One of the things I have recently noticed is that people feel they have a right to judge my decisions since I got pregnant. I plan to return to work about 4-5 months after this baby is born. It is not a decision based on choice so much as pure necessity. The NZ economy sucks and mortgage rates are high, rates are high, petrol is excessive, food is bloody expensive, insurance sucks and it's just going to get worse. Combine all those together and we can't afford for me not to work. I would love to be a stay at home mum but this simply isn't feasible. However, people seem to think that because I battled infertility for so long and used IVF to conceive that I have less rights than woman who fell 'naturally' to make a decision to return to work and I feel constantly judged for this decision. It's not like I am going to leave the baby at home alone! This little boy is going to be well cared for and in loving care with his grandmother (the HG's mum) and we will be financially secure for it. Just because I plan to be a working mum, does not make me less of a mother than someone who is lucky enough to be able to afford to stay at home. Has anyone else found this?
One thing I have noticed being a parent, you will get judged on EVERYTHING!! breast feeding, formula feeding, cloths nappies disposables, food, the list goes on, anything and everything. There is always someone out there that will disagree with whatever you decide to do. I have learnt to go with works for my family and what I think is right and ignore the comments others make, after all, they are not in my position.
ReplyDeleteFortunately (I consider myself extremely lucky) I am able to stay at home with my babies (living is bloody expensive in this country, you are so right there, and I know Wellington is SUPER expensive to live in), and I received judgement from some people for staying home beleive it or not! I would get asked when I was going back to work, would reply with "not until kids are at school - will be part time" etc and the looks I got! I was made to feel so lazy!! People looked at me confused as to why I didn't want to go back!
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately judgement/'I-know-better' comments from people don't stop when you have the baby...you'll find that someone ALWAYS has something to say about EVERYTHING you do. It's sad....and very annoying!
You're damned if you do, damned if you ain't!
I just had a convo with someone about how judgey moms are of other moms etc.. I am doing my best to not join in on this judgey judgey bandwagon! But honestly, things like nursing, circumcising, natural birth, being a working mom, etc..etc.. all have lots of strong viewpoints and everything thinks they are right and they think they need to voice their opinions. To each their own. Only you know what is best for your baby and your family!!!
ReplyDeleteSome people will judge no matter WHAT you do. If I have a live child I'm hoping to take a year off, and I've already had people question how I could go back after a year. I figure it's more about that person than about me - about their life. So I ignore them!
ReplyDeleteIts up to you and your husband if/when you return to work. We are in the same place as you. I have to return to work as well. Do I want to? No But I want to give my children the best of everything in life. I'm going to work part time so I will be there after school. But we will also be able to live.
ReplyDeleteDon't listen to anyone. Do whats right for you.
Haidee, my son was 18wks when I returned to work. I was never judged to my face, but I am guilty of those mums that choose to stay home and then cry poor. Get off your fat arse and work a couple of days, so I dont have to hear you whinge about how spoilt my son is! Sorry about the outburst!! Ha ha! I also had a very supportive and career focused mothers group, we all went back early. Paid maternity leave by the Australian Govt and a Baby bonus is helping mums stay home longer in Australia. Next bub, Id love a full year off, but its lookng like 6mths at this stage. You are doing the right thing, ignore any judgement, a mortgage does not pay itself.
ReplyDeleteYes Haidee I just sent an email about this to my sister in law about to give birth due in a couple of weeks and she is going back to work after 6 months.
ReplyDeleteI told her dont let anyone judge you...I know many people who go to work full time even after 3 months and have kids and they go into child care or with family etc does not make them less of a parent..you do what you have to do to survive and you will still be a beautiful mother...it will teach your children all about hard work anyways
I had to sell my business as I know I did not want to run it full time, have the worry about a business and a baby and the stress of business was not helping with my IF and my DH and I have sacrificed a lot to get where we are and I will continue to work from home part time until I need to get more income..it is and will be tight but for interim this is working for us
I so hear ya! You get judged no matter what - I agree with your first commenter. I got judged for bottle feeding, well if my breast milk had come in I would have (who wouldn't?) I went back to work out of necessity and to have some comforts in life. My son gets babysat by his grandparents 3 days a week - he will learn my Greek culture and language from them better than me. Eventually he will go to pre-school to learn about socialisation with other children and be prepared gfor big school. Do want is necessary for you and your bub Haidee, and fuck the rest who judge.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately the judgement will not stop! Like someone said, different aspects of parenting have very strong viewpoints behind them and people get very defensive of their decisions. I think when people spend the time judging those things (I have had many rude comments) they are partially paranoid about their own decision.s 4-5 months is awesome though, many working moms here only get 6 weeks before they have to go back!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for all your comments! You've made me feel so much better. I agree that I need to do what is right for our family and returning to work is the best thing for us (at this time). People have actually asked me why we did IVF if we already knew we couldn't afford to have a baby! Well, the truth is that we CAN afford to have a baby but realistically, not alot of families can survive on one income in this day and age no matter how long you wait and save. I hate to think where we would be now if we had chosen to wait longer for financial reasons!
ReplyDeleteI follow your blog as well. Here in aussie we are lucky we get 18 weeks mat leave now and I get 16 weeks full pay from work. As an ex kiwi if I was still living in NZ we would be doing the same. We just couldnt afford for one of us to be at home. Ignore what everyone is saying. It also sux the cost of private IVF in NZ - if people didnt have to pay the cost of that - I am sure they too could stay at home longer ...
ReplyDeleteI think I put a lot of judgement on myself in this particular area. I feel like we waited and tried so hard for our little girl, I should devote the rest of my life to her. But financially, I don't have a choice. It's so hard - I don't want to go, but I know I have to! And I feel so guilty about it!
ReplyDelete"mums that choose to stay home and then cry poor. Get off your fat arse and work a couple of days, so I dont have to hear you whinge about how spoilt my son is"
ReplyDeleteSheesh, that's abit harsh. I AM one of those mothers who stay home, live on one income, a toddler with another on the way, renovating a house. Yeah I "cry poor" at times (when I want that coffee, or that toy for my daughter), and yeah a little extra money would be great...but I wouldn't change it AT ALL.
We have enough money to keep a roof over our heads, food in our tummies, and clothes on our backs, so what if my kids don't have every toy on the market? or a wardrobe full of Pumpkin Patch? The time I get to spend with my daughter, watching her grow, is worth alot more. Million dollar memories.
I haven't set out to offend ANYONE who has to/chooses to go back to work....I'm simply defending women like ME who choose to stay home and "cry poor" every now and then.
I am a firm believer that loving parents are well equipped to make the best choices for their family. There is no one else who is living your life, is in your relationships, or knows your child the way that you do. No one.
ReplyDeleteI can't say that I've experienced this judgement yet, but I see it poured out all over my Best Friend. It comes from everywhere, from her parents, from her other friends who have older kids, as well as from the random strangers who think that they know more than she does about her family. It makes me so angry. She is so accepting and supportive of the different choices that other people make, yet they think that her choices are all wrong.
To complicate it all even more there are a lot of choices that she thought that she'd make as a parent, and the reality has been very different than what she expected. It especially sucks to have other people challenging your choices, when you are questioning them yourself. She is the most loving mom to her daughter and I am so proud that she is following her heart in raising her family.
I don't have any doubt that you are going to ignore all the judgement and do what is best for you and your family. it takes some strength, but girl, I know what you've been thru and strength is one quality that defines you!
I soooo glad I read this... I am going thro this right now... I stayed at home with my son for 1 year and found work after much much struggle finally... now my in laws are making a hugh fuss about sending my son to daycare!!! they dont say not to go to work but critisising sending to daycare... I am a doctor and went thro 7 years of university and they knew right from start I am a working person... now they acting as if they never thot of me going to work!!!I feel sooo miserable that I cant even enjoy the happiness of finally getting the job...
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