TAKING THE GAMBLE

Wow, thank you so much for all your insightful comments to my last blog entry! I didn't realise it was one of those topics that affected so many of us. I can't help but feel that it's really unfair that we have to even MAKE this decision. Why can't we just decide in two years time to have another child and BOOM, pregnant. If only it were that simple.

I spoke to the HG about it last night and we contemplated what our specialist had told us. And it turns out we both have the same feelings on the topic. Yes, we would love to have a second child BUT we would be happy with one. And therefore we will wait until he is at least a year old before we jump back on the TTC bandwagon and prevent until then. It seems crazy to me to contemplate birth control again after all this time but . . . another pregnancy straight after the first one just wouldn't be what is right for our family. Is that selfish? I want to be able to treasure this first year with my son before throwing another pregnancy/baby into the mix and if we already feel blessed (which believe me, we do!) with just having one, then I think this is the road for us.

So, we will take the gamble and see where it leads us . . .

GETTING AHEAD OF MYSELF

We went to the in-laws for an Easter Sunday roast pork lunch on the weekend and while I was chatting in the kitchen with my mother-in-law (while the boys were watching sports on TV - surprise, surprise!) the conversation turned to whether we were planning to prevent another pregnancy after this baby is born or whether we will just wait and see what happens.

My FS told the HG and I that if we wanted to have a second child then we should forget our preconceived ideas of what we would LIKE the gap between children to be and start trying immediately after the baby is born as the first 3-6 months would be the window of opportunity while we are super fertile and if we decide to wait then we may end up with just the one child. We do have one embryo in the freezer but whether that will even defrost we have no idea. I know I'm getting ahead of myself even thinking about this but it's been a topic of conversation on the forums I frequent lately and many people have been asking me, so it's got me thinking. Before I knew IF would be an issue I always wanted at LEAST 2 - 3 year gaps between children. I couldn't fathom the idea of two under 2! But what happens if we don't take his advice and then we can't have another child? Will we look back with regret? Another IVF cycle is not an option so it's either the successful FET or a natural (immaculate?) conception.

What would you do?

IT'S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN . . .

Yesterday I hit the 30 week mark! I am down to the last quarter and the final countdown until my little miracle is in my arms. My ticker is now counting down in single digit weeks instead of double! Woohoo! I'm both excited AND terrified. The littlest things are currently causing anxiety and I think it's my perfectionist tendencies that are haunting me as I feel like everything has to be just perfect before he arrives and of course, there is only so much you can do to prepare and the rest you just have to take as it comes. I find myself lying awake at night worrying that I have too many 0000 (newborn) clothes, that the rail in the nursery that seperates the blue paint from the white was placed too high and the pictures will look funny when hung on the wall, that we don't have the mattress yet, that I haven't packed my hospital bag, that we have a credit card to pay off, that I have NO IDEA what to do with a baby . . . I think I just need to take a deep breath and put those things to the back of my mind!

In brighter news, the baby is back to his usual squirmy self after a few quiet days last week and I have another midwife appointment tonight so looking forward to hearing his little heartbeat again and checking he's still head down. I told the HG the other night that apparently if you rest you head on the pregnant belly at this stage you can sometimes hear the heartbeat. The HG was very enthusiastic about this prospect and did as instructed only to promptly get a big boot in the head which gave him a hell of a fright! He didn't hear a heartbeat though. Hehe.

To finish up I just want to give a shout out to my dear friend Ants at Making Baby Giraffes who is getting her BT results from her first FET after her first IVF cycle today. Please keep your fingers crossed for her!

ATTACK OF THE ANXIETY MONSTER

Since it's Easter I thought I would try and save myself some money and go in search of a few bit and bobs that I still needed to buy in the 'Essentials for baby' column by going while I knew there would be sales on. So off I went to one of the big department stores in search of some merino wool bodysuits so that my son will be cosy and warm during what is usually a very cold Wellington winter. First I had to find out WHAT a bodysuit actually was and once that was established I was off. I found my way to the baby section and there were literally about 6 different types and brands of merino wool to choose from - 100% merino (super expensive), merino/nylon mixes, merino/polyester, merino/cotton . . . the list went on and the prices fluctuated too. I went back and forth between the many racks of these items until I started to get really anxious about it. I had no idea which was the best one to get. I was going around in circles. I started to get really flustered and my heart started beating faster, I got  palpitations and felt myself just getting really stressed and anxious. I can't believe I actually had an anxiety attack in amongst racks of baby clothes over newborn bodysuits! How insane is that! In the end I left with nothing and went to a baby shop next door which had ONE rack of merino clothing and that was all. It may have cost me more but at least I know I got the right thing!

I then went home and had some chicken soup to balance out the marshmallow eggs I've been munching on. Tomorrow we are having a big roast pork at the in-laws to which I am contributing a yummy (if I do say so myself!) chocolate brownie that I got clever with by throwing half a bag of white chocolate buttons through. I think I'd better keep eating that chicken soup! Hehe.

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!

DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY . . .

I'm trying to live by this motto at the moment and was proving to be doing a very good job but . . . there always has to be a but! Since I hit the 25 week mark I've been feeling very relaxed and really enjoying my pregnancy but now at 29 weeks baby has decided to change position and I can't feel him as much as I used to, which is causing the dreaded worry to start biting me in the butt again. He had been super active the last few weeks and I was getting so used to the kicks and jabs and being able to rest my hand on my belly and feel him squirming around underneath. Then on Sunday night I had a few painful braxton hicks and sharp pains radiating down around my pubic bone and suddenly the only movements I have felt have been teeny tiny little movements down really, really low. And the movements are very faint. But boy has my bladder been irritated since then! Sometimes I literally feel like I am leaking when I get a couple of prods on the bladder and think maybe I should have been doing more regular pelvic exercises! Oops, maybe this was the reason they tell you to do these things! I've also been getting some mild cramping and continuous backache which came out of nowhere. Perhaps he has engaged himself already. Hope he isn't preparing an early entrance as I have so much left to do! Eek!

Please tell me it's normal for a babies movements to settle down a bit at this stage so I can stop worrying!

29 WEEKS

HOW AM I FEELING: I'm still not feeling too bad but I am starting to experience a few of the third trimester discomforts. I'm still working full time so finding my back is getting quite sore by the end of the day and also have a tendency to wake up about 3am and then having trouble getting into a comfortable position to go back to sleep. Last night I was sitting on the couch and had some tightening pains again which I am guessing are braxton hicks. I don't know what happened to them being painless!

WEIGHT GAIN: I now weigh 68.2kg which is approx 8kg weight gain all up and 1kg in the last fortnight.

CRAVINGS/AVERSIONS: All things sweet! My taste buds have really started to change and I just crave sweet foods which isn't good for the waistline and is the total opposite to me as I am normally a savoury person. Croissants with raspberry jam, apricot pies, chocolate brownies . . . mmmm! Yum!

MOVEMENT: He seems to have dropped right down and I half expect an arm to make it's way out the way he's going! It's starting to feel like he's trying to escape and while I love feeling him move it is getting mighty uncomfortable as I constantly feel like I need to go to the toilet and at times feel like I'm going to leak with the pressure he is putting on my bladder! The movements are incredibly low down now, it's quite a weird sensation. 

OTHER UPDATES: The nursery is nearly painted! It's all been plastered up and the first coat of paint is on the walls and ceiling. The room will be painted in time to be moving the furniture in over Easter so the HG is going to have fun putting everything together. I think I will leave the house and hide while this is going on, patience is not one of his virtues! Poor guy has to put together the cot, bassinet, change table and toy box as all those items came flat packed in boxes. I then get to start the fun part - decorating!

UPCOMING MILESTONES: I should get my results for my glucose test and a myriad of other tests they did so fingers crossed those all come back normal, We are also up to fortnightly midwife visits which is exciting, time is closing in on us and this little man will be here in no time! Can't believe it's nearly May already!

JUDGEMENT

One of the things I have recently noticed is that people feel they have a right to judge my decisions since I got pregnant. I plan to return to work about 4-5 months after this baby is born. It is not a decision based on choice so much as pure necessity. The NZ economy sucks and mortgage rates are high, rates are high, petrol is excessive, food is bloody expensive, insurance sucks and it's just going to get worse. Combine all those together and we can't afford for me not to work. I would love to be a stay at home mum but this simply isn't feasible. However, people seem to think that because I battled infertility for so long and used IVF to conceive that I have less rights than woman who fell 'naturally' to make a decision to return to work and I feel constantly judged for this decision. It's not like I am going to leave the baby at home alone! This little boy is going to be well cared for and in loving care with his grandmother (the HG's mum) and we will be financially secure for it. Just because I plan to be a working mum, does not make me less of a mother than someone who is lucky enough to be able to afford to stay at home. Has anyone else found this?