On a side note from my journey so far, I want to share a little bit about how it feels emotionally to be struggling to get pregnant (for those of you who are lucky enough to never have had to travel down this path . . .)
Infertility sucks. There is no avoiding it. It hurts. Every time you hear a pregnancy announcement no matter how happy you are for someone, you hurt for you. I will be honest - until you have been through it it is hard to understand how hard it can be to hear other couples happy news, to see pregnant bellies and wish it was you, to struggle at such thing you might have once enjoyed such as baby showers and toddlers birthday parties. Infertility can make you feel like less of a woman for not being able to achieve what is supposed to come naturally. Sometimes it feels like you are the only person in the whole wide world who isn't pregnant. You are even jealous of pregnant pets! Yes, you sometimes feel a bit crazy but I guess that is the nature of struggling to achieve something that seems to come so easily to others. Let me be clear though, an infertile woman is genuinely happy for you when you get pregnant or have a baby. We are only unhappy for ourselves. So if you are reading this and have never experienced infertility firsthand I encourage you to try and stand in our shoes. Try and be sensitive when letting us know your happy news - every pregnancy can feel like another loss to us as it feels like we are being left behind once again, so sometimes an email can be good so we can have a little cry and then call you to congratulate you. Don't tip toe around us like we are going to break or avoid looking us in the eye when speaking about your pregnancy or baby or child but don't forget us too. Don't forget to ask us how we are. I know it can be a taboo topic and some people don't like to bring it up but a simple 'How are you?' will be enough and if we want to talk about it we will. And whatever you do, don't tell us to 'relax and it will happen'! It won't! Relaxing won't fix what is wrong with us - it will not repair blocked tubes, clear up endo or make sperm swim faster. I know you're only trying to help but never tell an infertile to relax or to stop thinking about it; to stop trying and it will happen or try and tell us we are 'lucky' we don't have children as they are such hard work. I know you are only trying to be helpful but we've heard it all before and it really doesn't help!
Anyone who is reading this who is on the same path as me, please feel free to add your comments and anything else you ever wanted to say not to say or do! It may help someone who wants to be supportive but doesn't quite know how . . .
Loved the comment on the pregnant pets lol. Difficult post, I don't think any of us who experience infertility or who are infertile can really explain how it exactly feels. There are so many emotions and thoughts that run through my mind on a daily basis that I could right a novel just on this topic! Many of the emotions I feel are hurt, pain, loneliness, sadness. I'm always wondering why, why me. But Haidee you have summed it up in the first line 'infertility sucks.'
ReplyDeleteYup you have summed it up well!
ReplyDeleteJust to add to the things 'not' to say, please don't tell me it's okay because I'm young and have plenty of time, this doesn't make it any easier, yes we don't have as much pressure with the clock ticking, but we are still waiting and longing for a baby as much as the next person!And by the time we have waited and waited for endless appointments, treatments etc,the years can pass by quite easily.(Janeygiraffe xx love the blog by the way :) )
Wow wonderful words that shows broadly what us women TTC go through. I try not to mention the word infertile as like you said makes us feel like less of a woman (and its like a punch in the guts) but yes having support around you and knowing people falling pregnant around means that it will be one step closer for all of us and appreciate..and yes women who have no problem TTC should be considerate that things do not happen easily and its not nice to rub salt in the wounds by telling us it did not take long for them..they could say yes it did not take us long and yes I would not know what it would feel like to be you (TTC for > 12 months) but my blessings will be sent your way
ReplyDeleteEven though I have had my baby, I'm with everyone else...never ever say 'relax & it will happen'. As you said Haidee, relaxing doesn't fix infertility, trying to relax for me, was even more stressful then trying to fix the problem & falling pg! Even after we went to the FS & were both diagnosed with fertility problems then fell pg, people said 'see, I told you to relax & look what happened!'...No, we had help falling pg because we weren't lucky enough to do it by ourselves!
ReplyDeleteoh this post is spot on.
ReplyDeleteI have nothing to add right now, but reading this sounds like you've just been rummaging round my head and put all those messy thoughts in coherent sentences!
Thank you for sharing your journey, I've only just started reading your blog but already I'm SO thankful to feel a little bit less 'alone' in the quest to become a mummy. I would just have to add that hearing other peoples success story really doesn't help either and I would have to agree that 'It will happen...' has got to be the most unhelpful words ever when TTC.
ReplyDelete