Friday, May 18, 2012

IDENTITY CRISIS (AND THANKS!)

First of all, I have to say a huge thank you for all the congratulations. I really appreciate them and I know how hard hearing about 2nd pregnancies can be (especially when you are still in the trenches for #1 or battling secondary infertility yourselves) so thank you for embracing it and offering up your congratulations to me. 

I feel like I have been battling through a bit of an identity crisis the past few weeks and not been able to talk about it because I hadn't announced I was pregnant. I had told a few family and close friends but not stepped outside of the security of that group of people because I feel like I jumped the queue. Like I stole someone else's BFP. That I don't 'deserve' to be pregnant because I didn't have to fight for it. I know this makes utterly no sense and is ridiculous thinking but after being part of the IF world for so long, it is hard to change the conditioning of your thoughts. I identified with being infertile for3 long years of my life and when pregnant with C I was still infertile but a pregnant infertile who battled through the woods to get to where I was. Now I feel like a rip off because we got pregnant without even trying. By having unprotected sex once. By somehow defying all the odds and becoming one of 'those' woman who got pregnant without even trying. 

And I feel bad about it and I feel like I have lost a big part of the person I was. I feel like a big part of my identity has been stolen. 

I am happy to be pregnant but feel like I should have had to work harder to get here.


How ridiculous do I sound? 

10 comments:

  1. I could've written this exact post a couple of months ago---in fact, I still feel off/guilty/some adjective that escapes me about this pregnancy. It gets better--and easier--just try to find little things to be genuinely excited about (without feeling guilty about how you got there!)

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  2. hey haidee

    congratulations on your most exciting news. i have been in the same situation as you. had joshua with ivf and then concieved naturally first go. as you now know we have james. i think the main thing to remember is that you are always going to remember how it feels to be 'infertile.' if i let myself open the box inside my head i can quite easily take myself back to years off ttc, ivf, miscarriage, more ivf and more drugs. i've decided now to move forward. i don't think about the past experiences any longer, i have had enough emotion to last a lifetime. it is important now to focus on cohen and your new baby. it will take time and you will always remember how it felt and always feel for those who are still ttc. it still brings me to tears when friends are having trouble concieving. try to move forward now, i'm glad i'm an 'infertile', i know it has changed me as a person, and how i parent my sons. some lessons are given to us experience and i am glad now as silly as it sounds. everything does happen for a reason. well done to your pregnancy with cohen for sorting out your pcos. x

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  3. Thank you for your comments. I already feel uncomfortable posting about this pregnancy in some groups I once felt very at home at. Maybe it is time to move on ... ? I'm torn.

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  4. Know how you feel... but in reverse. I feel bad sometimes for how easy we got pregnant with our daughter, and talking about her on my blog... now having IF, but also having a child. However, ultimately, we're all in this together and my experience is that everyone is so understanding. You should not have to work harder to get pregnant... stories like yours are an inspiration to others that there can be an easier time the second time round :)) xoxo

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  5. Haidee I felt like this when I got my BFP! I knew I desirved it but felt like I had lied over reacted bout being infertile over the years. I only did it once in that window of opportunity that month and didn't even really try! Just think of it this way if you had gotten PG when you first started trying you would probely be having number 2 now! I'm planning a small gap because you never know whatight happen!

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  6. Awww Congrats! And don't feel bad. It is a fact that for some women pregnancy stabilizes and normalizes hormones while pregnant and that sometimes leads to a lingering suspension of IF for a period of time. You just happened to be one of the blessed where that is true and as a fellow IFer who adopted my children, I am absolutely THRILLED for you to not have had to fight for this pregnancy. Please give yourself permission to enjoy it - it is clear you already appreciate it. I happen to love to hear about the (excuse my language) "Screw you IF" pregnancies. :-)

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  7. Love the new ticker! And don't feel bad - everyone has their own journey and their own experiences. There is no queue so you haven't jumped it and you being pregnant has no influence on anyone else becoming pregnant or not (unless you have inspired me to spend more time 'in bed' with my husband so I can have another miracle too!) Relax and enjoy!

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  8. Definitely not something to feel bad about hun.. Anyone who knows you knows that you are an exceptional lady and deserve to fall pregnant with your 2nd bub without even trying after everything you went to get Cohen... Sending you much love and lots of luck for your ultrasound..

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  9. You will always be a part of the infertile world, or at least have a part of that world in you. You were such an inspiration when you were on the boards going through all your IVF dramas. And to know that you have been blessed with a second child is perfectly deserved! I am absolutely stoked and over the moon for you. Enjoy your pregnancy and your second bubs and don't feel like you stole anyone's BFP!

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  10. Hi there, I was given your blog by one of my followers. i recently found out I am pregnant with #2 (my first is 7 months) I am looking forward to following your blog. Congrats!
    http://ourstorkgotlost.blogspot.com

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