LEFT BEHIND

Ok, so I read an article on the web the other day that had been posted by another blogger that spoke about how infertile couples aren't bringing awareness to their cause through speaking out because people are 'ashamed' to be going through it. It also spoke about how once an infertile has a child they often turn their back on the cause and try to forget what it was like to experience it. I tend to agree with some points of this article. I understand how it is a very personal issue and in some circumstances it is in our best interests to keep it to ourselves, but I also think that we do need more people to step out of their comfort zone and bring more attention to our cause so we can achieve the healthcare that we deserve. If we don't, who will? Secondly, I do think it is sometimes forgotten about once a pregnancy is achieved and I have been hurt by this a few times. 

Case in point, a couple of years ago I was really supportive of a girl I met on one of the forums I post on. She had been told devastating news and was really down in the dumps and depressed so I emailed her frequently just to make sure she was ok. Several months later she became pregnant and of course I was THRILLED for them. But after the happy news came silence. Obviously I am still on this road to parenthood myself but have I heard another word from her to ask me how I am coping? Offering support in return? No I have not. And it hurts me that I was there for them when they needed it the most, but as soon as they achieved their dream then I was immediately forgotten as they got caught up in their joyful news. I am sure I am not the only one who feels like this. I have vowed that if I achieve a pregnancy before other friends of mine in my situation, that I will never do to them what was done to me. It hurts enough to be left behind, but it hurts even more when people you considered friends don't want to be reminded of the pain they went through by continuing a relatonship with those of us still going through that pain and uphill battle of emotion every single day. Or they don't know what to say, so they chose to say nothing and leave us feeling isolated and alone. This is something I have kept inside for a long time but after I read that article I realised I needed to get it out there. Don't get me wrong, I have some wonderful friends who I have made on this journey who now have beautiful bundles of joy and are still amazing but unfortunately there are a tiny few who haven't. So when you do achieve your dream, please don't forget those of us who are still struggling. Your success is what gives us hope.

Here is the article if you're interested:
http://www.self.com/health/2010/08/breaking-the-silence-on-infertility

ONE DAY DOWN!

I am so proud of myself! I FINALLY achieved it - I cut out the coffee completely! WOOHOO! This is a HUGE achievement for me. It's not the first time I have done this as I did it last IVF cycle too and it took me a good 3 weeks to overcome my withdrawls. It was awful. I regret throwing that out the window and drinking coffee again as soon as that cycle failed, as now I have to do it all over again and it SUCKS. I have been saying for weeks now that I was going to do it but I haven't been motivated enough. But today, I decided enough was enough and I had to quit the excuses. Apparently caffeine can affect your success rates with IVF quite significantly and therefore I have chosen to quit. But man it makes me miserable! Some of my withdrawl symptoms are headaches, shakiness, loss of concentration, fatigue, the tendency to trip over my own feet and I might get maybe just a tad grumpy and snap a bit like a snarling dog if things don't go my way. Just a bit. I feel for my poor workmates, I really do! Jobs at work that wouldn't usually bother me end up stressing me out. The computer keeps freezing and I get ANGRY and want to throw the stupid thing out the window. And the photocopiers kept jamming . . . AAAGGGHH! I even offered to go and get the afternoon coffee's from the cafe next door (I had a hot chocolate like a good girl) just so I could inhale that wonderful aroma of freshly brewed coffee. It's awful, I am truly addicted. This time last year I was drinking 4 cups a day and the year prior was 6 cups, so I think I can say that to get to none again is quite the achievement. I just hope I don't have another 3 weeks of withdrawls this time or I might not have a job OR a husband for too much longer! Apologies in advance if blog posts in the near future take on a slight negative, tantrum throwing, woe is me vibe! Now, I must go find some pain killers for this damn headache!

TACKLING THE SPARE BEDROOM

Ok, so part one in my 'get excited' plan is to tackle what will become our nursery. Currently it is hubby's storage room and I am sad to say that the curtains haven't even been opened in several months! Yikes! My husband is a surfer, fisherman and diver and as we don't have a garage he tends to keep all his gear in the spare room. Once upon a time it was stored tidily but as he isn't a tidy person by nature, what starts this way does not stay this way! It is also our spare bedroom and when we first moved in I had it made up beautifully. Now it is still made up beautifully BUT it is hidden under fishing gear which is all over the bed, the set of drawers, life jackets, dive bottles, fishing and dive bags, tackle boxes EVERYWHERE. I can't even GET to the curtains to open them without rearranging the whole mess or attempting to climb over the top of things. As this is our only spare room, I don't think it shouts out to our baby that we are ready for them in the slightest. If the magic stork of fairytales decided to materialise and drop a baby on our doorstep, we would have no room to put it. So, I want to clear the room out in preparation for turning it into a nursery. I thought maybe we could even start thinking about paint colours for the walls and clear out a whole lot of clutter. It's a start anyway!

GUARDING AGAINST DISAPPOINTMENT

We started planning for a baby long before we started TTC. We used to lie in bed at night and excitedly discuss baby names, pondering, argueing and contemplating our future children and the way we wanted to bring them up. We have names picked out and we have discussed the nursery. Hubby has big plans for this, some of which I tend to disagree with such as the blackboard paint on the walls (can you imagine later when the child doesn't understand he/she can draw all over one wall but not all walls!) and the glow in the dark roof paint (um, need I say more?) I even have a secret stash of baby stuff. Yep, I am guilty of having a drawer with a couple of adorable baby jumpsuits, a beautiful Hungry Caterpillar baby book, some little teeny weeny socks (so cute!) and even some hand me down maternity clothes. But no baby. And the excitement that we felt at the beginning of our TTC journey has instead been replaced by anxiety, fear and trepidation. I want the excitement back! Once upon a time the idea of our baby was so exciting and all we could talk about. Now we don't really talk about it as often. Of course, we talk about our fertility treatments and what the plan of attack is and everything inbetween but the actual conversations about our future baby which used to get us so excited have gone out the window and been replaced by a heavy silence that suggests we are now unsure if it is ever going to happen. Deep down I do believe that we will be parents but part of me is scared that it isn't going to happen. We need to get excited again before our next IVF cycle but with excitement can come bigger disappointment when it doesn't work and I don't know how much more disappointment I can take.

TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING

I feel a bit yucky today and I'm perhaps getting a small taste of what to expect with morning sickness, except in my instance it is more to do with how much wine I consumed. I learnt something last night - when you have been trying to conceive for nearly three years and in that time you have cut back the alcohol to perhaps an occasional glass of wine, your ability to handle said wine is greatly decreased to what it used to be! I still feel a touch queasy now and rather on the blah side. However, I had a fantastic last night on the sparkling wine regardless of the fact that 3 bottles shared between two people is rather alot more than I can currently handle! But from here on in I am off the alcohol AND the coffee! This is going to be a challenge as I have rather re-developed a taste for the wine! But I want a baby more, and so I am going to give this next IVF cycle everything I've got. I really hope it's enough.

FROM ONE EXTREME TO THE NEXT!

Ok, so I think I have gone slightly overboard on the preparation front! One minute I can't quit the coffee and I can't even be bothered going to buy some multi-vitamins, the next I go to the other extreme! I now have enough bits and bobs to warrant a drug lab. If people came to my house, they would be wondering if I was operating an underground pharmacy out of my kitchen. I mentioned previously about the new herbal tea I discovered which is supposed to 'tone' the reproductive organs, so I am having a cup of that 3 times a day. It still tastes a bit like flowers and cinnamon, but it's growing on me. Although, I do wonder if perhaps I am a bit allergic to something in it! Every time I drink it my throat feels a bit swollen and my asthma packs up but . . . I'll persevere! What's a little breathing difficulty in the scheme of things?! On top of that I raided the local health store today - I got some more pre-conception multi's, some probiotics, some fish oil tablets AND I start my antibiotics for the ureaplasma thingy I was diagnosed as having by my GP. I'm going to rattle. My hubby is on menevit and I am losing the battle in trying to get him to cut out the beer. Soon I will have to put my foot down but in the meantime I will let him have his one pleasure, considering I have a bottle of sparkling in the fridge with my name on it for Saturday. The alcohol free thing can wait till the first of August (a bit like the coffee thing, always procrastinating!)

A PRIVATE BATTLE

"What counts isn't necessarily the size of the dog in the fight,
it's the size of the fight in the dog"

My husband and I were at a crossroads in the beginning when it came to deciding when we would start trying for a baby. I was in a lonely place at the time, still struggling to come to grasps with my mum's passing and felt that having a baby might fix my broken heart and bring back a sense of family. He wasn't ready. We argued back and forth for awhile, and I eventually accepted a bribe to get a kitten in order to wait another year so he could buy a boat (fishing is his passion and he knew if we got pregnant before he brought a boat he would never own one) He also wanted to enjoy one last year just the two of us before having kids. Little did we know . . . 

Of course, the first year came and went and then the next with all the tests, operations and fertility drugs that came with it. He has been absolutely amazing the whole way through with his unwavering support, but I must admit that like alot of woman, there were times I thought he didn't really 'care' that it wasn't happening for us. I felt isolated in how I was feeling and couldn't understand why he was still so blase about it and seemed happy enough with all the waiting. Was he happy he got two extra years and counting of 'freedom'? It wasn't until he suddenly started suffering from anxiety attacks that we realised just how much this was actually affecting him. 

An anxiety disorder is usually triggered by a certain event, and for the life of us we couldn't figure out what it was. Obviously the infertility factored, but that wasn't what started it. Later in counselling it was pinpointed back to the last appointment we had had with our fertility specialist where we were told to keep an extra close eye on my recurring uterine polyp situation because of my family history of cancer. Uh huh! 'Cancer' was all my husband heard and that triggered what turned into months of anxiety attacks and all that goes with it - constant shakiness, insomnia, weight loss, heart palpitations. It was a nightmare. He was miserable and because he wasn't sleeping it was that much harder. I remember having a small arguement with a workmate one day at work, and bursting into irrational tears because I was sooooo exhausted, emotionally AND physically. He was scared that he was never going to have a good nights sleep again, and took himself off to the hospital at 4am one night to get some sleeping tablets just so he could sleep. We always think our men are bulletproof, but all those years of supporting me through grief with my mum, and the stress of infertility, the word 'cancer' and what he percieved as a threat of losing me, broke him. Funnily enough, it didn't even register with me and I just nodded in agreement with my specialist and said I would keep an eye out for symptoms. It was an awful time, but in hindsight it was also a valuable lesson learnt. He is fine now. He got free counselling sessions, attended a 6 week course on dealing with anxiety and started a mild anxiety medication. He learnt that part of his problem was the lack of control. It was totally out of our hands. Everyone always says if you work hard enough you can make anything happen, but infertility is one thing you can't control. He was also worried that he wasn't going to be a good dad, and even though he wanted it as badly as I did, he was scared. 

I really admire my husband for having the strength to stand up right in the beginning and say 'Something is wrong' rather than just brushing it under the table and pretending everything was ok while he fought a private battle. I also greatly admire his openness to what he went through, and the fact that he is not ashamed of it and has helped so many other men who opened up to him after he shared his story. When our baby does decide to make an appearance in our lives I think my husband is going to be an even better dad now that he has worked through his fears. In fact, I think he is going to be an AMAZING daddy and I can't wait until that day.

THE TRUTH ABOUT ME & BABIES . . .

I have a confession. You know how some woman just look right at home with a baby in their arms? They cradle it, cooing and talking and the babies face lights up in pleasure while they gaze lovingly and confidently into the face of their holder? That's not me. In fact, even well into my twenties my friends would race off to find a camera if I happened to be caught in the awkward situation of holding a baby. I would always decline politely or hold a baby briefly and uncomfortably, while the baby would take one look at me and start squirming (or screaming). I am not naturally maternal. I know next to nothing about babies, toddlers or children. I have never babysat in my life and would quite frankly probably freak out if I was asked to! I have never changed a nappy. Yep, you read right! I wouldn't have a clue! I'm the girl at the baby shower who puts the nappy on the teddy bear the wrong way around or jabs the safety pin through the teddy's leg. It's not that I don't like children (obviously since I'm trying to have one!) but I am just awkward. I didn't have any little brothers or sisters or grow up around any baby cousins, so it doesn't come naturally to me. In fact, just the other day my dad told me that he hadn't even realised I ever wanted children until we confessed about our fertility issues! I think it's safe to say I am getting better though, just through spending time with my nephews and niece plus friends children. I am learning that they are really just little human beings and nothing to be scared of. But I still haven't changed a nappy. Plenty of time for that in the future!! I hear when you become a mum it comes naturally. I sure hope so or I'm going to be in big trouble!

SELF DOUBT

Today is day one of a new cycle and hopefully the last before my next IVF cycle. My IVF start month is September (in NZ when doing government funded IVF you get given a start month) so if it comes too early on in August then I will perhaps have to wait another cycle, but if it's towards the very end then hopefully they'll let me start. Either way we are closing in now. I am happy to say that I am actually down to one coffee a day and will be down to none by Monday! Monday is my day of reckoning and I am finally in a mindspace of being able to follow through after a month of promising myself while doing quite th opposite (willpower was severely lacking for awhile there!)

Part of my problem I think is that I just can't SEE myself pregnant. Once upon a time at the very beginning of this TTC journey I could easily picture myself with a big pregnant belly but as time has gone on that vision has faded until I struggle to picture it at all. I do try to keep a positive outlook but when you have been TTC for so long you begin to doubt that you will ever get there. You fight with yourself between positivity and doubt and often doubt is the stronger of the two. Will it ever happen? Am I capable of carrying a pregnancy? Am I destined to remain childless? What did I do to deserve this? All questions we ask ourselves from time to time. I want it bad. I have been on the verge of desperation at times but as the time has ticked by desperation starts to fade to a dull acceptance and defeat, while being positive gets harder and harder. Picking up the pieces after my failed IVF cycles I have had to wad through that doubt and regain some sense of belief. The fact I struggle to see myself pregnant and holding a baby in my arms doesn't help my mindset in the slightest! Clearly this is something I need to work on before my next IVF cycle, as I don't think that it's good to be trying to achieve something that you no longer believe can happen. I do believe there is a link between mind and body and don't want to sabotage myself! Thanks to a lovely reader of my blog, I have some new books to read of inspiring true stories of woman who have come out the other side of infertility. They always pick me up and give me renewed strength and belief so I'll get started on those and hopefully I'll soon be able to start building that vision back up again.

MY HUSBAND

Did I mention that my husband has the same kind of luck I do?

Early one morning when he was 15 years old he went fishing off the rocks at the local beach by himself and ended up diving in and pulling a dead body out of the water (I won't go into the details as it's disturbing but you get the gist). If a car is gonna crash he'll be the witness or first on the scene (this has happened numerous times!). He was driving home on the motorway one night directly behind a truck carrying the big plastic piping that they put underground when the load let go and bounced around his car, over the top and narrowly missed striking him. He caught himself on fire once too . . . but that was more his fault than anything else! You don't smoke fish with white spirits and you don't then try to put it out by jumping on it and catching yourself on fire . . . and you don't then run through the house on fire! Or sleep on satin sheets a few days later. He was first on scene to drag a guy out of an apartment that caught fire. He was then driving home just the other day and an old man in his underwear ran out in front of his car yelling that his son was trying to kill him with an axe (no exaggeration!) so he had to call the cops and be witness to that too! 

I think given the combined luck we have, surely it's time the tide changed and we got some GOOD luck!! Although having said that, the fact that he has been in fires and narrowly avoided having his head taken off by flying pipes is pretty good luck in itself! If he was a cat he would have used about 4 lives by now (I didn't mention the getting stranded on the rocks overnight during a storm and hypothermia did I? This we don't talk about as it's still too traumatising) So all in all, I guess I'm pretty lucky to still have a husband!! Now we just need a baby to complete our little family. Please?!

DECISIONS

I have had a fantastic weekend losing myself in movies and books and not thinking about TTC at all! I have been drinking coffee, eating decadent foods and drinking sparkling wine. It has been so refreshing and I have decided that if this next IVF cycle doesn't work then I want to take a years break from the whole darn thing. Having said that though, I could change my mind once I get back into the swing of things, but quite frankly I am not feeling overly excited about my next IVF cycle either. I think that's why I am really struggling to get into the pre-conception swing of things with my coffee cut back, healthy eating, acupuncture etc. I'm just not that into it. By no means have I given up or feel like it is no longer what I want. I do! But this TTC road is exhausting. You live and breathe trying to get pregnant. Everything you do, the decisions you make, the way you live, the money you save, the things you eat and drink is all consumed with your TTC effort and I just want to remember what life was like BEFORE TTC took over my life. I don't want to be poked and prodded, injecting myself day and night and feeling miserable from all the drugs.

We are closing in on the three year mark in January 2011 and I think a years break from it all to concentrate on other areas of my life that have been neglected could be in order. When I say break, I more or less mean from the fertility treatment circus, including all alternative medicines but not preventing altogether (who knows, a miracle could occur!) I want to drink three coffee's a day and not feel guilty. I want a glass or two of wine with dinner and maybe more when I feel like it. I want a spa on the deck to drink my wine in. I want to go overseas on holiday with my husband, buy nice clothes and go out without feeling like I should be saving my money or spending it trying to get pregnant. I want to have fun and be normal, not the girl who can't get pregnant who everyone feels sorry for. I just want to be me again.

WISHFUL THINKING

Yesterday I popped into the local health shop to price some pre-conception multi-vitamins. While I was in there the sales lady decided to point out some herbal tea which she said is supposed to be amazing. Of course, being me and not being able to resist potential new cures I thought I might give it a go, but first I went back to work and checked out the website to get a bit more info. It is a herbal tea which is supposed to tone and strengthen the female reproductive system, regulate the cycle and promote fertility (Here's the link if you're interested: http://www.artemis.co.nz/products/16-PMT_Ease_Tea) So, off I went today and brought some! It tastes like flowers and I swear there were petals once I had infused it but I'm going to persevere! Does anyone else still hold onto the desperate hope that they could conceive naturally even after being told be fertility doctors that it is really unlikely?  I can't help but dream that it could still happen. I have seen numerous alternative therapists who have told me they strongly believe that I don't need IVF to conceive and it is simply a matter of fixing other issues - a hormone imbalance, blocked qi, yeast infections . . . it all depends on who you're talking to! But I can't help but carry that little bit of hope around that a miracle could still occur. Part of the reason I still hope is that:

A. I have a proven hormone imbalance which clearly presented itself when I was temping and showed conclusively that my progesterone was too low to support a pregnancy second half of my cycle. It has only been looking more promising for about 3 cycles in the past year and a half but is still not perfect - maybe if I can fix that I could be in with a chance?

B. I had a uterine polyp until January 09 (so the entire first 12 months TTC) and it returned within 8 weeks but wasn't removed again until August 09. Uterine polyps are known to reduce fertility.

C. I have a blocked tube which potentially (more than likely) halves my chances. 

SO really, I could have only had a year and a bits opportunity to actually conceive in the last 2 and a half years. This means that combined with a uterine polyp and hormone imbalance which has only been looking ok for 3 cycles, I have really only had one cycle I could have potentially conceived in . . .

Oh, to look at the bright side of things! How's that for wishful thinking!

MY BABIES

Women and cats will do as they please, 

men and dogs should relax and get used to it.

I realised tonight that I am perhaps over compensating for my lack of a child with my fur babies. I thought I would go and find a couple of photos to share with you and couldn't believe the number of photos I actually have of my cat!! OMG! It is almost embarrassing. You would think that he was my actual child the number of photos I have taken. I have to say though that I think they're pretty darn cute but I'm just a tad bias. Shimano is our 5 year old black labrador and Yeti is my precious kitty and they are SPOILT. 

I do wonder how they are going to react when the time does arrive and a newborn human baby is thrown into the mix! They won't know what's hit them! The cat has run of the house as most cats do (you knows what they say - dogs have masters, cats have servants!) and he knows it. He sleeps on my feet every night, demands food and attention and has a tendency towards jealousy. The dog has a tendency to sneak up on the bed himself in the middle of the night if it's cold and I'll wake up with the dog between the hubby and I (please keep in mind I am talking about 45 kilos of dog!) and I can barely move. Obviously when I DO get pregnant, then this scenario is not going to play out well! They also get Christmas presents . . . yep, they get their own stockings stuffed with goodies which they get to open on Christmas morning. Shimano's usually consists of a giant chew bone and some other treats and this year Yeti got a giant catnip mouse which he loves. Pets are like children to many of us because that is all we have, so we do seem to transfer all our love to them. However there are going to be some seriously put out cats and dogs out there when we do all finally achieve our dream!

A FISH OUT OF WATER

I went into a baby shop the other day and I guess it would be a bit like a man going into a lingerie shop to buy lingerie for his wife. I'm sure I am not the only one who feels like they are about to get kicked out for being an imposter when they walk into a baby store. You nervously look around to see if anyone has noticed this non-pregnant, childless woman in the store looking a tad lost and confused and completely out of their depth! 

We went into the Baby Factory when we were doing our second IVF cycle as we wanted to send a message out to the universe that we were ready for this. I wanted to buy a little outfit as a reminder of what the end goal was - how hard could it be? Man, we had no idea! 00? 000? 0000? Huh?! Initially we took up an outfit and just before parting with my cash I thought I had better ask if it was the standard newborn size. My husband had held it up and studied it and announced that that looked about the size of a baby (I think perhaps he was hoping to escape in a hurry!) The lady looked at me and was like 'No, that's for a premature baby' I was like, 'Oh, so what is the normal size for a newborn baby?' (while hubby looked at me and was like 'You have to push out something even bigger than that?!') and I swear she almost rolled her eyes at me like I was the only woman in the world who didn't understand the intricacies of baby clothing sizes. Well, I'm sorry but when you're infertile going into a shop full of teeny tiny adorable little clothes is not a good place to hang out and be reminded of what you're missing out on. But at the same time it's tempting, a bit like the local candy store where you know it isn't good for you but you can't help but admire and drool and wish. I can't wait till the day that I can go into a baby shop and be just another pregnant woman smug in the knowledge that I do know what I am doing. But then again, I probably still won't have a clue! Ask me about infertility and I can tell you anything and everything but actual babies? Uh, uh! No idea! But that's a whole other blog post for another time!

FACEBOOK

As you can see above, I just started a Facebook page for my blog. I initially wasn't going to because I wasn't quite sure how to go about it but after two hours of frustration last night (hence no blog entry!) I have it up and running. I spent most of the two hours uploading all past blog links and must offer sincere apologies to those of you who hit the 'Like' key BEFORE I had finished uploading (ok, before I had started!) I should have added the 'Like' link to my blog after I had done all that so as to not bombard everyones News Feeds, but I clearly wasn't thinking. The funniest part is that I bombarded my own news feed and when I logged on this morning I let out a bit of a groan when I saw all those posts from myself! Who is that annoying woman posting a million links . . . oh, that would be me! So I'm sorry, lack of caffiene and all that! I put on my own personal status update tonight that I would from now on only be posting new blog entries on my blog FB page, therefore not letting every Tom, Dick and Harry on my friends list know. I can just imagine the sighs of relief that brought to many of the male species who have been wondering what all this Maybe Baby stuff is all about and surreptitiously looking over their shoulders to make sure no other male present in the room could see the crazy woman on their newsfeed posting about some infertility stuff! In fact, I wonder how many men I have left on my friends list who haven't blocked me by now!

It was bad enough trying to explain during coffee breaks how this whole IVF stuff worked to my four male workmates (I'm the only girl  so you can imagine how disappointing that was when you come back from scans all excited and have only men to share with!) However, I would say that they are the four most eductated men on the entire process of IVF now, much to their dismay! In fact, I made one of them jab one of my needles (empty of course!) so he could see what it was all about, and see what I had to do every day. That was a fun day! Same workmate who chewed one of my chinese herbs on a dare and has never let me forget as apparently they do taste as bad as they smell! When I got my drug kit we all went through it together (ok, maybe I went through it and showed every item like a show and tell at school but I was excited!) and we had a bit of a laugh when I said very loudly that I couldn't work overtime as I had to go home and do my drugs (much to the visiting electricians amusement!) I then had to explain that I didn't mean drugs drugs but he wasn't convinced.

Moral of the story - hit the 'Like' key so I can maintain some male friends! Thank you!

FALLING OFF THE TTC WAGON - PART II

Well, I started making progress with my fitness and caffiene goals and then the weekend happened. It just happened and somehow I am now back to square one and really need to do extra work to counteract my bad habits! My husband was away this weekend so I thought I would take the opportunity to have a really girly weekend and got out a bunch of chick flicks (gotta take the opportunites as they arise!). I then decided I would indulge in some nachos made with cheese supreme doritos and plenty of tasty cheese and sour cream (yum!) to enjoy while watching my movies. These also turned into lunch on Sunday so double the indulgence. Also, since my husband wasn't there I didn't sleep too well. You know how it is when you're home alone . . . your mind can easily run away with you. I don't think it helped that in amongst my chick flicks I had also rented Shutter Island - stupid, stupid, stupid! Not the movie, I'm calling myself stupid for watching it before bed while home alone!! So anyway, I needed coffee to wake myself up in the morning and another to wake me up later in the morning (you get the picture!) Oh, and did I mention the chocolate? You can't have chick flick night in without chocolate! I know you understand . . . so back to square one today! Let's see if this week will be better!

A DAY OF REFLECTION

Shona-Lee Allerton

13th February 1960 - 11th July 2003

~

Finding Bliss

by Shona-Lee Allerton

No-one knows how long their time on earth is going to be,

So when we are of an age to understand

That this is our one chance to get it right,

We should find the things that sing to our soul

And make them our driving force.

Having a fulfilled soul will bring us joy

When all is going well

And solace when life is difficult.

The songs will change with different phases and decades,

But you must always follow your "Bliss"

It is a day of reflection. It has been 7 years today since my Mum lost her battle with cancer. I am listening to a compilation of her favourite songs as I write this which we put together for what would have been her 50th birthday celebration in February this year. It was a wonderful weekend with all her loved ones and also brought alot of closure for me as I never truly grieved her death as grieving was just too painful. Now I feel sad and there are tears, but I also feel proud for having been her daughter. My Mum was sad when she passed but I feel she was also at peace as you can see from the words she wrote for her own funeral programme below. It has taken me a long time to come to that same kind of peace and acceptance but I finally feel like I am making progress. Even in death I find her an inspiration. Here is a small taste of who my mum was. 

I hope you are resting in peace now Mum, I love you.

I want you to know what it was really like, to be me.

It's important to understand the essence of who I was. My driving force, my "bliss," was beauty: creating it, living with it, being it, buying it, experiencing it in places near and far. I’m talking about beauty with value, depth, style, class, and a soul. I'm talking about beauty that would sing to me and make me high.

Because my life was so full, and I always had one of my God-given talents to occupy me, I don't feel so short-changed now. I feel I did most of what I was put on this earth to do. I always had a feeling that my time on earth would be shorter than I might wish for so I crammed a lot in.

I was an artist, a writer, and a poet. I wrote songs (not many people know that because I wasn't a singer.) I designed clothes and sewed hundreds of things for myself and my girls. In more recent years I had a successful business creating home accessories for some exceptional Wellington shops.

I created some very beautiful gardens for our home in both New Plymouth and Wellington, and loved old-fashioned roses. I also made the inside of these homes as pretty as I could. I loved making quilts and cushions and bed linen, and buying things to make my home even more beautiful, a place that would make me feel warm inside and bring a smile to my heart. I don't believe in the ostentatious, the extravagant, or the flashy; those things are for people without the style to turn modest into desirable.

I was a woman who made femininity an art form. I loved classy clothes, perfume, jewellery, make-up; just generally looking and feeling good, for me as much as for others. Would you believe, some people laughed at that.

I guess they were the kind of people who didn't have it in them to understand.

All of this might make me sound a bit frivolous. But I was not. I liked to learn things, to educate myself long after school was just a vague memory. I had a fierce interest in pre-history and lost civilisations and all that kind of stuff; in travel, and maybe most of all, in self-improvement and life philosophies. I loved to read. You could always find an interesting book at my place, not to mention many beautiful books about gardening, decorating and other feminine things.

I was unhappy with the ugly, the mundane, the mediocre. I disliked being put in a position of boredom. I disliked wasting time. That wasn't me. But in the right conditions I bloomed. My mother used to call me her little "prairie flower."

That probably summed it up quite nicely.

If I have regrets now, it is that I had so much love to give and receive, I would have liked more time with all the people who touched my heart. If there is a heaven and I am in it, just know that I will be as near to you as I can get. When you think of me, think of me as the positive, strong, smiling Shona you knew. Keep me close.

I feel I have left a legacy, that the world is a better place for me being in it, and I think that we all wish for that to be the outcome of our lives, when they end.

To have loved, to have created, to have learnt and to have taught; to know that you were the best you possible and lived as fully as you could, with your soul. To be unique, to have dug deep and found your authentic self.

I was Shona-Lee.

Remember me.

IF IT'S GONNA HAPPEN . . .

If it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen to me. I'm THAT girl.

The first time I went overseas I went to America on my own. I was only 19 years old and I was so excited but of course crazy nervous! I joked to everyone that it would be just typical of me that I would lose my luggage on the flight. Does that ever happen outside movies?! I told my mum 'Knowing me, my luggage will go missing' Never truly believing it . . . so I turn up in LA and go to get my bags . . . round and round the carousel goes until there are no bags left. And wouldn't you know it! My luggage was indeed missing! I couldn't believe it! Turns out, I was in LA and my bags were still in Auckland! I got them a week later but that was just the start of a bit of a tradition of experiences like those (which seem to mirror my TTC journey in some ways!)

I worked at a summer camp in NY for 8 weeks and guess who came across a tarantula hiding in a roll of paper in the arts and crafts room . . . that would be me! I went on a tour after the camp which took in the East Coast of the States and some of Canada and at one campground I was sitting at the edge of the ocean, taking in the view and having a couple of drinks . . . 10 minutes later a HUGE bang and where I had been sitting was just a hole in the ground (to this day I have no idea what it was that caused it!) Good. At one of our campgrounds on the same trip we were evacuated for a tornado warning. Next, I went to NYC and was there when 9/11 happened and had to change up all my flights as I had been due to fly out a few days later on United Airlines. A week later I did fly home and the plane I was on got caught up in heavy fog in Auckland (after they had dumped all the food and drink in perparation for landing of course!) and we had to land at a military base and sit on the plane for 4 hours in the middle of nowhere (although some of the overseas passengers seemed very excited about the sheep they could see out their windows!) This was a first and was all over the news. My mum rang the airport to get an update on my flight and was told 'We can't find that plane, we don't know where it is!' Um . . . enough to cause a heart attack!! I did make it home safe and sound though. What else . . . I brought a bed off a guy who got caught up in the Bali bombings a week later, my plane from Heathrow was the only one to take of in a severe thunderstorm as it was easier than getting everyone back off again (Captains words!), one of the buses in the London bombing blew up outside my hotel a week after I left . . . you get the picture!

I feel like my TTC journey mirrors this . . . only a certain percentage will not be pregnant after a year (tick!), after two years (tick!), they did the laparoscopy and dye test to check everything was as it should be but I was told not to worry because at my age it would be fine (of course, it wasn't and they found three things!), only a tiny percentage get cycles cancelled for over response (tick!), only a tiny percentage get OHSS (tick!) . . . like I said, I'm THAT girl. I'll probably be the one having the next octuplets.

If it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen to me! 

THE TTC RUT

Another thing that sucks so much about trying to have a baby for so long is how many things you put off in the hopes that you'll be pregnant soon. I have spoken about the wardrobe side of things but there is so much more you can add to that list! I like to call it living in limboland and it is a right pain because before you know it you have fallen into a rut that you just can't escape from. I'm talking about things like staying in the same job for years longer than you want to (and which you no longer enjoy) because if you leave you won't be entitled to maternity leave, so you stay and feel unfulfilled. I am not in that position myself because I like my job but I have spoken to so many woman who are. Other things like putting off overseas holidays because you have no idea whether you will be able to fly and you secretly hope you won't, so you never make that booking. Then that time comes around and you wish you had. Wanting to move house but not being able to because you need to stay close to the fertility clinic. Avoiding spending money on big ticket items because you think you will need those savings when the baby arrives. Not joining the gym or renewing your membership because you know you won't be able to go when you're pregnant but then you gain weight and don't feel as confident in yourself as you used to so your self esteem plummets. I could go on and on!  

I know in our case we ended up spending all our baby savings on a new deck out the back of our house so we no longer have any money saved for the baby! But you know what, it made us happy and I think you can only do what makes you happy at the time. Putting off life can end up leaving us in a position where we are no longer happy in ourselves because we are relying so much on getting pregnant and having a baby to make us happy. Do you think our children waiting in the wings want all that pressure on them to be the sole provider of our happiness? Or do you think they would prefer to come to a household that has alot of love to give but is also happy in and of itself? I know that it's bloody hard and it doesn't mean you shouldn't cry, beat the pillow, scream and pronounce how unfair the world is because I do! But you also need to evaluate the things in your life that you have neglected and which made you happy before you found out having a baby wasn't so easy and TTC took over your life and thoughts. It's also easy to cocoon yourself in your house and avoid the world because being faced with all those pregnant bellies and babies is just too hard and I understand that too, I really do! But it's not helpful to do that as you end up feeling even more alone. Sure, avoid the large gatherings such as baby showers and birthdays because I find that being in large gathering of babies, toddlers and parents and feeling the odd one out isn't good for my mindset. But a little one on one time with friends with babies doesn't bother me and I enjoy spending time with them. Once you take that first step you realise that it isn't as bad as you imagine it to be. It can be really hard to get out of a rut but if you do one little thing at a time you will be surprised at how much happier you feel and then when your baby does come along (and it will!) you will be a better mummy for it.

UPDATE

I thought I had better do an update about how I am getting on in the fitness and caffiene stakes given that it's Friday and exactly a week since I decided to tackle this challenge . . . I'm actually (surprisingly!) not doing too bad! I have cut down to one coffee a day (except one day but I had a lunch date with a friend and they didn't do decaf at the cafe. Ok, maybe I didn't exactly ask if they did decaf but it was a special occasion!) and I've perhaps been a little bit scratchy but it has been a pretty smooth transition all in all. Now to get ready to cut it out altogether! (GULP)

As for the fitness - I've still been exercising the Wii way and I've been doing pretty darn good if I do say so myself! Did you know you can weigh your pets on Wii fit? My cat weighs 5kg! I did that on Wednesday as part of my 30 minutes exercise routine. I also stood on an iceburg dressed as a penguin and slid from side to side to catch fish and gain points. Um . . . hmm . . . as for the actual exercise . . . ok seriously now, I have been doing the cycling which is hard on the legs and some boxing and what not. I can honestly say I am actually making somewhat of an effort! No weight loss yet but hopefully by next Fridays update I will have lost a little bit. I might need to actually start doing the aerobic exercises instead of the balance games though! I just can't help myself, I like the balance games! They're fun and they don't require much energy. Which kind of defeats the purpose. Do I still get a stamp for effort?!

QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS

I thought I would open up my blog to give you (my readers) the opportunity to ask any questions you may have for me or feel free to post a general comment, start a discussion with other readers, share your own stories or offer advice.

I also want to say a big THANK YOU to everyone who has been supporting me in my blogging! It can be quite daunting to start writing a blog about such a personal battle so I really appreciate all your support up to this point and beyond!

CROSSING BRIDGES

I'm a planner. I can't help it! I was born this way and I swear I've got worse with age! When I went over to Europe by myself for my big OE I had everything booked in advance. I knew where I was going, where I would be on what days, where I was staying, how I was going to get there . . . you get the picture! I like to know in advance what is going to happen. I hate to leave things to chance. This is partly why I am a bit of a walking encyclopedia on infertility. If infertility was a subject I would ace the exam! I have read books, researched for hours on the net, asked, enquired, studied, tried just about everything there is. Knowledge is power and if I can't get pregnant I am bloody well going to know everything there is to know about how to get pregnant until it happens. Again, control freak!

Everyone says to me that I should focus on our next IVF cycle and not worry about what will happen if it doesn't work (heaven forbid!) I know, I know, cross that bridge when you come to it should in theory be the best approach. Trouble is I am already well BEYOND the bridge. I am perched on the other side already when it comes to trying to work out how we would get approx $25k+ to carry on with fertility treatment. I have already decided that if this next one doesn't work then the 'baby or your money back' scheme is what we want to do (hopefully we would be eligible!) The premise is this: if you have had no more than 2 failed IVF cycles already you are potentially eligible (conditions do apply) for this scheme where you pay up front for 3 cycles and if you don't have a baby to take home within those three IVF cycles (including all frozen embryo transfers) you get 70% of your money back. I like the premise of this scheme because it means that we aren't out of pocket a fortune if we fail . . . but like anything there are conditions attached. If you get pregnant first cycle you forego the rest of the cycles you have paid for AND the rest of the money. A single IVF cycle is $9k-$15k and if it doesn't work then that's it. I like the fact that there is money to fall back on in the worst case scenario and that you know right from the get go the cost with no hidden extras.  If those failed we would have attempted 5 IVF cycles and I think at that point I would be ready to explore other options. But again, I am getting WAY ahead of myself! See, can't help myself! Except in this forward thinking scenario I still have no idea how we would get the money and therefore I am in panic mode.

I understand why people think it is best to live in the moment and not worry about what will happen 'if''. To an extent I used to be one of those people but you have to understand the way life has worked out for me to this point. Everyone who knows me knows that I like to look on the bright side of things. I try not to dwell on the negatives but you're not human if you don't wallow every now and again. When my mum was sick I was positive she was going to get better. Even right up to the end I was in denial and buried my head in the sand until I was literally confronted with her death bed as I was so positive that everything was going to work out. I have lived the worst case scenario before and can't help but plan for it again to avoid the mad fumbling that confronted me when my mum died where I lost a little piece of myself and had to learn who I was all over again. You learn from experience and my experience is that it is better to have a back up plan than rely on the best case scenario. But that's just me!

I wish I could cross that bridge when I come to it but that isn't my nature! So when you hear me thinking ahead, worrying about what might never happen don't think 'Oh, she's so negative, she's not even trying to be positive for her next cycle' because I AM! I am Little Miss Positive (ask anyone who knows me!) but I am also Little Miss Plan Ahead! Quite the combination!  

HOPE

 "Courage doesn't mean that you are fearless, 

it means that you are strong enough to keep on going, 

even when things are tough"

I'm feeling sad today. Not so much for myself as for friends who haven't had a good run lately and for them my heart aches. Unfortunately getting pregnant isn't easy for some of us. Someone asked me today when I mentioned I had been suffering a bit of anxiety lately leading up to this next cycle 'Why don't you just try the traditional way?' Um . . . hello?! Do you not think we have tried that already!! We are doing IVF as it is our last resort - not because we are impatient (although by this time we are and have a right to be!) but because we have tried and not succeeded with every other option and don't want to wait forever to have a child. 

For every year I don't get pregnant I grieve just a little bit more for the plan I had in mind for the shape of my family that just isn't going to be. We wanted to have two children but we have since realised that financially we will only be able to have one due to the cost of IVF. Unless a miracle occurs, our little family we always dreamt of just isn't going to happen. And for that I also grieve. We had  big dreams of having a fun, loving and rowdy household with little kids running around laughing, our own little family Christmas traditions, the traditional hectic family life. Instead our house is quiet . . . too quiet at times. Especially after returning home from visiting friends or family who do have  little children. The house echos in the silence of a childless house, always a reminder of what we are missing out on. I really don't mean for this post to sound negative but this is how it is for us. We spend so long being poked and prodded with IVF and other procedures but in the long run there are no guaruntees . . . sometimes some of us won't even get to the point of having a chance of being pregnant from these procedures. We have put all our heart, soul, hope and money into fertility treatment but sometimes procedures get cancelled for various reasons or things don't go to plan or it just doesn't work. And every time we try and fail a little more of us breaks inside . . . but over time we get back up and carry on because we want what everyone else has. A family. And we will keep going until for some reason we are no longer able to. So ladies, we aren't alone, each of us is on our own personal journey's but we are all in it together. 

Cling to that little piece of hope with both hands and run with it.

IN SERIOUS NEED OF A MAKEOVER . . .

Is it just me or are there others out there who have wardrobes that are so old and crappy that it's just plain embarrassing? I'm sure I'm not alone and I know at least one other person who agrees with me on this point. I've brought hardly any nice clothes in the last two and half years and my wardrobe is in serious need of a makeover . . .

See, in the beginning I didn't see the point in buying any new clothes because I was so sure it was just a matter of time until I would be pregnant so there was no point in wasting all that money on clothes that I wouldn't be able to fit for long anyway!  Then of course it was one thing to try after another to try and get pregnant! Clomid, laparoscopy, hysteroscopy and then the IVF that I was in a constant mindset of 'no point in buying anything, I'll just be wasting my money because once I'm pregnant I won't be able to wear them'. Then I spent all my clothes money on acupuncture and chinese herbs and the million other 'miracle cures' that I no longer had any spare cash FOR clothes. In fact I spent so much money on Elevit, Menevit and everything else that I just never got around to buying ANYTHING nice for myself. Even now I still find myself in a constant limbo of never buying anything because IVF is starting again in September and I could be pregnant and therefore there is no point! It is a never ending merry-go-round. 

So in the two and half years that I have been sure pregnancy is just around the corner I have lost all sense of fashion - I have brought cheap clothes to get by (which I have then decided I hate and never wear), I have my favourite clothes that are falling apart at the seams, others which I no longer fit because the IVF makes you gain weight (joy!) and to top it all off my hair is a mess because I can no longer afford 3 monthly hair appointments . . perhaps I just need to throw caution to the wind and do a huge shopping spree and get myself a complete makeover! And then no doubt, I will get pregnant and have all these gorgeous expensive clothes I will never fit again and which I would have been better off buying two years ago . . . 

The life of a limboland TTCer!!

FITNESS THE Wii WAY!

So I actually started my exercise yesterday!! Yes, I did have two coffee's but I started my exercise which should count for something! I love the Wii fit, it's so much fun and you are exercising while you play. Maybe not strenuously but still . . . I cycled and collected flags, jogged with a virtual cat, did some hula hooping and flapped my arms like a bird to fly between platforms (only problem is I tended to fly upwards and not forwards . . .) In amongst my 'chicken flapping' display my husband came home and found me desperately flapping my arms and trying to get the stupid chicken to fly . . . it's not easy you know! Needless to say he was most amused! Next I moved on to step class where I just stepped up and down on a board for 10 minutes (kinda boring compared to the chicken flying) All up I did 30 minutes so I am rather proud of my effort! Even if according to the Wii fitness test my fitness age is 45 and I am in fact only 28 . . . always room for improvement! Now to keep it up every night . . .

KIA KAHA

"Beautiful pictures are developed in darkrooms . . .

so when you see darkness in your life, rest assured

that a beautiful picture is being prepared"

~~~

To some of the most beautiful, amazing and strong women I have the pleasure of knowing who have had some bad news the past few days . . .

Dare to dream, don’t give up on hope and kia kaha (be strong)

We WILL get there.

Sending out hope to all those who need some.

xox

UH OH!

You know what really sucks? When you pull out an item of clothing that you haven't worn in ages and for some reason it seems to have shrunk - at least that's what I like to tell myself! Today my husband asked me to do some weeding in the backyard so I thought, right, I better put on something that is appropriate for such a thing (if you know me personally you know that 'casual' does not exist in my wardrobe!) I dug out a pair of pants that I haven't worn in yonks because they were too big and loose around the waist (which makes this post even more cringeworthy!) and now they are too tight! Yes, I can do them up but I can just see myself leaning over to pull out some rogue grass and splitting them. How depressing! When pants that used to be loose are now too tight you know it's time to lay off on the sausage rolls and start moving. Trouble is I hate exercise with a vengeance. I was the girl at school who got notes to get out of PE I hate it that much! I am so totally uncoordinated and unfit. I have always been relatively slim growing up (I went through a faze of living on V's and toast while flatting) and then I got married. I blame marriage for this. Suddenly we seem to serve ourselves up quantities to match out husbands who are twice our size and get comfortable lounging on the couch watching movies instead of out dancing (which would obviously burn more calories, even with the added wine calories!) I brought a Wii fit that has been gathering dust lately - maybe it's time to drag it out again and lay off the mudcake . . . those pants were a wake up call let me tell you! Time to get serious on this weight loss! But first I must eat all the mudcake left in the fridge . . . and the chocolate. If there's no temptation left I can't eat it later! Come to think of it, maybe I should drink all the coffee left in the house too . . . mudcake and coffee do go oh so well together! And it's Sunday and Sunday is a day of relaxation and over indulgence.

 

With that in mind, I will start tomorrow!

DIMITY'S STORY

Next on my list of success stories is Dimity's story . . .

Thanks Dimity for taking the time to write your story to share with us all xox

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My fiancé and I had been trying to conceive for about 6 months when we first found out I was finally pregnant. I couldn't believe it! We were only 21 and it had taken longer than I thought so I was so glad to finally see two lines on the 4 tests I took! We were so excited and oblivious to the outside world for weeks. I finally saw my GP and booked in for a scan at 10 weeks. We'd just told some family and close friends at our house warming party when I felt some awful cramps, a stabbing sort of pain and went to the toilet. There was blood and lots of it, I started to panic and called out to Jeremy my fiancé. Needless to say the housewarming was cut short.

I booked into my GP the next morning and he sent me straight off for a scan,.I’ll never forget those words from the sonographer "No sign of a viable pregnancy, get dressed when you're ready" and that was it. All over just like that. We'd lost our baby at 9 weeks.

We eventually began to try again, however this time it was taking longer.....alot longer. My GP assured me it can take time after a miscarriage so we just kept trying for another few months. I began to get quite concerned that nothing had happened yet (and everyone around me was pregnant!) so I got a second opinion from another GP and he referred us to a fertility specialist.

Our first visit to our FS consisted of a family history, poking and prodding, peeing in multiple cups, blood tests, tests and 'samples' from Jeremy. We felt quite confident that we'd just need a bit of a nudge in the right direction and we'd have our family. We could not have been more wrong!

We got the call from the nurse at the clinic to come in for our results 1 week later. Jeremy was at work and I thought I could handle it so I confidently went in by myself. As soon as I walked in through the door to his office I knew something was not right. You know 'that' look people get on their faces when they have nothing but crap news to share....well that was the look I got from our FS. He went through my results stating all I had was a simple Thyroid problem that could be corrected with some medication then went on to ask if Jeremy would be attending the appointment. I said 'No' and was told to call him in as we both needed to hear the news. So I rang Jeremy and he was at the clinic in a matter if minutes. The news was not good - he had a 0 sperm count. I can only explain the feeling by saying my heart fell to through the floor....I started bawling and couldn't stop. We were gutted. Our FS said he'd like to perform more testing on Jeremy (a testicular biopsy) and see how we go from there. So into the room he went and came out hobbling and whining with pain after the biopsy. Our results would be back within a few days.

We received the call to return to the clinic one week later to get our results, with everything crossed we walked through the doors to his office only to see 'that' look on his face again....I immediately started to cry. The results told us Jeremy only had a couple of swimmers and they were of such poor quality any pregnancy would end in a miscarriage. Our options from here on in were adoption, give up trying for a family or use a sperm donor. It didn't take us long to decide on the fact we wanted to look into using a donor.

----------------------

Our next step was to grab the info we needed on the donors and start narrowing down our options and choosing one as close to Jeremy's physical appearance as we could. After a few weeks we had finally decided on the right donor....our donor. Our FS insisted we try Artificial Insemination at first before moving on to IVF. Great we thought, it's much cheaper and we have a good shot at this! We had 4 goes with AI, all failed. The two week waits were absolute hell. Every time returning in a negative result. We were absolutely gutted; infertility was taking over our lives and completely consuming us. So we decided to take a break.

After a long 4 month break we saw our FS who decided it was time to start the IVF procedure. I started all the drugs (which made me a dragon to live with and be around) then after some time along we went to the hospital at 6am for my egg collection. I can't remember ever being in so much pain in my life! But it wasn't long and I recovered and the aneasthetic wore off long enough for me to hear the results. 13 eggs collected, 3 immature, 10 were inseminated using the ICSI procedure and 8 out of those 10 actually fertilised!!

Three days later we had one of those transferred and the remaining 7 were frozen. The two week wait began. I took it easy, feet up - Jeremy waited on me hand and foot catering to my every need. It was such a long two weeks but eventually it came to the last day. I could take that test in the morning!! I went to bed slightly excited as I had no symptoms of getting my period. During the middle of the night I woke up feeling some terrible cramps and knew it hadn't worked, sure enough I had got my period. I went back to bed crying and all Jeremy could do was hug me. I honestly felt defeated and like it was all over for good.

We rang our FS the next day to tell him the bad news, he scheduled another consult time for us to come in 2 weeks. So that's what we did. I'd already said to Jeremy I’d had enough of this crap, 5 goes and all big fat negative results, I wanted this to work desperately as it was really taking it's toll on us. We walked into our FS’s office, sat down and before he could say anything I blurted out "I want two transferred and that's that"! I think I took the poor man by surprise as he simply said "Ok", planned our next cycle for us and said good luck, see you in 1 week!

This time we went into the clinic feeling like this was our last chance, 2 of our embryos didn't survive the thawing process so we were left with 3 in the freezer and two on board after our transfer. Then came another dreaded two week wait....I swear this was the longest two weeks of our lives. I used good old Dr. Google every 5 minutes to diagnose my 'symptoms' which I know were all in my head. I asked friends who had children or were pregnant to remember how they felt and various other forms of insane ways to keep myself occupied!

----------------------------------

Finally testing day came, I got up and went into the bathroom armed with 2 pregnancy tests. Yes I was planning to pee on 2 sticks! I did what I had to do and waited 5 minutes in the lounge room with the sticks facing down so I couldn't see a thing. After 5 mins I quickly flipped them over and saw 2 sticks with 2 lines each.......I was pregnant!!! I was in shock. I picked the sticks up and walked back into the bedroom. I woke Jeremy up and gave them to him...he turned the light on and stared at them...."Oh my....oh my God" was all he could say. For the rest of the day we had massive smiles on our faces. I went off to the clinic for a blood test to confirm our results, the nurse phoned later on that day greeting me with a "I hope you have an obgyn picked out...you're pregnant"! We were over the moon with excitement but scared at the same time, my levels were very high but we were still worried about an early miscarriage.

6 weeks later we returned to the clinic for our first scan with our FS to make sure the baby was where it should be and there was a good strong heartbeat. I was lying on the bed waiting for him to get the ultrasound equipment ready when he said "your levels are quite high you know, I wouldn't be surprised if it was twins.....” We laughed it off secretly hoping he was right but waiting to see our baby. He performed the ultrasound and said "yes there's the heartbeat, nice and strong". Then he paused and said "and there's the second heartbeat....you're having twins"!!.

We both burst out laughing, we couldn't believe our luck and still to this day can't believe it.

I'm due on the 20th December with our twins and am 15 weeks pregnant so far. I’ve had a hard time with an illness called Hyperemesis (basically severe and constant morning sickness) but apart from that I am loving every minute of it.

I still feel the pain of infertility even though I am pregnant. I feel it for my friends; it's as raw as it was 2 years ago. I honestly don't think I will ever forget how it feels the only difference now is I know there is actually hope and an end to infertility.

All I can say to those who are still trying is please, please don't give up. When you think you're at your wits end keep pushing, you can get there. Take a break when you need it, drink that coffee, have that glass (or bottle) of wine and go again when you're ready. Don't let infertility break you, you're stronger than that. You've come this far and you will get there in the end. xxx