We started planning for a baby long before we started TTC. We used to lie in bed at night and excitedly discuss baby names, pondering, argueing and contemplating our future children and the way we wanted to bring them up. We have names picked out and we have discussed the nursery. Hubby has big plans for this, some of which I tend to disagree with such as the blackboard paint on the walls (can you imagine later when the child doesn't understand he/she can draw all over one wall but not all walls!) and the glow in the dark roof paint (um, need I say more?) I even have a secret stash of baby stuff. Yep, I am guilty of having a drawer with a couple of adorable baby jumpsuits, a beautiful Hungry Caterpillar baby book, some little teeny weeny socks (so cute!) and even some hand me down maternity clothes. But no baby. And the excitement that we felt at the beginning of our TTC journey has instead been replaced by anxiety, fear and trepidation. I want the excitement back! Once upon a time the idea of our baby was so exciting and all we could talk about. Now we don't really talk about it as often. Of course, we talk about our fertility treatments and what the plan of attack is and everything inbetween but the actual conversations about our future baby which used to get us so excited have gone out the window and been replaced by a heavy silence that suggests we are now unsure if it is ever going to happen. Deep down I do believe that we will be parents but part of me is scared that it isn't going to happen. We need to get excited again before our next IVF cycle but with excitement can come bigger disappointment when it doesn't work and I don't know how much more disappointment I can take.
Stopping by from ICLW... I hope you get your excitement back. I think it's a hard line between hope and realism, and we have to walk it so finely. Will be thinking of you & your journey ahead. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteHey I so know what you mean...that is what I have found the hardest in this journey so far, the fact that the 'magic' of trying to make a baby has now gone, and as you said it has been replaced with anxiety and fear.... I hope that when we are finally pregnant that we will feel the magic and excitement of it all again! xxx (Jane)
ReplyDeleteI realised yesterday that I know deep in my mind to have a daughter would be all my dreams come true. Then I realised I never ever think about it, I won't let my mind go there because I know it is not likely to happen and I just don't want to imagine how great it really would be if my dreams came true. Hope you get your excitment back, I call it going into survival mode! Survival mode is a must for IVF'ers!
ReplyDeleteStopping by from ICLW.
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to say that you have to get your hopes up otherwise why would you bother trying IVF again. And I'm not convinced a BFN hurts any less if you block any sensation of being excited. All you have stopped is the good feelings that you do get to experience while the hope is there. I want to wish you all the very best with your next cycle. Hoping it brings you your enthusiasm back and a BFP so you can start turning those dreams into reality.
BTW love the blackboard paint, but see the downfalls, won't mention this to my hubby - he also has grand plans.
I can relate to the shine wearing off the when we have chdren conversations. IF wears you down! I can't help but hanging onto a thread of hope despite the odds. Best of luck next time around.
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