Sunday, March 18, 2012


Even though I haven't been blogging myself lately, I still take a keen interest in reading other blogs and keeping up with what is happening in the ALI blogging world. That is what brought me to the discussion on PAIL and then onto the healing discussion posts from LFCA which I have found very fascinating to read. I can relate to much of what has been discussed on there and would like to write about a few things from my perspective in the hopes that it will help people to understand why I took a backseat for the last few months.

When I started blogging and joined many of the ICLW events, I began to follow many blogs that I could relate to who were going through the same things as me at the time. Once I got pregnant I continued to read these blogs, but as time went on I started to feel uncomfortable in the IF community. It wasn't about my follower or commenter numbers dropping (as I have always openly said how I completely understand why readers would feel the need to move on from my blog as subject matter changed with my growing bump and then my transition into motherhood, not to mention the fact that I was blogging less frequently) but the bitterness tinged in some of these blogs of writers who were still in the trenches (I have edited this to add that I am NOT referring to the bitterness that every infertile feels about their predicament and the bitterness that can bite when you hear about others pregnancies, particularly those that come easy. I am talking about bitterness that comes across as downright nasty to pregnant woman and mothers. There is a big difference). It made me withdraw back into my shell and start having longer gaps between posts. When you are on the way to motherhood, or just entered into motherhood, continually reading these posts with such negative undertones about pregnant woman or mothers is really quite disconcerting and awkward, and you begin to take things personally and feel wrong about posting. So you step back. I'm not saying I never felt that way at times, that I never felt bitter about my predicament or jealous or angry, but some blog posts I read were outright poisonous. And I didn't want to be exposed to that. So although it was easy enough to stop reading them, it still left a lasting impression on me and my place in the blogging world post baby. The creation of PAIL has in some way inspired me to make a return. If others can carry on blogging post baby, then why can't I?

Do I think there is alienation of parenting blogs in this blogosphere? Yes, but I can understand why. Let's be honest, we don't seek out pregnant or parenting after IF blogs. We found this community while we were still trying desperately to conceive. I still follow infertility blogs but blessed be, most of the ones I started following 2 years ago have gone on to be successful and then teepered off on their posting, which is exactly what I did. Perception is strong in this instance. I never felt like anyone was telling me NOT to blog and no one outright did, but I just began to feel uncomfortable and there were some things that I would have liked to share that I felt I couldn't, due to some of my readership being people IRL and the awkwardness of discussing personal relationships and feelings and knowing they were reading.

In summing up I feel the need to apologise if I have hurt anyones feelings by stepping back as it was never my intention to neglect my readership. I am also very much looking forward to being able to invest more time in my relationships with my followers now that you can individually reply to comments (yay!) and finding some new blogs to follow.


  1. Although I'm not pregnant (yet :)) I think I understand where you're coming from. If I'm truly honest I always figured that I'd end up drifting away from blogging once I had a baby and the same with the forum I belong too. Most girls on there once they have their bfp head on over to the 'due threads' but I just never saw myself continuing with forums once UTD. The simple reason being that the purpose of belonging to a forum had been served - to get me through the tough ttc time.
    So I guess what I'm trying to say is that this blog is for you. Its a record of your journey and thankfully your journey has progress from the trenches to something else. All the best with the new blog direction - I for one will keep reading :)

  2. excellent post H, not much more than I can say than honest and truthful.

    celebrate your life with C you deserve it.

    those in the trenches I just left, remember they come from a place of deep hurt but they truly and honestly care and love you and are happy for you. And if they aren't - then they are not worth worrying about.

    People generally know when they are being bitter but sometimes you got to get the bitter out :)

    Loving the new design. xx

    1. I think there is a difference between bitter and BITTER. I'm not sure how to explain it but some of the posts were just plain nasty whereas others I could understand and appreciate that the were coming from a place of deep hurt. There was a wide gap between being bitter and upset about the predicament they are in and getting it out, and the posts that I am referring to.

    2. Oh I know!! It is v hard I actually just stopped following someone because if that. It's hard to find the line.

  3. Totally agree! I did a post about this not long ago. The bitterness was always hard for me to take, even before I got pregnant and had B. It always was something I had a really hard time with.

  4. Hmm. I understand the bitterness you are talking about, although I haven't seen it for a while (but I haven't been reading IF blogs for a while either). Personally, I found it too hard to revist those still battling. Every BFN or setback brought my own struggles back and it was too painful. I feel there is a valid place for life after IF blogs. Sadly the pain of IF doesn't go away after the baby arrives, no matter how much we act like it has. That's why I write about it still. Having said that, I write for myself as a reminder of what has happened. Now I have an extra dimension to add, but I will still talk about IF, and write IF specific posts if something prompts me.

  5. just found your blog via someone elses.
    I think your perspective is interesting but bear in mind that people blog for emotional outlet. So if they are feeling down and out against the world (because they are in the trenches) then let them be bitter and get it out. It's not about you personally. The same way when you talk about your child or your pregnancy it's not intended to offend those of us who aren't there yet.

    If you're offended by a blog because you percieve them to be bitter then it's time to stop reading and move onto others who are in line with your thoughts, you can't expect bloggers to stop blogging about their real emotions.

    from someone who is currently in the trenches i'd say i'm bitter a lot of the time, life is hard. You're on the other side so of course it's easier for you to have perspective and positivity. Not all of us are there yet, let us moan if we want to.


    1. I absolutely understand where you are coming from and I am not in any way saying that people should not blog about their emotions. I have edited my blogpost to clarify what I was referring to by 'bitterness'.

  6. Loving the new blog design Haidee! It isn't easy blogging after IF. Like you, I started to blog less and less for fear of offending people. Now I blog less becuase I just don;t feel the need to. I blogged becuase I had crap I wanted to get out of my head and it was a way to de-brief. Now I do the occasional blog so I can remember my pregnancy and what I experienced. I'm glad you have been able to change your blog to suit your current situation - i'm sure you will even get yourself a few new readers along the way. x

  7. I'm still ttc and even I stopped reading IF blogs who became so nasty. One in particular wished harm on a pregnant woman in a supermarket, and then went on a rant about families taking up space at restaurants on mothers day...??? But then completely flipped when falling pregnant and became a horrific pregnant person who plastered the world with her pregnant belly. I just don't like hypocrites..

    I am the first to put up my hand that if I EVER fall pregnant my blogging will be minimal. It's not a new experience and therefore know what I'm in for. Unless I end up with a surprise, who knows. Most of those I have followed and supported are preg or had babies, and like you are looking to ttc#2. Don't feel you need to justify your decisions. I will follow no matter what.

    PAIL is the birth of a new era, and embrace it. Especially if it's filling a gap. Pregnancy and motherhood is so exciting, its good to share with others with the same history.

    I admit that I have dropped my following of some pregnant blogs, as some are mirror images of others. And if they only write about week 16, week 30, week 35... I get bored. I usually have a personal attachment to the pregnant blogs I follow, followed them since well before pregnancy..

  8. Love the new look and love that your going to blog again.
    I'm one of the ones that missed your blogging. I love the way you write and can't wait to read again.

    I blogged about my pregnancy on a separate page every week which I did for me and felt it was a sensitive way of doing it. Now Alice is born I plan on doing a monthly update on a seperate page for my records but also if ppl want to read it they can. Also will blog on my main page when I feel the desire.

    Happy 30th. Love to hear what you did! Maybe that can be a blog post!

  9. HI, it's anonymous again.
    I've read your amended post and I think I know what you mean but can I offer a different perspective (not saying i'm right or trying to make excuses for the bloggers your referring to because i have no idea who they are)...

    When you're here and battered by infertility (as I have been for the past 7 years) you become a different person. Your coping mechanisms are few and far between. We put up barriers and say things we shouldnt. This world is hard. We may say we hate pregnant woman or families on mothers day but really, deep down, that's just a cry for help because it hurts so much to be on the outside looking in.

    It may not be right what the bloggers in question wrote, but I could almost promise you it wouldnt suprise me. They were probably being honest where as most of us just keep it in our heads.

    And not to diminish your path, because I know you struggled to get to where you are today, but there are people out there who have struggled more, or coped less and so sometimes it's just hard to cope well with the hand you've been dealt and sometimes peopel direct anger in places they shouldnt. Wrong? Yeah, probably, but I can still understand why it happens.

    Things get lost in translation and a lot of the time when we are feeling so sad we dont even know how to express ourselves properly. We don't want to be more vulnerable than we already feel so we pull up a barrier and become hard as nails, becuase otherwise we'd fall to pieces.

    Thats how i'd explain it.

    Of course there are bloody nasty people out there too, and without knowing what blogger posts you're referring to i'm kinda commenting blind.