"Courage doesn't mean that you are fearless,
it means that you are strong enough to keep on going,
even when things are tough"
I'm feeling sad today. Not so much for myself as for friends who haven't had a good run lately and for them my heart aches. Unfortunately getting pregnant isn't easy for some of us. Someone asked me today when I mentioned I had been suffering a bit of anxiety lately leading up to this next cycle 'Why don't you just try the traditional way?' Um . . . hello?! Do you not think we have tried that already!! We are doing IVF as it is our last resort - not because we are impatient (although by this time we are and have a right to be!) but because we have tried and not succeeded with every other option and don't want to wait forever to have a child.
For every year I don't get pregnant I grieve just a little bit more for the plan I had in mind for the shape of my family that just isn't going to be. We wanted to have two children but we have since realised that financially we will only be able to have one due to the cost of IVF. Unless a miracle occurs, our little family we always dreamt of just isn't going to happen. And for that I also grieve. We had big dreams of having a fun, loving and rowdy household with little kids running around laughing, our own little family Christmas traditions, the traditional hectic family life. Instead our house is quiet . . . too quiet at times. Especially after returning home from visiting friends or family who do have little children. The house echos in the silence of a childless house, always a reminder of what we are missing out on. I really don't mean for this post to sound negative but this is how it is for us. We spend so long being poked and prodded with IVF and other procedures but in the long run there are no guaruntees . . . sometimes some of us won't even get to the point of having a chance of being pregnant from these procedures. We have put all our heart, soul, hope and money into fertility treatment but sometimes procedures get cancelled for various reasons or things don't go to plan or it just doesn't work. And every time we try and fail a little more of us breaks inside . . . but over time we get back up and carry on because we want what everyone else has. A family. And we will keep going until for some reason we are no longer able to. So ladies, we aren't alone, each of us is on our own personal journey's but we are all in it together.
Cling to that little piece of hope with both hands and run with it.
This post nearly wanted to make me cry especially since we are clinging onto hope that we will be able to have baby No. 2. At the moment that means we will be lucky enough to be chosen by a special birth mother or I'm blessed with a miracle baby. Keep holding onto that hope, I sometimes forget to and I really don't think I'll ever give up my dream of wanting more than two children.
ReplyDeleteLove you xx
ReplyDeleteHaidee i can totally understand the grief for the life you dreamt of. Only this week i was sitting with my mum and the thought occured to me that every year that we are ttc is a year that my kids won't have with my parents. We've lost 3 precious years already.. how many more will i lose?
ReplyDeleteYour post reminded me i'm not alone in this, thank you xx
Couldnt have said it better myself. It is so easy for us all to feel alone and all encompassed in our own lost dreams that we forget there are other people out there going through the same or similar things. xx
ReplyDeleteI agree with all of the above, Haidee so very well put. I completely understand where your heart is at. I pray we may all hold onto to hope. And for whatever purpose, there is a reason our quest for a family is not as easy as our neigbours... I'm glad we're not alone though... ....holding onto hope. x
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