Wednesday, March 21, 2012

DO I EVEN WANT TO GO THERE?

Lately we have been thinking a bit about TTC#2. Blah. Ok, we were thinking about this before C even made his grand entrance into the world. I guess when you have been through years of infertility, even going through the pregnancy and having a baby doesn't stop you from thinking about it. A bit like the green eyed monster. Who knew that you could still feel jealous when you hear a pregnancy announcement after you have had your own. You would think that finally having your own would make you immune! But I think it is something that is so deeply ingrained in you that you can't help how you automatically respond to those announcements. Sure, it's not the lightening in the heart and tears type jealousy that it once was, but it's a bit of envy all the same!

So anyway, TTC#2. I'm not even sure whether I want to go there. Do I want to delve back into the world of TTC and the ache it carries with it? I'm of the opinion that once you start down that road it's hard to go back. It's like a craving that grows inside of you until it's all you can think about. I know having C will certainly make the journey a more bearable one and much easier to deal with than the journey to get him, but I can't help but think that emotionally the safer route would be simply to accept and enjoy a life with one child. We don't have the option of another IVF cycle. We have one frostie but that is our last resort. The 3 IVF cycles it took to conceive C were publicly funded so in the end it didn't cost us anything ... except for the hundreds of dollars (scrap that, thousands!) that I invested in vitamin companies and acupuncturists and on little balls of chinese herbs that I took in the handfuls for well over a year. But another cycle would cost us up to (if not over) $13,000. Can I juggle that risk when there are no guaruntees and we already have one child to support? No. We have already decided that it will have to be a natural conception or our one frostie or not at all.

But what makes me think that we can even HAVE a natural pregnancy after 3 long years of trying everything under the sun the first time around? So many people have said to me that 'Your body knows what to do now you've had one baby'. They have said that so many times that I start to believe it. Last month we didn't use any protection one time during ovulation and dare I say it, I was freaking out just a tad. Like I could have one little accident and get pregnant just because I had a baby. Who am I kidding!

So, back to the original question - do I even want to go there?


24 comments:

  1. First off...pretty dots! Love the new look!

    Second...totally hear you. I've been wondering the same thing. True, I don't have the same situation as you regarding going back for more IVF; it's still expensive, but no where near as expensive as it is in NZ. But I freak out a bit when I think about going through all that again. We were first time lucky and I am under no illusion that would happen again. We have 3 frosties, and I'd be happy to use those, but what if none of those take?

    And blah to "your body knows what to do now". I call bullshit on that. Yep, some people get lucky and have a surprise the second time around. More often than not, however, that doesn't happen. We have not used protection at all since V was born. I've had about 8 cycles since then, but I'm sure I actually ov'd a few times randomly before properly getting my cycles back. Of course, no miracle has happened, even though there have been plenty of chances for a miracle.

    And you're not alone on the jealousy thing! It doesn't go away when you get your baby. It's reduced, and different, but definitely still there. I'm jealous that I don't have the luxury of just deciding, "it's time for number 2!", or planning what time of the year you'd like them to be born (if only). I'm jealous that cousins of mine will likely be on their 3rd or 4th kids by the time we (maybe) have another, even though I was the first to have a baby. I'm jealous that we can't be all casual about it and just see what happens, because that will result in no baby.

    Anyway, just wanted to say that I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND. Sometimes I think I don't want another anyway. V's totally awesome and I wonder if I'd be messing up a good thing by adding another kid to the mix...

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    1. I know what you mean about not having the luxury of deciding what age gaps you want between kids. I have an absolutely wonderful Kiwi baby group that I love to death but admit I find the current discussions about TTC quite hard emotionally as I know that the group will in time evolve and in no time we will have lots of new BFP announcements and pregnancies and if I decide to start TTC again too and get caught up in all that again, it could be hard seeing everyone move on while I stay deeply entrenched in the trenches of infertility once again. But this time without a back up plan. Hence deciding whether I really want to go there, not to mention when do we want to start TTC again if we do (which I will blog about another time). V is gorgeous by the way! xox

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  2. It's looking like I will have an only. My husband has always wanted only one child, and I've wanted two, but after Mira was born, I started to think she was enough. There are lots of reasons to just stop at one for us that might not apply to you, but maybe you could try thinking of C as an only for a little while and see where that takes you.

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    1. Thanks for your post! I will do a post about this at some point and hopefully you can pop back and share your reasons for deciding to have Mira as an only and help me with my decision making. I'm looking forward to following your journey on your blog!

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  3. I am totally already planning #2 and havent even had the baby!

    And I am with Ali I call total bullshit on your body knows what to do. Whatever! Do you know what my body does? It kills babies. Falling pregnant after a truckload of drugs will not change that. The urban legends are rare. Drives me nuts.

    It must be an incredibly hard decision when you know you a good life but deep down you desire more.

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    1. It's funny though that I have begun to believe it myself. Why? I have no idea! Wishful thinking maybe? Because I never REALLY got any really good answers to suggest there is no way I could conceive on my own? Because I believe my body was completely hormone imbalanced before Cohen and now my periods have come back longer and the pain has gone? Who knows! I'm a sop for miracle stories but I'm sure that will disappear as the months tick by if we do decide to TTC again.

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  4. We are pregnant after our third IVF cycle and 8 hard years of ttc and people are already asking me when we'll try for number 2. The difference in my life for not being on the ttc rollercoaster is unimaginable, I feel like I've climbed out of the hole and can see the light and all of the opportunities ahead of me. The thought of jumping back into that hole is frightening!
    I'm not there yet but I dont envy your decision. I think having a frostie makes it harder (we have 4), your baby is sitting there just waiting to come home but as you say starting means starting and getting drawn into everything that ttc means. The thought of regressing back into my jealous, bitter self is scary.
    Good luck with your decision xxx

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    1. I am forever being asked when we are going to start trying for #2! Your analogy of jumping back in that hole is spot on. Congratulations on your pregnancy! When are you due?

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  5. I posted last night an lost it. At least you can think of #2 with the knowledge of your conception issues. Do you want another? See if you and your husband are on the same page. But, let me give you a bit of insight into child guilt. When Cohen is about 3, he will ask you on a weekly basis why little Johnny's mum can get babies in her belly and you can't. He will go to a park and whinge he has no one to play with and you will fin yourself flying down a slippery dip and tipping see saws. It's damn horrible I tell you. Just food for thought.

    And can you please tell me the address of any person who had told you that your body 'knows' what to do. It's Bullshit, otherwise I would have a lot of damn kids and we would not have met. I throw a mean uppercut to ignorant comments such as that.

    Sorry but I will be honest and say its hard to see friends who I started with ttc now looking at #2. But reality is you need to. I too freaked the first cycle after we had Bodhi and were able to dtd. It is scarey to think of 2 babies.

    Just remember that it's been a long time since you fell pregnant. 2010? So it will not get easier.

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    1. I definitely want another. I am as clucky as hell! We are both on the same page and we definitely want to give Cohen a brother or sister but I am scared shitless about the actuality of attempting to do that.

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  6. As you know I've been battling this issue for a while now and even wrote a few posts on being a one child family. My decision resulted in a few factors - financial, emotional, health and age. At this time in my life, I'm not ready for more children and I will be 40 next year. I won't waste my money on ivf again since C was a natural conception, I can't go down that road of IF again - it makes me shiver when I think of it. By the time I sort out my health issues I will be an old tart.

    In my situation, the decision was already made for me.

    I think you should seriously consider having more children. You have all the advantages of being young, having your health, incomes, family to help out and a frostie waiting for you.

    When I read the first paragraph Tee wrote, it made me so sad, for her and especially for me. This will be my situation soon and I don't know how I'm going to deal with it. Maybe I will try when I'm 40, maybe another miracle awaits me.

    Don't regret your decision down the track if you chose to only have the one child.

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  7. I could have written this post! Now that we have our LO, its hard to imagine going through IVF again - physically, emotionally, and financially - with a baby that we need to take of. But, knowing it might take us a long time (if ever) to conceive, I don't have the luxury of time. Glad to hear you're doing well.

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    1. Hey hun! Lovely to see you still floating about! How is your daughter (C's twin!). When are you thinking of starting TTC again? Will you go straight to IVF this time?

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    2. I still lurk on all these blogs, I just can't seem to figure out what I want to write about - but this was a topic I had in mind!
      Ideally we will start when I go back to work when LO is one year old. I think we'll try naturally for a while (length of time tbd), and if intervention is necessary, we'll go straight to IVF. No more messing around with IUIs. We don't have any frozen embryos unfortunately, so it will be a full cycle if we do it.

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    3. I also wanted to add that even though I would love my daughter to have a sibling, I feel at peace about having an only child. We know how blessed we are to have her and we need to remind ourselves about that when we start TTC.

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  8. So get where you are coming from! We are only just pregnant with #1 (10wks 5days) after 4 years ttc and 4 cycles of IVF. This little miracle was our last embryo (and only frostie) and there is absolutely no money left in the kitty to try again so we know we will only have one child. I sometimes feel guilty about only having one, but after all the heartbreak I feel incredibly blessed to have the chance to be a parent at all. Even if we had the money for another cycle, it would be too hard to go through it all over again when there are no guarantees we would conceive. I am actually kind of glad in a way that the decision is out of our hands as it seems to me like it is a very hard one to make....good luck xox

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    1. Huge congratulations on your pregnancy! I understand exactly what you are saying. I wish you all the best for a happy and healthy pregnancy, please keep popping back and letting me know how you are getting on! What is your name?

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  9. Hi All,

    My daughter is 4 weeks old and my husband wants a son. He loves his daughter with a passion but isn't it every guys dream to have a son to do the 'guy stuff' with?

    My pregnancy was not easy with my daughter. The first 8 weeks I was an sick as a dog, then got a nasty bacterial infection that lasted for 4 weeks, and got really swollen feet and hands.

    We are lucky to have 5 frosties but I am dead sure that my daughter will be our only child. i don't want to do it again. Famous last words ask me in 2 years time when I'm pregnant again.

    What ever decision you make you have to ensure that is what you want to do. You are the one that has to carry the baby, go through labour, birth and after.

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    1. Pregnancy isn't a problem, apart from awful morning sickness I had a great pregnancy (carried small so didn't have as many aches and pains as some). It's the getting pregnant that is the problem. A bacterial infection does sound nasty!

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  10. Plenty of food for thought here Haidee! I know what you mean about having that glimmer of hope that you will convieve easily second time around becuase your "body knows what to do now." You do hear it a lot and I guess it can lead to false expectations! It will be very hard getting back onto the TTC wagon again - not an easy thing to do. I guess you just have to try and come to an agreement with yourself, that you will be happy to move on if and when the time comes when all your avenues have been exhaused. If you never try, you will regret it in years to come. At least if you give it a go, you can be proud of yourself for giving it your best shot. x

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  11. Figured out how to put my name in! (I'm the 10wks 5days girl =) ) I totally know what you mean about the glimmer of hope of conceiving again easily too. Before we discovered all our fertility woes, we had a natural BFP back in 2009 which ended in a missed miscarriage at 11.5wks and at the time several people told me that because my body had been pregnant it would know what to do and we would get pregnant again straight away. It was quite a wake up call to be told by a specialist 6 months after the miscarriage (and many bucketfuls of tears later) that we had a less than 1% chance of another natural conception and it would most probably end the same way if it did happen. It did not stop me getting hopeful every month for the next 2.5 years that he was wrong tho! People (well meaning as they were) continued to tell us we would be pregnant again soon and all I wanted to do was slap them! Fortunately, all our friends and family now know how things are for us and they are very supportive and there will be no one asking when we are going to have another one, thank goodness!!!

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  12. Oh Haideee...in between your blog post is soo relevant...I have had limited time in blogging but have been reading..and I wanted to comment ...

    I totally relate to your post...it was not until we visited our FS last week with our baby #1 to show what his success produced...that I had to have that quick conversation with my FS for when do I come back to see you?? Our infertility journey never leaves us...I was even on the operating table just giving birth to our baby girl and I had my OB removing endometrioma from my ovary and evaluating the fibroid in my uterus and the finding of polyps...the hurdles and barriers dont stop...

    so again here are my reproductive organs showing signs of obstacles...of course during my caesar and before I told my OB I do want another child so please save my uterus...but yes its that being on the end of journey #1 of conceiving #1 from infertility..do we really want to go there again? that is a good god dam question!!

    I also have glimmer of hope with one tube in tact and one ok ovary ..and low egg reserve but I dont know whether I would to travel down that emotional roller coaster once again..

    I have been reflecting on this time last year I was not pregnant ...was unsure if IVF would work for us and was in the middle of temporary menopause...what a big long black dark tunnel I was in searching for the light...its hard to evaluate whether I could endure that emotional rollercoaster again...but as my FS said enjoy your first child first but there is a point in time when you need to consider whether to start the journey again..

    For me due to endometriosis the ironic thing is I need to go on the pill after I finish breast feeding to stop endometriosis coming back..so I take the risk of ttc naturally #2 of endometriosis coming back and I have pressure from my FS that due to low egg reserve I should not wait too long for #2 if I want to and also that falling pregnant on IVF cycle #1 with my one egg was 10% chance of it working..so with all odds against me do I really want to prove them wrong?

    I guess only you know what your emotional state is ...I think I would love to try naturallly first but once you get the taste for #2 and start that journey will it be so easy to turn back and stop or will it end up with IVF again for #2

    I like Rees comment if you never try you will never know

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