I am holding onto positivity that this cycle will be THE cycle for us as much as possible but I can already feel the stress starting to creep up on me. I haven't even officially started yet and I am already feeling a bit anxious and stressed about it and the what if's that linger at the back of my mind. I know that isn't a good way to start but I can't help it! I was stressed last cycle (even after I told myself I wouldn't be) The very first IVF cycle we attempted I was totally relaxed and excited and then incredibly disappointed when it was cancelled. The second one I was ok in the beginning, but the drugs knocked me around alot more than the first cycle had and I had all the side effects of the down reg drugs that I hadn't exerienced the first time around - the lethargy and headaches and hot flushes. I put it down to the lack of a break between the first and second cycle and the amount of pressure my body was under with four months of endless drugs. Then of course the whole no frosties thing happened and I fell apart. This time I told myself I would be better - I would be the queen of relaxation. I would think positively. I would not let my doubts and fears get in the way of the end goal and I would visualise myself holding our baby in our arms at the end of it all. Unfortunately though this isn't a good start.
Tonight when I got home my husband and I had a little tiff. Nothing major just the usual 'I do everything and you don't do enough around the house' type arguement. To be fair my husband is actually pretty damn good compared to alot of men. He never backs away from hard work like mowing the lawns, weed eating, putting in our driveway (which we have just finished) and what not. He even does the dishes and washing occasionally too without being asked. But, at this point I feel like I need a bit more. I wouldn't usually complain as I know he works hard in a very physical job and he's wrecked by the time he comes home but I leave for work at 6.30am every morning (in order to get a ride to work with him) and don't get home again until 6.30pm at night. Then of course I have to cook tea, make the bed, get the washing sorted, folded, new stuff hung out, feed the cat and dog, vacuum and put away the million and one things that get scattered around. No worries, part and parcel of being a wife and owning a home. However, I also need to be aware that with everything involved with the IVF cycle and the physical toll that takes on my body and emotions, it can be exhausting. And I want help with this stuff during this time. He has agreed to help out more which I really appreciate but the whole CONCEPT of doing this again is causing a wee bit of stress to start to take place. Especially with the whole exercise thing and just finding the TIME to do it. I want to be in the best physical shape for this cycle but I also feel pressured to have the circumstances perfect to start (perfectionist in me!) I don't want to sabotage myself so I really need to ease off and breathe!
I think I am just scared. And nervous. And worried about what will happen if it doesn't work. No one wants to admit we feel like this. We want to say we are excited and positive but the reality is that all of us who have been down the IVF road has probably felt this way at one point of another. Hopefully I am just getting it out of the way now to pave way for the bright happy positive thoughts to shine through when we DO actually start!