the pain resonating through some of the blog entries and I feel for you so much. I have offered hugs and thoughts here and there but I don't want to sound like a broken record of 'Keep trudging on because you will get there in the end and it will all be worth it!' as I know how hard that can be to hear when you just don't know whether you will get there and there is so much unknown. I know the author of those comments (myself in some cases) really does mean what they say but to an infertile it can be a comfort but also a curse as it is so scary not knowing whether that is true or not.
So please bear with me as I try to come to terms with my newfound status and find a place for myself in the IF community. Just know my thoughts are with all of you still battling on to that elusive BFP and if you are a follower who is finding my blog too hard to read now that I am pregnant, then I will not be offended if you choose to un-follow me as I know how hard it can be and you have to do what is right for YOU. I just thank you for all your support up to this point and wish you all well and BFP's galore!
Posted by Haidee at 7:56 AM
Friday, November 5, 2010
I've had a request to write a blog entry about what my 2WW symptoms were so here goes!
My main symptom was . . . no symptoms. I had period type cramping and that was about all! I could have sworm my period was coming but the cramping eased off to a full type feeling a few days after the positive test. The only other things I noticed were that my skin was beautiful and clear (I tend to break out in pimples at the first sign of AF arriving) and my nose randomly bled a couple of days before the test. I didn't even know that was a symptom until I posted it on my FB fan page and found out otherwise! My boobs weren't sore, I didn't feel sick (still don't) and I wasn't tired. I still don't really have those symptoms! I did feel a little bit like I had the beginnings of a cold though and my nose has stayed a bit stuffy since then on and off. So if you are in the crazy 2WW don't give up hope! It really does feel like AF and pregnancy symptoms are one and the same so don't write yourself off just because you don't FEEL pregnant because I didn't and STILL don't. GOOD LUCK!!!
I also had my third HCG test today and my levels have risen from 1036 last Friday to 12,654 today. Apparently this is really good so I am stoked. Another hurdle over, just another 6 weeks worth to go!
Posted by Haidee at 5:11 PM
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Hey Ladies, I'm still around just not much to report!
Still no sign of morning sickness, still not tired, still no other pregnancy symptoms to speak of . . . I actually want to start feeling nauseous soon just to FEEL preggers (as crazy as that sounds!) I am now 5 weeks and 1 day. Our first scan is scheduled for the 18th November when I am 7 weeks and 3 days pregnant. Seems sooooo far away! In the meantime trying to take each day at a time and avoid thinking something is going to go wrong. I got the info pack from the clinic today about pregnancy after infertility and how it's totally normal for woman to always be thinking the worst because they want to protect themselves. I'm trying not to though, I promise! One day at a time and happy thoughts . . .
Hope to have some more of you girls joining me soon!
Posted by Haidee at 8:39 PM