I just read another blog post which reminded me of something I wanted to write about. Why do some couples lie about how long it has taken them to concieve? I know infertility is a taboo topic but case in point - a friend of mine had mentioned that they had been TTC for over a year with nothing happening. Soon afterwards they became pregnant and had their baby. Fast forward a year and a half and I had just hit the one year mark and was feeling a bit down and lost about it all. So I contacted this person and asked how long it had taken them to concieve hoping for some advice. And they said 'Oh, it only took us a few months, just relax and it'll happen for you'. What?! I knew full well it had taken them longer than 'just a few months' so why lie? Why not be open about the fact it had taken awhile? Were they embarrassed? Do they simply 'forget'? I know I'm not the only one. No wonder infertility remains such a silent topic when some women won't even admit it AFTER the fact. I understand why some people like to keep it private when they are actually experiencing it, but if someone who is struggling themselves reaches out to you, why would you make them feel like they are alone when you know full well what it is like? Or at least have some idea even if you did manage to concieve on your own eventually? I don't understand. Does anyone have any insight into this?
Just my view on the topic - it could be that to them now with a baby it was all just a distant memory and the how long part doesn't seem so long anymore? I know my wait wasn't that long, 7 mths but at the time it felt like an eternity. Now when I look back it was nothing, I don't feel like it took any time at all so it is possible that they feel the same way?
ReplyDeleteI understand what you are saying though, when you'd just like some advice and reassurance it would be nice for someone to reach out and be there, not make you feel like every other person that says 'it will happen'
Oh, my goodness! It's insane...I totally know what you mean...
ReplyDeleteI had the same problem...Sybella took 18 months to conceive, and I rang a couple of friends who I KNEW took more than a year and asked them how they coped, and I got "oh, no, our second baby was a surprise! We didnt even plan him!!!" SUCH BS!!!!!!! (scuse the language). I was baffled and genuninely didnt understand. Exactly...why lie?
(And WHEN you have your baby, it will not sleep, and you will be surrounded by more lying women telling you THEIR baby NEVER cries and sleeps though the night!)
I dont understand why we cant be honest and support each other when we run into hard times with fertility and motherhood. Why is it a competition?
strange, I personally havn't come across this myself but I know for damn sure that I will remember exactly how long it takes down to the days. very weird.
ReplyDeleteI think it might also be a bit of fear to acknowledge it... especially if they are planning on trying for another soon. They want to try to forget how long and heartbreaking that time of trying can be so that they can face it again.
ReplyDeleteOkay my thoughts on this are...a year is the point where yes you do start to worry for sure,(well even earlier for me) but if you manage to fall pregnant before you have to go through the barrage of tests then maybe it's easier to forget?Whereas if you do go through the tests and find that there's a problem,or unexplained infertility,you start down a path that's maybe less easily forgotten. I have a friend also who told me it took her a year to get pregnant with her first child, and she was juuust at the point of feeling quite worried, and then she did fall pregnant, then no trouble at all with her second, so she has never really reached the same point in the journey that you and I and so many other women we know have.Although she has been very supportive BUT not from the point of view of someone who has been there because she actually hasn't, she never had to go through the testing, the worrying if it will ever happen, and the disappointments.Hope that that makes sense!Jane xxx
ReplyDeleteIt's not so much about the support though because they could always say, yes it took awhile but we didn't do any tests so I can't really help you on that point. It's more that they would brush it under the table and blatantly try to make out it happened immediately when it didn't. That's what I don't understand. I agree with Steph, I do think woman tend to get very competitive.
ReplyDeleteWhat is it about women being so competitive though? I guess maybe it comes down to personality? I know that I am straight up about our infertility journey to the point of being clinical sometimes when talking to my close friends etc and when one asked me a few questions cos she just hit the 1 year mark I gave her all the help I could. Yet she said she had approached another friend who would barely give her the time of day on the topic. women aye, we're all our own special brand of crazy
ReplyDeletesorry to hear about you not getting that support hun esp when you really need it. I'm always here for you! I think for some women they may feel embarassed by disclosing their issues. it will depend on how open they are in their personalities. It took a relative of mine to tell the "truth" about her IVF miracle and years of TTC after she asked me to be the kids godmother. only because she felt i needed to know. as for me - 6 years 5 months TTC - i will always tell the truth and always be there for anyone needing that support. i remember exact dates for all iui's, ivf's, fet's, epu's etc. i still remember the date we conceived our beautiful callum. Good luck at EPU! Athena x
ReplyDeleteI certainly don't lack in support these days but in the beginning (this was a couple of years ago now) she was the only person I knew to turn to. It's sad that people feel they can't be upfront about it or need to hide it.
ReplyDeleteHi MIW:
ReplyDeleteI have a theory that it has something to do with the human need to say something we *think* will be perceived as 'comforting' by the listener. You want to have a baby. Your friend has had a baby. You ask how long they ttc-ed and your friend opts for the 'a few months' followed by the old chestnut of 'relax!' I chose to view these types of comments as careless but not necessarily holding any ill intent. I stupid throw away line, that really is more about making the commentor feel better about themselves rather than lending any real assistance to the person it is directed at.
Best wishes!
LS x
Truthfully? I think we, as women, are quite competitive and people still tend to look at those with fertility issues through a different lense. I have a friend who tried for over a year to get pregnant and now just tells people it took them eight ovulatory cycles. It's as though she doesn't want to admit that it took them over a year. IF is still a stigma and many people don't want to have that label. I think it's unfortunate because if more people talked about it, then the more understanding there would be.
ReplyDeleteIt is very strange, I know looking at my sister, it took her over 2 years to conceive her first and she often spoke about it then but now she has 3 beautiful children she never brings it up. However if someone was to specifically ask her she definitely says it took her 2 years, no hiding it. I guess my point was maybe it wasn't to be purposefully deceitful, but more a matter of it seemed like nothing (because to her it no longer is?)
ReplyDeleteJust a possibility, I don't know her or what happened - who knows why people would lie about such a thing, it seems rather silly.
That is soo true! I have a really close friend who took a while to conceive. After an year of trying (and longer of NTNP) they started with tests and the doctor got her started on clomid. She conceived on her second cycle of clomid. I spoke to her recently about our difficulties. And yes, she did say "don't worry about it too much, just relax" etc. I am close to her, so I told her clearly that if she loves me one bit, the "just relax" advice should never be repeated to me. She did then go on to give me details about testing etc, but now that she has her wonderful kiddo, it all seems so far away for her.
ReplyDeleteI guess we all try to forget the painful past and live in the happy present. Most of my friends conceived in their first or second cycle, so I was really looking for support from her.
I don't hold it against her, but it will always stay in my mind. I hope someday I can reach out to someone who needs support....