Friday, January 28, 2011


I've been feeling a wee bit paranoid about everything the last few days. Not sure what changed - maybe it's the thought of my upcoming 20 week scan, or maybe it's just the fact my bump appears to have stalled and the ligament pains have stopped and I pretty much feel completely normal for the first time this entire pregnancy (apart from a bit of indigestion due to my craving of oranges! Too much citrus causes heartburn apparently and it's not nice!).

I still haven't brought anything significant for baby. My official excuse is that the spare bedroom is still looking like a storage room that got hit by a truck (apparently the HG is removing his gear this weekend - fingers crossed!) but I think the reality is that even on the verge of 18 weeks I am still too scared to buy anything 'just in case' and I keep pushing it back. Originally it was 'We'll just make sure everything is fine at the 12 week scan first', then it was 'Let's just wait for the results of the NT scan' and then came the 'As soon as we hear the heartbeat at the midwife appointment' and now of course, it's the old 'Let's just wait until we've had our 20 week scan'. At this rate the baby will be sleeping in the bassinet naked. Ok, so slight exageration as we do have a few clothes that I purchased in the beginning pregnancy glow, plus nappies and wipes but that's all. I don't know if all mum's to be are like this or those of us lucky enough to be pregnant after infertility are a breed of our own, but for some reason I find it harder to just let go and enjoy it. Don't get me wrong, I am loving my pregnancy but it's not in the rose-tinted glasses 'everything is going to be perfect!' way I once imagined, where the thought of something going wrong after the 12 week scan would never even cross my mind. I worry too much. Even now, I am writing this feeling some little fluttery kicks (I tend to get those when I'm hungry, I think it must be a hint to eat something) but I still can't help but worry. I think it's also the fact that when you are immersed in the IF community and forums, you see devastating events happen more frequently than a woman who isn't immersed in this world, so it's always there at the back of your mind. And it's bloody scary. 

Hopefully bubs kicks will just keep getting stronger and stronger and more frequent (still only feeling them a couple of times a day at this point and only very lightly) and I'll have an active baby to keep mummy's mind at ease. If it's anything like it's daddy who was probably on the verge of being tested for ADHD when he was a child due to his inability to sit still for longer than 2 minutes (and he's STILL like this - drives me nuts at times!) then I should have a little acrobat on my hands in no time at all and maybe, just maybe, I might be able to relax a wee bit. After all, I still have 22 weeks to go!


  1. I can totally relate to what you're feeling :) I'm now 23 weeks and have been waiting for those milestones (12 week, 20 week) and now it's 24 weeks as this is when baby is supposed to be viable if born but I know that it won't really ease my mind. I was sorting out leave for work the other day and still had in the back of my mind 'what if I have to come back if baby doesn't make it?'. I thought I'd worry less but I was talking to someone who has had no problems with infertility and she says as a parent you are constantly worrying! Even when they are born there is something else to worry about!! So maybe you are either one of those types of people or not?? We just have to keep thinking positive that we will both have our babies in a matter of months :)

  2. I was about to yell and scream at you to calm down... But then I realized that through IF you have been exposed to alot of sad stories and losses. But they are not your stories. This is a new chapter, every step of this pref your bub has been normal everything! And having a normal healthy preg is actually nomal, the sad stories are the minority. But you have been exposed to more of the sadness than the stock standard textbook pregnancies.

    I first had a mc in June, then preg in Nov and not once did I even come close to worrying. I don't know why, but it never entered my head that something could go wrong. And I did have a very textbook preg and labour. And I know that you will too. Your IF was a huge struggle and huge achievement, but sorry to tell you, you are now in the normal category.. Bet it feels good!!!

    Belly rubs to your son, yes it's def a boy in my vote! And I am glad I get to share the preg journey with you!!

  3. What you are feeling Haidee is totally normal after everything you've been through to get to this point, you always worry that something will happen to take it all away from you.

    I feel the same with the twins. At first it was cause of the risk of miscarriage then after 12 weeks it was the worry of our not so good NT results and then the ever present risk of premature labour. I thought by 24 weeks I would start to relax a bit more but with the odds more in our favour now, but now the worry is will I be ready for them when they do come! The only thing I have bought (well, laybyed!) is the pram!

    We will get there babe and if you ever need to chat, you know where I am :)

  4. Aw huny, it does get easier! There is always going to be that teeny worry...even when bub is here! I think they call that, "being a parent", haha! But yep, I know how you feel; it's hard not to worry, especially when your pregnancy has been so hard won and you know others who have experienced pregnancy loss at later stages. All you can really do is take it one step at a time, and you will find you'll relax a bit more as your pregnancy progresses.

    Get on with clearing that room HG! :D

    Ali xo

  5. Oh darling, I haven't met a girl PG after IF who hasn't expressed what you just have. I'm still struggling to write my PG Journey on my blog because of how scary the time was for me. It wasn't till I was 36 weeks that I finally bought a little outfit for Callum. I refused to receive any gifts from anyone until after the birth and I also refused anyone to host me a baby shower. It is quite normal for what you are feeling right now and only YOU will know when the right time is to feel "comfortable". The flutters are awesome and keeps your heart at ease. Callum was an acrobat in the womb and won't sit still now!

  6. almost half-way there!! And I think being a worry wort is only natural (especially for someone who struggled to get here); it's the mother in you coming out! :-)

  7. I was exactly the same, not sure if it is the IF thing or if it is just natural. Once the baby starts moving you will feel better, of course, then there will be a day when you hardly feel them move at all and the worrying starts again...until the next kick that is.

    I had a bit of heartburn too, and the thing I found to be the best was peppermint tea, as soon as I got some of that into me, the heartburn would ease off.

    I can't believe you're almost 20 weeks, seems like yesterday I read the post that you got your BFP!!

  8. oh sweet Haidee... let me let you in on a little secret... that 'they' dont want you to know... you already have EVERYTHING your baby NEEDS... you have love in abundance, you have milk in your breast (yep its starting already)and arms a waiting. Babies dont need fancy prams, or cots, or bouncers.. they need love, warmth, food and protection. You and the HG have these things... if you do nothing else to prepare for this baby, you have all it needs.. you can feed it, carry it and share your bed... besides its completely normal to feel like you have to reach certain milstones... normal normal normal...

    PS: 'they' are the marketing people who want you to buy into the comercialism of babies... says the woman with 6 baby carrier, 4 prams, 3 nappy bags and at one point 2 cots... oh and 2 portable cots... and toys galore... lol...

  9. I'm actually getting ready to post about this same thing. I'm certainly not as far as you or out of the first trimester yet, but that 12-13 week mark is looming ahead. I'm just so ready to be there, but even then I don't think I'll calm down.

  10. oh girl. i know how you feel. we walk in two worlds is how i describe it- the one where we are thankful and trying our best to be normal pregnant people, and the one where we are not naive and we know things can get really tricky too.

    we've resolved to start getting things... and if things don't go so well we will just deal with it as it comes... but also just embracing every day that this pregnancy continues.

  11. I am 17 weeks today and you expressed perfectly exactly how I feel, right down to my hubby needing to clean out his junk room to make room for baby! I am still so worried every day that this baby is too good to be true. We just have to trust that everything is going to be perfect and embrace each and every little movement because they will be here before we know it :)

  12. I have never experienced any IF problems, and didn't buy anything for my 1st bub (who is now 3 1/2) until I was at least 25 weeks pregnant. I still worry about bad stuff happening to my kids. I think it's part and parcel of being a parent.

  13. Don't blame you for worrying. IT's part of the IF nature I think.
    You are almost 1/2 way through! YAY! =)
    Also dropping by to let you know that I have awarded you a Blog Award. Take a peek at my blog post called: - I LOVE THESE BLOGS AWARD - when you get a chance! =)
    The C's