I've been feeling a wee bit paranoid about everything the last few days. Not sure what changed - maybe it's the thought of my upcoming 20 week scan, or maybe it's just the fact my bump appears to have stalled and the ligament pains have stopped and I pretty much feel completely normal for the first time this entire pregnancy (apart from a bit of indigestion due to my craving of oranges! Too much citrus causes heartburn apparently and it's not nice!).
I still haven't brought anything significant for baby. My official excuse is that the spare bedroom is still looking like a storage room that got hit by a truck (apparently the HG is removing his gear this weekend - fingers crossed!) but I think the reality is that even on the verge of 18 weeks I am still too scared to buy anything 'just in case' and I keep pushing it back. Originally it was 'We'll just make sure everything is fine at the 12 week scan first', then it was 'Let's just wait for the results of the NT scan' and then came the 'As soon as we hear the heartbeat at the midwife appointment' and now of course, it's the old 'Let's just wait until we've had our 20 week scan'. At this rate the baby will be sleeping in the bassinet naked. Ok, so slight exageration as we do have a few clothes that I purchased in the beginning pregnancy glow, plus nappies and wipes but that's all. I don't know if all mum's to be are like this or those of us lucky enough to be pregnant after infertility are a breed of our own, but for some reason I find it harder to just let go and enjoy it. Don't get me wrong, I am loving my pregnancy but it's not in the rose-tinted glasses 'everything is going to be perfect!' way I once imagined, where the thought of something going wrong after the 12 week scan would never even cross my mind. I worry too much. Even now, I am writing this feeling some little fluttery kicks (I tend to get those when I'm hungry, I think it must be a hint to eat something) but I still can't help but worry. I think it's also the fact that when you are immersed in the IF community and forums, you see devastating events happen more frequently than a woman who isn't immersed in this world, so it's always there at the back of your mind. And it's bloody scary.
Hopefully bubs kicks will just keep getting stronger and stronger and more frequent (still only feeling them a couple of times a day at this point and only very lightly) and I'll have an active baby to keep mummy's mind at ease. If it's anything like it's daddy who was probably on the verge of being tested for ADHD when he was a child due to his inability to sit still for longer than 2 minutes (and he's STILL like this - drives me nuts at times!) then I should have a little acrobat on my hands in no time at all and maybe, just maybe, I might be able to relax a wee bit. After all, I still have 22 weeks to go!