PONDERING THE UNFAIRNESS OF IT ALL

One of the things I hate about infertility is that not only am I struggling to conceive but I am watching so many wonderful woman struggle too. And it's not bloody fair! These woman would make the most beautiful mothers and yet we are all sharing in the same never ending (or so it feels anyway) journey to that elusive BFP. We can only do so much to help prepare for our fertility treatments but it's not always enough and we really have no control over it at all. And it SUCKS. I just wish I could see more success and less heartbreak. More pregnancies than Big Fat Negatives. More healthy babies born than babies lost. More healthy heartbeats and growing bumps than angels wings to signify the babies gone too soon. 

Who chooses who gets to have children? Why are there so many neglected and abused children in this world while so many who would make the most loving parents miss out?

WITHDRAWALS (AGAIN!)

I don't know what it is but as soon as I know I really need to start being good with my diet, the more I crave those things I shouldn't have. The last month I have been really good on the coffee front - I rode through the caffeine withdrawals and stuck with it even though the headaches were killing me. I have avoided all fatty foods (as advised by my FS) and chocolate, exercised and been a good girl! Then my period arrived . . . I have now had three coffee's since Friday and spent all day yesterday with a repeat wthdrawal headache. I had two on Friday and one on Saturday (against my will of course!). Ok, I admit that I didn't HAVE to drink them but my husband brought me two which was sweet of him - one on Friday morning because we stopped at the place that make my absolute favourite coffee and he wanted to treat me, and one on Saturday morning which he brought from the local bakery and delivered to me in bed because I'd been up half the night in agony with cramps and was super exhausted. And I had one Friday night because it was part of a set menu and they didn't have decaf (I did ask, honest!) And they were delicious! Then Sunday all I wanted was a pie for lunch so I munched down a mince and cheese pie even though I had homemade pumpkin soup in the fridge that I had made Saturday. And then to top it all off I had a Rocky Road Memphis Meltdown Sunday arvo. Bliss! Chocolate and jelly swirled ice-cream dipped in marshmallow and coated with nuts and coconut chocolate! It's funny because I haven't really been tempted in the last few weeks even though I said to myself that since I hadn't officially started it was still ok to treat myself. Then I officially start and of course THAT is when I want it! Oh well, today is a new day. Let's just call it a celebratory weekend in which I got rid of all cravings in preparation for the long 60 odd days ahead!

DAY ONE!

WOOHOO! My period finally decided to arrive and I have now officially started! I had no indication she was coming until I woke up about 3am with bad cramping and went to the bathroom to find she was starting. So, first of the pills down this morning, the nurse at the clinic has been advised and I'm on my way! I also want to take this opportunity to say a heartfelt thanks to everyone who has offered me well wishes and luck for this cycle. I appreciate the support more than you can know. Infertility can be an incredibly lonely thing to go through and every comment warms my heart and helps me feel less alone. So THANK YOU.  

And away we go!

CLICHES

I just had one of those moments. You know that ones where you think about something and then 'ping!' I just realised that this will be my 3RD IVF cycle in one year! I mean I knew that but I hadn't really thought about it properly until now. Whatever happened to IVF being the miracle cure? Celebrities would have you believe it's easy and works every time. Only a select few even admit to using it but the mainstream opinion is always 'Oh, well if I can't get pregnant naturally then I will just do IVF' Like it's a definate cure. It's not. It's physically and emotionally draining. We don't all have live in nurses on standby to give us our injections so all we have to do is relax while the staff prepare healthy meals and we don't have to worry about a thing. They have endless supplies of money so finances aren't an issue. If only!

In reality it is alot more complicated than jabbing yourself and then voila BABY! A long IVF cycle takes just over 65 days from beginning to end. We put ourselves into menopause and experience all the symptoms that brings with it - hot flushes, mood swings, fatigue, headaches. For three weeks we stab ourselves with needles then for two more weeks we stab ourselves with needles TWICE a day. To a strict military schedule. One little slip and it could be over. Socialising becomes difficult because you might have to inject yourself and the drugs have to be kept in the fridge so you often can't go out and then friends stop inviting you (especially if you are keeping your infertility a secret). Which equals isolation. Then of course there is the egg collection and the waiting and the 2WW to find out if it's worked. Torture. I know I make it sound really bad and when you're actually doing it then I guess it's not that bad but I just hate the assumption that it's an easy fix, because in reality it's alot harder than that. I wish there were more celebrities willing to step up and tell it like it really is instead of lying through their teeth and proclaiming it was 'all natural' or that doing it was 'easy'. Celine Dion is the only one I can think of off the top of my head who is actually open about the difficulties.

Even people close to me are naive about the realities of IVF and seemed surprised it didn't work. But here I am approaching IVF#3. And still no bubba. I have been on this rollarcoaster for nearly THREE years. And I didn't expect that. I really didn't think I would be the last one of my forum friends to be still waiting for a baby. But here I am and I guess if I have to be here then I am going to write it how it is. I try to keep my blog amusing as I do tend to live my life with glass half full but sometimes it can be exhausting and I don't want to make it seem like this isn't hard.

Now, I just hope I can bring the happy ending that everyone is hoping for!

SMOOTHIE RECIPE

It was a gorgeous winters morning in Wellington this morning so I went for a lovely 40 minute walk along the waterfront and felt so good for it! I plan to do that every fine day from here on in and reap the benefits of exercise and fresh air. The only thing that was missing was a lovely hot cup of takeaway coffee in hand! I have to admit though that I did have one at morning tea! Work was shouting and I couldn't resist (besides, my acu guy said to treat myself occasionally as I need to enjoy life as well as try to make babies and it's better to have an occasional coffee than decaf) And it was sooooo bloody NICE! Aaaaaahhhhh, oh how I miss my morning coffee's!

Now, there have been a few queries regarding this 'super' smoothie I have been drinking so here is the recipe for those of you interested:

SUPER SMOOTHIE RECIPE

3 Kiwifruit (or 'Kiwi' as I believe you call them outside of NZ!)

1 glass of Apple Juice (pure)

A slice or two of Lemon including rind

2 small handfuls of Spinach

1 Banana

Half a cup of water

Optional extras:

 Pineapple (good for implantation apparently!) I just cheat and use one tin of pineapple in it's own juice

Mixed Berries (I add about a cups worth due to the great antioxidant benefits)

Natural Yoghurt (a tablespoon for the probiotic benefit)

Nuts (Walnuts, Almonds or Brazil Nuts particularly) - just pop a small handful in of each

Sunflower seeds - again a small handful

(NOTE: Edited to add that this smoothie lasts me for 3 or 4 days depending on glass size so don't think you have to drink the whole lot and then make a new batch every day! It keeps really well in a sealed container in the fridge)

As you can see I add all the bits and pieces that I have heard improve fertility to my smoothie, making it a super fertility smoothie! I also take three fish oil tablets at night before bed (for the omega 3 to make healthy eggies) and of course folic acid and a pre-conception multi. Oh, and did you know eggs are really important as they are good for your eggs too (eggs make good eggs!) Hehe. All my research says so anyway so I eat alot more when doing IVF and I got 18 eggs on 100iu last time so maybe there's something to it! And just one more thing - my acupuncturist says to get the most benefit you should drink your smoothies after lunch as first thing in the morning it is hard on your digestive system to digest all that raw food so you don't get as much benefit as having them at lunch time, even before bed is fine.

Oh, and I got a great online deal today at a hairdresser close to my work - cut, full colour and style for $99 (usually $205!) YIPPEE! Now I will be healthy AND pampered. I love getting my hair done, always makes me feel good and is long overdue. Now, what to do with it? Maybe time for a change and a bit of a full makeover perhaps in time for my new pregnancy look? Thinking positive thoughts!

GOOD LUCK LADIES!

NOT LONG TO GO!

I only have one day left on these drugs and then hopefully my period decides to behave itself and show up within a few days as required so I can finally ring up the nurse at my clinic and pronounce my Day 1! I'm excited but realise that I have also been procrastinating. I was hoping for another cycle after this one before we started and was irrationally freaked out when I found out my FS wanted to start me straight away. Since then I have been going a bit mad trying to cram everything I wanted to do to prepare into two weeks instead of five. I went back to acu and have another appointment today, I got into the smoothies, I have been walking like crazy and trying to eat healthy. And yesterday I didn't even have a decaf! I read on one of the forums I frequent that even decaf isn't a good substitute for coffee where infertility is concerned, so I have decided to limit myself to one a week (a girls gotta have some treats right?!) So, a couple of days from now I should be on my way! I'm freaking out! As previously mentioned, this is our last government funded IVF cycle. From here on in it gets super expensive to access fertility treatment in NZ. Upwards from $12,000 per IVF cycle! I think the reason I was happy meandering along was because as long as that cycle is still looming there is still hope. I'm scared to travel down this path towards that unexpected result. Will it be my much longed for BFP or a heartbreaking BFN? Will I get frosties? Will this work or am I soon going to be contemplating where to from here and how to even begin to afford anymore treatments? Do I give up and pursue adoption or do I take out a crazy loan and carry on toward our dream while getting us into debt at the same time? Aaaggghhh. So damn scary! I hate surprises and I hate not knowing what's going to happen. I would quite happily carry on down this road I've been on for the last few months if I had a choice, holding onto that hope rather than facing it full on. Does that sound crazy or completely understandable? I am excited, don't get me wrong, but I am also petrified!

THE GREEN EYED MONSTER

I admit it. As much as I hate to be that jealous girl sitting in the corner I sometimes can't help myself. Everywhere I go these days I seem to see baby bumps and babies and toddlers and children. They're everywhere I go and I can't seem to get away from them. I sat in the car yesterday waiting for the HG to come out of the sporting goods store (safer to stay in the car where I can't be talked into buying him some fishing related gear that he has a million of already) and everywhere I looked were families - parents and their teenagers, a mother pushing a stroller, a dad carrying a tired toddler, a mum with three young kids pushing and shoving one another as they walked across the carpark. It made me truly realise just how much I am in the minority. Having kids is so normal. And easy it seems. Except for me. Sometimes I feel like that even though I know it isn't true but sometimes you do feel so isolated. I said to my husband today that the reason insurance companies don't always cover infertility (and none of them do in New Zealand) was because even though infertility has been recognised as a disease by the World Health Organisation it was considered a 'lifestyle' choice whether to have children and therefore it is not covered, as having children is not considered a health 'necessity'. It doesn't seem to take into account the fact that the same amount of depression is seem in woman with infertility as cancer patients. My husband then responded 'but if you don't have kids to keep the world populated then what else is there?' What else indeed!

It can be so hard being 'that' childless couple. Facebook can be equally as hard to cope with for an infertile. I love Facebook and find it wonderful for staying in touch with my friends and family and finding out what everyone is up to these days but every day it seems there are new pregnancy announcements to endure (not that I'm not happy for them as I have spoken about before but once again sad for me) and especially when you are getting lapped over and over again by woman who got pregnant with their first while you were trying and are now announcing there second. Blah. I hate being a green eyed monster but MY TURN ALREADY!

MY HUNTER GATHERER

I have been mulling over a nickname to refer to my husband by on this blog for a few weeks now. Somehow I  just couldn't think of anything that was fitting but it came to me yesterday when he came home from a day out fishing on the boat announcing that my 'hunter gatherer' had returned with 27 Tarakihi (fish). It was excellent timing too as my acupuncturist is always telling me how the most important thing to be eating regularly during IVF is fish! So my hunter gatherer did very well to provide so many just in the knick of time! I must admit that I am spoilt silly where seafood is concerned as he is a fisherman AND diver and so I have decided to refer to my hubby as the HG from now on. Slightly more creative than DH but still short and sweet (hence the initials!) So it's fish for tea tonight and guess who's cooking?! That's right girls, I have a night off! This very rarely happens, I am usually the one who does all the cooking although he is the better cook out of the two of us. Why is that? Why does the woman ALWAYS end up in the kitchen?! It's such a cliche but it's always the way it seems to work. Nevermind, I'll just enjoy it tonight and next time I feel like picking a fight due to an overdose of hormonal drugs I'll remember to mention it!

THE REACTION OF OTHERS TO INFERTILITY

You know, I'm really not surprised that our men tend to be more quiet on the infertility front than we are! Unfortunately other men can be less supportive and more insensitive than anything.

You tell female friends about your infertility struggles and you'll usually get one of three responses:

#1. They'll be really supportive and try to understand and be there for us as much as possible, offering comfort and someone to talk to.

#2. They'll pop out the cliches 'Have you tried relaxing?' 'Have you thought about adoption? I know such and such, who had problems concieving and they adopted and now they have 5 kids naturally!' 'You know you can only get pregnant at one time in your cycle right?' Um, really? I had no idea! I have only been trying to get pregnant for three years and NOW you tell me I can only concieve one day of my cycle? Why did nobody tell me this earlier!

#3. Silence. They don't know what to say so they look awkward and then change the subject and avoid the topic like the plague and pretend it doesn't exist, never even asking how you are when they are fully aware of what is going on and talk about everything but.

I think I still prefer option 2 over option 3. Yes, it is incredibly irritating but at least they are TRYING to be helpful, unlike option 3 where you end up feeling embarrassed for being infertile. I mean if they can't look at me then how can I look at myself? Unfortunately though it is common for people to be uncomfortable around taboo topics and so I guess we just have to either confront them or accept it.

Men on the other hand tend to do one of two things:

#1. Wish us good luck and then change the topic (I guess that's understandable with men though, they aren't great at talking) but then quietly offer support in male bonding terms like having a beer or going fishing.

#2. (And unfortunately again the most common!) They start making jokes about their manhood. You know the ones 'Are you shooting blanks?' 'You're not doing it right' 'Let me borrow her for the night and she'll be pregnant in no time' type jibes.

Is it any wonder then that our men don't like to talk about it!

PLODDING ON

I'm happy to say that I am feeling better again today. It sucks to feel so down and out so I tend to shake myself out of moods like that pretty promptly! I think I was also tired yesterday afternoon as I actually fell asleep for a good 20 minutes at acu and felt wrecked for the rest of the day! You know how naps in the middle of the day can actually make you feel worse than before? So I try to avoid doing it but I was just so relaxed and sleepy that I drifted off without realising. 

Hubby and I also have a weekend away coming up which I am really looking forward to (and no, we are not taking the tractor!) Last IVF cycle we went away for a night too, just to spend some quality time together before the intensity and stress of the IVF cycle starts to take it's toll. I can't wait! We have a little cottage booked on a farm with full farm supplied brekky ingredients of bacon, eggs and freshly baked bread for the morning. Yum! It'll be nice to get away from the home front for a couple of days. Do you think it would be ok to allow myself a nice frothy flat white while I'm there too as a treat?! I STILL struggle on the coffee front but I haven't had one for nearly two whole weeks! How's that for determined! Woohoo! I'm so proud of myself!  It was a struggle but the headaches are gone and I don't crave them as much although my mouth still waters at that freshly brewed coffee smell . . . mmmm. And I'm happy to say that my grumpiness has eased off somewhat. My poor husband probably deserves this weekend away more than I do after putting up with my bitchy moods but to be fair, he really does need to help me out around the house a bit more and pull his weight. I work full time too so why is it even though we BOTH work full time it seems the woman always ends up doing everything? Hmm? And I know it's not just me! So as long as he carries on helping me I think we'll do just fine and I won't yell . . . for awhile anyway until the next time he peeves me off. He's just going to have to make an effort to behave! See, I'm going to make a great mum, I'm getting some good practice in discipline techniques in already! Hehe.

FOR THE LOVE OF NEEDLES

I started back at acupuncture today and I'm now feeling a bit shattered about the whole thing. I thought I was doing pretty well with my prep and the tea and all that but apparently my hormones are looking pretty terrible. Boohoo. Here I was bragging about how good I thought my temping chart was looking and my acu guy (who I have been seeing for over a year but have taken a few months off from just to have a break and save some dollars) said it wasn't looking good at all. Blah. Once he pointed out why, it made sense but I was gutted because he doesn't sound confident about this cycle for me but said he'll do what he can. I was feeling very enthusiastic yesterday and the hubby and I have been great since we had our war of words the other night, but my appointment today really rocked my confidence. He never said in so many words that he wasn't confident but he did say I'm run down and tired (which I already knew) and the only thing he can really help with is getting me healthier but there's no time for the hormone balancing since I begin in 7 days-ish. Fair enough but I'm now wondering if I made the right decision to wait so long before starting the acu again. By the same token, perhaps the fact my hormones aren't that great will help my body not to over respond again, so could be good in a weird kind of way. I guess all I can do now is carry on carrying on with what I've been doing and hope for the best! At the end of the day the acu was costing me a fortune and I simply couldn't afford it as I needed to pay off some bills in the break time prior to starting again. 

The exercise has been going ok though, although I gave up jogging in a hurry! I don't think it's normal to hear my hips clicking as I jog! I think I am way too young for that and I figure that walking is more my thing and should give up the jogging before I hurt myself, so I have been doing a 20 minute brisk walk every morning and 15 minute brisk walk in the evening going to the train station. Gotta start somewhere! Off to the supermarket tomorrow to buy my smoothie ingredients for the super smoothie I was told about (kiwifruit, lemon, apple juice, banana and spinach) so hopefully that may improve my energy levels. And I think I might sleep better now I have finished reading Twilight! I read Breaking Dawn in two days and the night I finished I dreamt all night that the vampires were after me and I was in the woods with werewolves. No wonder I'm tired!

 

THE DAMAGE

Here it is! The tractor and the hole in my house for those who asked to see it. I agree with one of my friends - I think I am a much too patient wife! Not only does this tractor look like it's on it's last legs (although I have been assured it just needs a bit of work and a paint) but it's torn up my lawn as well! *SIGH* Men and their toys.

LITTLE MISS GRUMPY

I don't know what is in these tablets that my FS prescribed me but I am GRUMPY! And short tempered. Big time. It feels like clomid all over again. Today I was making myself some cheese and pickle on crackers and my husband (I really need to find a nickname to refer to him as) asked for me to make him some too and I yelled at him that there wasn't enough cheese (how dare he want cheese on crackers!) It was ridiculous and of course I laughed about it but I just snapped. Then he decided to show me his new (new in the sense that he has just acquired it) but extremely ugly tractor that has just appeared, which he was given by a friend of his for towing the boat. I'm not very impressed with this new addition to my front lawn (the tractor is old and rusty and someone has painted eyes on it - need I say more?) and then he decides he wants to show me how it runs. He gets it going after several goes, it splutters into life extremely loudly and then he decides to drive it forward . . . except he didn't realise it was set in reverse and BAM the tow part straight through the wall of the house. He thought this was incredibly amusing and was pissing himself laughing while I screamed at him that he was a bloody idiot and slammed the door. Needless to say the neighbours who happened to be outside were doubled over in laughter too. Now I can see the funny side (kind of) since he said it's easy to fix but there is a hole in my house and he's only lucky it leads under the house and not though to the bedroom! This is just a couple of incidents in the last few days that are worth mentioning to get my point across but when you are irrationally short tempered it does not help when your husband deliberately baits you and seems to find it all so hilarious. Grr . . . I know it's the drugs but still! And I'm cramping too which doesn't help. I don't even really know what these drugs are supposed to do either! They've made my temping chart go weird (see below) and even though it LOOKS like a pregnancy chart I'm pretty sure it's just the drugs messing with my hormones.

My period is due but the drugs are supposed to keep it away until I stop taking them which is another 10 days away, so I'm not overly impressed if I have to put up with cramping for that whole time! See, Little Miss Grumpy! And next is the pill which always makes me feel very down and out. Oh, the joy of IVF drugs! YIPPEE!

EEK!

I am holding onto positivity that this cycle will be THE cycle for us as much as possible but I can already feel the stress starting to creep up on me. I haven't even officially started yet and I am already feeling a bit anxious and stressed about it and the what if's that linger at the back of my mind. I know that isn't a good way to start but I can't help it! I was stressed last cycle (even after I told myself I wouldn't be) The very first IVF cycle we attempted I was totally relaxed and excited and then incredibly disappointed when it was cancelled. The second one I was ok in the beginning, but the drugs knocked me around alot more than the first cycle had and I had all the side effects of the down reg drugs that I hadn't exerienced the first time around - the lethargy and headaches and hot flushes. I put it down to the lack of a break between the first and second cycle and the amount of pressure my body was under with four months of endless drugs. Then of course the whole no frosties thing happened and I fell apart. This time I told myself I would be better - I would be the queen of relaxation. I would think positively. I would not let my doubts and fears get in the way of the end goal and I would visualise myself holding our baby in our arms at the end of it all. Unfortunately though this isn't a good start. 

Tonight when I got home my husband and I had a little tiff. Nothing major just the usual 'I do everything and you don't do enough around the house' type arguement. To be fair my husband is actually pretty damn good compared to alot of men. He never backs away from hard work like mowing the lawns, weed eating, putting in our driveway (which we have just finished) and what not. He even does the dishes and washing occasionally too without being asked. But, at this point I feel like I need a bit more. I wouldn't usually complain as I know he works hard in a very physical job and he's wrecked by the time he comes home but I leave for work at 6.30am every morning (in order to get a ride to work with him) and don't get home again until 6.30pm at night. Then of course I have to cook tea, make the bed, get the washing sorted, folded, new stuff hung out, feed the cat and dog, vacuum and put away the million and one things that get scattered around. No worries, part and parcel of being a wife and owning a home. However, I also need to be aware that with everything involved with the IVF cycle and the physical toll that takes on my body and emotions, it can be exhausting. And I want help with this stuff during this time. He has agreed to help out more which I really appreciate but the whole CONCEPT of doing this again is causing a wee bit of stress to start to take place. Especially with the whole exercise thing and just finding the TIME to do it. I want to be in the best physical shape for this cycle but I also feel pressured to have the circumstances perfect to start (perfectionist in me!) I don't want to sabotage myself so I really need to ease off and breathe! 

I think I am just scared. And nervous. And worried about what will happen if it doesn't work. No one wants to admit we feel like this. We want to say we are excited and positive but the reality is that all of us who have been down the IVF road has probably felt this way at one point of another. Hopefully I am just getting it out of the way now to pave way for the bright happy positive thoughts to shine through when we DO actually start!

AND WE'RE ALL GO!!

I had my FS appointment this morning and I was super nervous. The purpose of this visit was to make sure that my pesky uterine polyp hadn't made a return. If it had it would have meant going back on the waiting list for another op to remove it, which could have been anywhere up to 6 months and would obviously mean postponing my IVF cycle. Well, I am pleased to say that everything is looking good to go!

But I am freaking out! Because . . . I start in 2 weeks! Aaaaggghhh! I really thought I had a good 6 weeks to get myself prepared for this but my FS said to me today that as soon as my period arrives I am to start the pill. He has given me a drug that is supposed to build up the endometrium over the next 14 days so that it strips out all the old lining to build up a nice new lining for our little one to implant itself in. My left ovary had gone mysterioulsy AWOL (has a tendency to do that!) but the right is showing signs of being polycystic again which is a bit disappointing. Oh well, onwards and upwards and I guess I just have to start my prep now and go for it! Another thing my FS asked me was whether I was fit. Um . . . no, not really! 'I want you to start jogging 4 times a week' Um . . . do I have to?! Oh crap! Me and exercise do NOT go well together. I have a tendency to trip over my own feet and I don't enjoy it in the slightest. But if the FS says I need to exercise then I am going to do it because I don't want to look back later and go 'Maybe I should have done what I was told and got fit' I also have to cut the fat out of my diet. All this is due to the polycystic looking ovary and lowering the insulin in my body so I don't over respond again so IS very important. I'm going to get our exercycle up home again (from the in-laws where it has been gathering dust for the last two years after our impromptu purchase about 2 years, 3 months ago - yep, told you I hated to exercise!) Looks like it might come in handy now though!

So, plan of attack is this - start pill on first day of my period (GULP!), start buserelin injections (to down regulate) about 2 weeks later and inject in the morning for approx 3 more weeks and then start the puregon injections (to stimulate the ovaries to produce eggs) at 75iu and hope for a nice batch of eggies! Only other change is that I am going to be on progynova tablets AS WELL as progesterone pessaries in the two week wait just to be sure my hormones are all good for implantation to take place.  In the meantime - start exercising (shudder) and cut out all fat (bye bye sausage rolls, pies, pizza and all my favourite foods) and make a baby. Easy right?!

EGG DONATION

Another reason I was so incredibly disappointed and upset with the results of our last IVF cycle and my response to the drugs was that I had always felt that I wanted to donate some of my eggs when my little family was complete. I naively went into my first IVF cycle thinking that at our age (people were always quick to remind me of how 'young' we were and how we had 'plenty' of time!) we would be preggers with the help of IVF in no time.  A bit like the beginning of our TTC journey but with a fertility doctor and needles thrown in the mix. Wrong again! After experiencing this journey myself and meeting so many wonderful woman through the forums I post on who are soooo deserving of being mothers but are relying on the kindness of strangers to have a child to fulfil their dream (as for one reason or another they can't use their own eggs) my husband and I decided right at the beginning that if at all possible I would like to be a donor. Now that we are up to cycle #3 however and still no luck ourselves I am not sure that they would consider me an option and that breaks my heart. Our fertility issues have never been about eggs - my AMH results came back as some of the best the clinic had seen (yay for a teeny bit of good news in amongst the bad!) and our issue was always more to do with sperm meets egg (in unblocked tube that may or may not be functioning normally) than sperm fertilises egg. Clearly if we can get 15 embryos out of 18 eggs in what was supposed to be a drug poisoned dud batch (even though they didn't make it to the end) then I really hope that this next cycle will be even better and not only will I get pregnant but I will have a FANTASTIC bunch of eggies that will prove I am worthy as a donor sometime in the future.

RELIEF!

Relief! My kitty cat is home safe and sound! When my husband got home he was still nowhere to be seen and the food I had put out in the morning had been left untouched. That was when I started getting really worried as he is a gut! That cat can eat, you'd think we starved him the way he scoffs his food at dinner time so when he's missed 3 meals I know he's stuck somewhere. Anyway, my lovely husband who is rather taken with my cat (even though he initially didn't want one) went around the neighbourhood door knocking and wouldn't you know it . . . our stupid cat had got himself locked in the SAME deaf woman's basement he was locked in the last time he went missing! Yep, the very same one I mentioned in my post this morning. Cat's are thick. I'm just relieved to have him home! He was pretty distraught upon being found but is back to normal now. You know the saying - dog's have owners, cat's have servants. Pretty much sums it up!

BACK TO THE DAILY GRIND

Sorry I've been quiet, I had an absolutely fantastic weekend spending time with my Nana and Aunty and was so sad to say goodbye. I miss female company! I work with all males, live with a male (not to mention the fact both my cat and dog are male) and I hardly ever get to spend time with women! And I miss it once I get a reminder of what I am missing out on. I like to do the girly stuff and I haven't been doing enough of that lately. I have got in the habit of not wanting to do much at all on weekends because I am just so exhausted from the working week and being surrounded by people all day, that I enjoy just being able to blob and do nothing for a couple of days. There's something about spending time with relatives though as it's such an easy companionship and I only get that every now and again since my mum died, as most of my close rellies live several hours away. So when they do visit I really appreciate and savour the time I get to spend with them. And now back to the daily grind . . .

On another note, my temps are still looking fantastic and I am super excited about that! I'm not naive enough to think I'm pregnant as a result but I do feel like it's a good start. Now to top off my good mood, I hope my baby (AKA my cat) who has mysteriously gone AWOL is home by the time I get there tonight! He is ALWAYS without fail (except for the other time he went missing and was found 3 days later locked in the basement of a deaf woman who hadn't heard him crying) home by dinner time. He sleeps on the bed at night and loves to eat so the fact he isn't home means he can't get home and is likely locked in somewhere again. Cats and their inquisitive natures!

SEEING RESULTS!

So I mentioned a few posts back that I was going to try something new in the form of a PMT herbal tea. I am the queen of trying something new! If there's something new to try you can gauruntee I have tried it or at the very least heard of it and plan to try it! So anyway, this herbal tea looks a bit like it's a collection of grass, petals and twigs that have been collected of the forest floor and blended into a tea. Tastes like it too, apart from a small hint of cinnamon, but really it ain't that bad. I have been drinking this tea 2-3 cups a day for a couple of weeks now but I have to admit that even though I was told be the lady at the health shop that they had seen some amazing results, I was sceptical. How many times have we heard that my friends friends sisters friends cousin did this and got pregnant? Yep, thought so! Anyway, so I wasn't expecting much but I am pleasantly surprised to say that my temping chart is looking the best yet!

It used to be out of whack - REALLY out of whack. I had absolutely no idea that my hormones were so all over the place until I gave in to the pressure of my acupuncturist to temp. I had resisted for a year and a half to temp as I had been told it adds extra stress to an already stressful situation but once I took the plunge and started I couldn't stop! Somehow it brought some control back into my situation. Since I first started seeing an FS I was content with the diagnosis of a blocked tube and a uterine polyp that 'may or may not' be contributing to my fertility issue. And PCOS that I did have, then didn't have and then responded to IVF drugs like I had but still was told I didn't have. Yep, I'm confused too! I took it as gospel and believed that there was no way I could concieve on my own and that was that. THEN I went to acu and started temping and found a whole OTHER problem that the FS hadn't picked up on. Dud hormones that made my cycle crap (for want of a better word!) Up and down temps that showed no pattern, a short luteal phase, low progesterone (blahdy, blahdy, blah - you get my drift) Anyway, so we FINALLY got it resembling normal the cycle before my first IVF after 6 months of fortnightly acu and chinese herbs and then of course the drugs from IVF stuffed everything up again. Since I am going back to acu shortly (first appointment back on the 17th August!) I thought I would temp again so I had something to show my acu guy and this cycle since I have been on the tea has been the best ever. I don't know what is in the tea or exactly what they are supposed to do but I recommend it if your cycles are out of whack and you are in NZ, as something in it is working! Or perhaps it's the antibiotics that have fixed the ureaplasma that have fixed things. Or the probiotics I've been taking nightly. See, this is the problem when you try too many things, you don't know which one is working!

Link to tea: http://www.artemis.co.nz/products/16-PMT_Ease_Tea

CONTACT ME

Just a quick one from me today!

I think you will find I am a bit quieter on the blogging front this month as I don't actually have much to say at the moment and don't want to bore you with posts just for the sake of it! So, I will wait until I feel inspired and then post. Once September hits and we start our cycle I am sure I will have ALOT to say! I just want to make mention of the fact that I now have an email addy for this blog! I thought it would be nice to be able to get to know some of my readers and further discuss posts that may have spoken to you that you wish to speak privately about, or even if you just want someone to talk to, share your story with (I love success stories too so if you feel inspired to share with me I would love to read them!) or anything really. My blog email is mummyinwaiting@gmail.com (this email address is also displayed permanently under the 'About Me' on the left panel) I hope to hear from some of you soon!

I also want to say a huge GOOD LUCK to everyone who reads who is currently cycling  - I hope all our dreams come true very soon!

OOPS

The last week or so my eating habits have been terrible and I have been even slacker with my exercise efforts! I know I said I was in prep mode for the IVF but I have been taking these antibiotics that the GP gave me for that ureaplasma thingie I apparently have.  So, my excuse is that the antibiotics have made me excessively hungry. All the time! It is a high dosage antibiotic that requires 2 tablets in the morning and 2 at night over seven days. By morning tea I have been queasy from hunger and the only thing that has made me feel better is a nice healthy sausage roll. Mmmmm. I don't know what it is about feeling sick and greasy food but honestly, that's all I feel like when my tummy aches. Like when I had a hangover the other morning several weeks ago and all I could stomach was a mince and cheese pie! I hate to think what will happen when I DO get pregnant and suffer from morning sickness! I had aimed to lose 5kg before my next cycle but at this rate I will be GAINING 5kg, and those of you who have done IVF know that you also tend to gain weight while doing it as well. I don't know if it's the hormones, the fact you are told to rest so tend to let the exercise slide or the comfort eating. Regardless, I need to get back on the bandwagon of healthy eating and exercise! Help!

HOPELESSLY ADDICTED

I don't know why, but I am addicted to the MTV reality show '16 and Pregnant' and have been since the first series. I also watch 'From Here to Maternity' (for those of you outside of NZ and Aussie, it's a reality show that follows pregnant couples to parenthood) and I KNOW it probably isn't healthy to watch so many shows portraying what I want so desperately but don't have (especially when watching immature teenagers give birth to babies they have no time for in amongst there partying and constant drama) but it doesn't upset me. Instead I just watch in eager anticipation and perhaps shed a tear or two when the baby is born and just hope that one day that woman will be me. I ENJOY watching these programmes and wonder if there is something wrong with me that I do. Does anyone else watch these programmes or is it just me and my tendency to torture myself? The key thing is though, that I don't watch them and think 'That'll never be me' and get all depressed. Instead I watch them excitedly and think about what it will be like when it's my turn. So in that way I guess it's ok. 

Another thing I have become addicted to is the Twilight Saga - heaven forbid! I wasn't interested in these teen movies and books in the slightest! The whole idea of vampires and werewolves didn't appeal to me . . . and then I had the first one lent to me by a friend. Since then I have watched all the movies and started on the books! It's a great escape and I am slightly embarrassed to admit that I have been sucked in by it all. But, it IS great mind numbing romance and drama and just what I need to take my mind off everything right now (and it hasn't escaped my notice that Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner are hot!) And yes, I do realise that they are alot younger than I am and I am no longer a teenager myself. But you can't say you haven't noticed!

I WOULD DIE FOR THAT

1ST OF THE MONTH!

Happy August everyone!

I'm super excited because I can now say that we are starting our next IVF cycle next month! Yippee! I can also say that I am starting to get that excited feeling back that disappeared for most of July. I think the closer it gets to going again, the more optimistic I start to feel that this time it might just work. I am also now 5 days into the no caffeine challenge I set myself and apart from Friday where I had one coffee (due to the fact that I was so tired that I literally kept making mistakes at work and absolutely needed it to function) I haven't slipped. Or even felt like slipping. Bring on September!