Following on from my post yesterday, I would love some insight into your decision making when it came to this decision ...
If you did decide to have an only and not TTC again, what made you come to this decision? What things did you take into consideration? Are you still happy with this decision?
If you did decide to venture into the territory of trying to conceive again, did you decide to try naturally first? How are you finding it? Is it easier second time around or are you finding yourself slipping back into the same complex emotions and obsessions as the first time? Will you give it a time limit?
Obviously I'm not in your shoes of a primary infertile. If the decision on what to do is this stressful, imagine the 'trying' part! I guess it would come down to the basic factors of finances, age, and of you are prepared to go through fertility treatment with a child, considering the effect fertility drugs can play. I imagine that one could not breast feed on drugs. Depends how close you started ttc after birth of the first one. Will the stress and treatment have any effect of the child already here? You have an FET and are supposed to rest but you have a raging 18mth old who has a high temp and up all night with a horrible cough.... Just an example.
ReplyDeleteThe advantages of primary infertility (advantages is probably a very poor choice of wording here), over secondary is that I imagine you wouldn't have many limits when ttc your first. But when ttc#2, limitations are plentiful, such as money, time, age and no doubt weighing up the effect on your first born.
Obviously I am not in this position, so I may be completely off course with my thoughts. But what I have been telling others for YEARS is that with SIF, it's not the same as primary, you have limits, you are a mum, BUT, you now know what you are missing. The reality is that my limits may cause me to never experience birth again, and it breaks my heart, but, life is still good. I am a mum already..xx
This has been on my mind a lot as well. Like you, we have 3 publicly funded tries at IVF. However, Abbey was conceived on the first try. It is my understanding that if we want to try for second child, we get three NEW tries (maybe you want to check into that in Australia to see if it's possible). We have no frosties and for me, that makes a huge difference in my decision to wait. I know for sure that if I had any frozen embabies I would want to give them a shot. But since I don't, I feel less pressure for #2. We technically aren't avoiding a natural pregnancy right now, but we certainly aren't timing it or anything like that. My gyno is giving me until July to conceive naturally(Abbey will be just over a year). If at that point it doesn't miraculously happen, we will make a decision to either go back on the bcp (to help keep my endo at bay) or meet with the fertility clinic to discuss IVF#2.
ReplyDeleteMentally I'm torn. Some days I get that baby fever and I think "I really want another" but other days I think "I love this baby soooo much and I KNOW how truly blessed I am to have her" so I feel guilty even contemplating another...like I'm tempting fate or something!
Also, Abbey is a VERY active baby and if all our babies are like her, I would want to space them out a little more lol
Once we decided to TTC I was sure I only ever wanted one. DP was less so,he was adamant he had to have two to be fair on the child(ren). After 18 months of fertility treatment and the birth of our gorgeous boy, the tables had turned!
ReplyDeleteBut the reality for us just doesn't allow for a second child and these are the reasons that made our decision:
1) It cost us $10k to concieve our baby - we don't have access to that type of money any more without going into debt
2) I was emotionally and physically drained by the time I finally concieved. I don't believe I have that in me again.
3) I was 34 by the time I gave birth. To be fair, I would want to wait 3-5 years between children so that I could enjoy the first. That would make me 37-39 for the 2nd. Some days I feel really old and tired now (I work full time with a 20 month old), I can only imagine what it would be like with another newborn!
4) We have a life that we love and can give our son so many opportunities that we both missed out on when we were young by only having one. I don't want to ever have to tell my son no, because we just can't afford it. We can travel, he can go to a better school, he can have the things he wants (within reason of course!)
Looking back, alot of things seem materialistic. It's difficult to explain, but a lot of it comes from my own childhood experiences. We weren't poor, but we didn't have much and I have 6 brothers and sisters, so the love could be a little thin some times.
Despite the chances of concieving naturally on our own being less that 2%, DP still went to have a vasectomy. The day before he went in I was watching my son totter around outside on his own and I cried, and cried, and cried!!! I was worried that he may grow up and say to me "Gee Mum, I had a great life, and did/had everything I could ever want, but damn, I would have loved a sibling". I guess that's the chance we take.
Some days I'm still not comfortable with our decision, but it's only been a short time. So I treasure the precious miracle of the one we have and I'm sure in time, I'll learn to live with the decision we have made - I just have to remember why.
It really is a tough decision to make.
ReplyDeleteI decided to go for number two - after close to three years trying for number one. We didnt use any contraception after my first son was born - for about 11months after. Once we decided to 'try' we did one tracked cycle which was unsuccessful and then used one of our frozen embryos which stuck and we were blessed with another boy.
Now, for my opinions ;-) I have no faith in the 'your body knows what to do now' statement. Also I don't think it would be a whole lot easier just because you already have s child. Maybe in the early stage but if each cycle ends in a BFN and you have decided that you really want another child then I think it would only be a limited comfort. Kind of like why should I be limited to how many children I want.
I should also say that I was fortunate enough to have six frosties so I knew I had all of those up my sleeve. This could have influenced my decision.
Obviously you and your husband are the only ones who can decide if you want to try again. just make sure you are happy with whatevee you choose to do.
These are the factors/situations which either where by mine and DH's choice or circumstances we can't control that led us to a one child family.
ReplyDelete1. It took us 6 years with unsuccessful ART, a MC and eventually a natural conception of my son - IF took it's toll on me both physically and emotionally. It wasn't till recently that my diagnosis of anxiety was a result of those ttc years. I can't even fathom thinking about ttc again after that experience.
2. Having taking so long to finally have a child it lead to me being an older mother. Although I was fit and healthy when I conceived him, being older and a family history of diabetes lead to me having gestational diabetes. My PG was always frought with fear and feeling like shit. I didn't enjoy it. Therefore, I am now even older. Turning 40 next year only adds to diminished fertility, rotten eggs and a high risk of GD again as well as physical and mental problems for the child. As a result of the PG, I am now pre-diabetic and have reflux issues. I can't take any risks.
3. Financially we live quite comfortably on a full time and a part time incomes. Although we still have a mortgage, we are able to splurge a bit as well as go on holidays. We save for a better education for my son and he will always have what he needs. My DH and I have our hobbies, which I feel is important for our metal health and relationship. Adding a second child will compromise our incomes, savings and time. Regardless, I have to work now and will have to work again even with a second child. Child care is expensive and I prefer my mum to look after my son. She enjoys it but being an older woman, who also deserves her recreational time; another child will be too hard on her. A second child will only create issues for the entire family.
They're my reasons in a nutshell. I love my life. I see the miracle of my son and what he gives us every single day. I always felt it in my heart that I will only ever have one living child. I'm not necessarily happy as it would have been great to have another child and sibling, but this is what I've been dealt with in life.
I think you make beautiful babies Haidee, go on try for another. "Regret what you haven't done, not what you've done".
This is a really hard dilemma that I struggled with too! After almost 3 yrs of ttc and IVF to have our first son, I thought we would just be happy with one, but as time went on we decided that we would try 'again'. We had 4 frozen embryos so we were very lucky. We tried one when my son was only about 8 months old and it didn't take, which was sad of course but looking back now it wasn't the right time. But I guess it helped me to realise that we did want to keep trying with the embryos we had. When we tried again it worked and we were elated!! And the process was no where near as traumatic because we already had our 'baby' I guess. Things became more complicated as when I was about 6 months pregnant we found out that our first son has Autism - it was a very hard time. And who knows what we would have chosen to do if we had known before getting pregnant. But in many ways I am so glad we never had to make that choice. And although it's been really hard at times, now I can honestly say that I am so glad we have two children. My philosophy through IVF etc has always been that I didn't want to look back and regret trying (within limits of course) so for us that meant trying our frozen embryos but I wouldn't do another IVF cycle as the first one was so traumatic. But now I do have to say that if we hadn't been successful with our embryos I think I would have beg, borrowed and stole (not really) to try and fund one more, as really what's a few thousand on your morgage so you can possibly have another amazing human being? Having said that I do think you need limits on that for your own mental health etc. And if you are blessed with any child no matter what and no matter how many, they are so precious! But also there is nothing wrong with having an only child - we seriously contemplated it and a family is a family no matter whether you have one, six or no children.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was TTC for #1 all the time I kept saying if I have one I will be happy but having become intimately involved in three peoples lives that were trying for #2 I know that I was deluding myself. Our reality is that we will most likely need IVF again and given the fact I am getting older the chances of falling pregnant naturally are super slim. Like Familyofthree this time when we try we are going to have to really save money, we wont have the luxury of DINK but both Chippie and I know in our heart of hearts that we want to have two children and if I didn't try using all available means then I know for me, this would not be the right choice. I have allowed myself at least one more full IVF cycle, but again this could change too.
ReplyDeleteMy attitude to more AC could most likely change once little miss comes along, I might decide that we want to give her everything in life and therefore funding for a new baby could seem a little selfish. But having witnessed first hand the pain of secondary infertility I would rather end up a little poorer. I think. It could change.
Although I do think that sometimes I will be a 45 year old mama that has the surprise baby......
Thank you so much for all your valuable advice and insight! I really, really appreciate it. DH have had a chat and I will update you all soon on our decision!
ReplyDeleteI have to admit that I've never given NOT trying a second thought. I've always known I wanted more than one child and I've always known that I would try for a second and, hopefully (is this greedy??), even a third. I can't quite resolve myself to having an only child because it's not what I would CHOOSE were I really able to. I love my daughter with all my heart but I know that if I end up never being able to have another, that is a loss (of a different sort) that I would have to grieve.
ReplyDeleteObviously I am in a different boat in that we were lucky with IUI and my treatments are covered by insurance. I don't know how I'd feel if that weren't the case. I hope your chat with DH is productive and you reach some resolution.
I'm sorry it took me so long to get back here to comment. I really don't know if my situation is at all relevant for you, but since you wanted to know, here goes: I've always wanted two because of fears stemming from my brother's death and because my sister and I are very close and I'd like that for my child(ren) (two different reasons, one less problematic than the other). BUT, Mira arrived at the end of our window of time. My husband is not old, per se, but he will be 60 when Mira graduates from high school, which is not young. I am younger than my husband and am just starting a new career. It won't be feasible for me to take a maternity leave right away even if we can get and stay pregnant, so it might be a long time before we could have number two. My mother-in-law is now caring for Mira when I am at work/school, and at 69, it's wearing her down. She won't be able to do it for another child. This means that the second child would not only be in daycare as an infant, which I have trouble with, but would also be less exposed to the second language that Mira is learning primarily from her grandmother. It just doesn't seem fair to the hypothetical second child. Furthermore, we live in New York, and we will likely send our child(ren) to college out of state, possibly to private university, and it will be very expensive. I don't know that we can do it with two. On top of that, my husband has simply always wanted one, and I'd have to push upstream on that.
ReplyDeleteGiven these things, I've become more or less reconciled to having one child. Since Mira's birth, the things that used to make me think I'd really want two have not weighed as heavily on me as the reasons that I would only have one. People are not always close to their siblings. In fact, it seems more rare than common. I know a lot of only children who are well-adjusted and well-supported as adults without siblings. Mostly, I just have a feeling that everything will be okay if Mira is an only; that I won't be overprotective and overbearing, and that she will establish supportive relationships with people who are not her sibling. Putting a second child in daycare as an infant would feel much worse to me (not that it's bad for everyone, but my options are limited here and I think I would not have been able to handle doing it with Mira, though she will go when she is around a year old).
All that being said, Mira is just now entering a really delicious baby stage, and I can imagine craving a repeat of this time in the future. It won't be practical, but I'm not entirely closing the door. Sometimes these things don't make any sense. I guess you have to weigh the emotional risks of either choice with the potential rewards and just walk into with your eyes wide open.