We started planning for a baby long before we started TTC. We used to lie in bed at night and excitedly discuss baby names, pondering, argueing and contemplating our future children and the way we wanted to bring them up. We have names picked out and we have discussed the nursery. Hubby has big plans for this, some of which I tend to disagree with such as the blackboard paint on the walls (can you imagine later when the child doesn't understand he/she can draw all over one wall but not all walls!) and the glow in the dark roof paint (um, need I say more?) I even have a secret stash of baby stuff. Yep, I am guilty of having a drawer with a couple of adorable baby jumpsuits, a beautiful Hungry Caterpillar baby book, some little teeny weeny socks (so cute!) and even some hand me down maternity clothes. But no baby. And the excitement that we felt at the beginning of our TTC journey has instead been replaced by anxiety, fear and trepidation. I want the excitement back! Once upon a time the idea of our baby was so exciting and all we could talk about. Now we don't really talk about it as often. Of course, we talk about our fertility treatments and what the plan of attack is and everything inbetween but the actual conversations about our future baby which used to get us so excited have gone out the window and been replaced by a heavy silence that suggests we are now unsure if it is ever going to happen. Deep down I do believe that we will be parents but part of me is scared that it isn't going to happen. We need to get excited again before our next IVF cycle but with excitement can come bigger disappointment when it doesn't work and I don't know how much more disappointment I can take.