WEIGHTY ISSUES

During pregnancy your body changes. For the most part, once that bump starts to take shape we embrace and love the changes taking place as our body expands and grows this perfect little human.

Fast forward 9 months and after giving birth you are left with a body shape that is somewhat different to what it once was. I found while going through the IVF process that I gained about 5kg above and beyond what I was when we decided to start TTC. Add to that the 9kg I gained while pregnant and I have quite a bit to lose to get back to the me I once was. So far I have lost 7kg but I can't budge the rest of it. For some reason I thought it would be easier than it is proving to be. I eat like a sparrow and yet nothing gives. In fact, I have actually gained back a kilo I lost in the last few weeks. Of course, Christmas being just around the corner certainly doesn't help!

So, what I want to know from those ladies who have been there, what is a realistic time frame to lose the baby weight? And do you ever go back to what you once were? Any tips?

HOW DO YOU DO IT?

I feel like I might quite possibly burn out working full time and attending to a baby that is no longer sleeping through the night. Cohen has decided to start waking up several times a night and has done so pretty much since I returned to work (it started a couple of weeks beforehand so don't think they're connected). 14 weeks of uninterrupted sleep and now this. First week I thought it was a phase or growth spurt. Now it's been going on for about a month and it's getting worse. I feel a bit like I have a newborn again!

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT (ANOTHER MYTH?)

I love this little man you see here with all my heart. But it wasn't the instant intense love you might imagine it to be. That may surprise many of you and like a blog post that I wrote a few months ago regarding what I considered to be the myth of breastfeeding coming 'naturally' (which for some very lucky women it does, but for most of us it takes a lot of hard work and learning on both sides and in some cases like mine, you get to a point where it just ain't happening and you choose to go down another path) the whole love at first sight when your baby is handed to you isn't always the case. Don't get me wrong, I loved him but it took me a good 6 weeks to look at him and really feel my heart swell with love. And for some it takes even longer than that. I think it is especially hard after infertility to admit that that love takes time to build up because there is so much pressure to be the perfect mother to this little baby that you have battled for so long to hold. I felt so guilty at times that I was finding this motherhood gig harder than I felt I should be. You don't want to admit that after 3 years of trying and countless medical procedures and IVF cycles to get this precious wee baby, that you aren't always enjoying the experience of first time motherhood. That it's actually hard work. That the sleep deprivation is killing you. But by the time he was 6 weeks old, I finally had that moment. He was snuggled against my chest sleeping while I watched TV and I just felt this wash of love come over me and I knew then what it feels like to truly be in love and awe of your child. 

The reason I am writing this is because after I spoke to other women about this, I found that many IVF mums (or mums who had battled infertility regardless of how you managed to conceive in the end) were going through postnatal depression because they felt they couldn't admit that they found motherhood to be harder than they thought because they felt people would look down on them. They also put alot of pressure on themselves to be the perfect mother and then things don't go according to plan and they feel like a failure. Or they have their baby and then feel like they're a bad mother for not falling instantly head over heels in love with this baby that they have only just met. And no one wants to talk about it. So I decided I wanted to write a blog post just to say that sometimes it takes time to get to know this little person who you just welcomed into the world. You're not always going to be the perfect mother. And just because you battled so hard to get pregnant, does not mean that you can't confess to how hard you are finding it and ask for help. And eventually you will look at your child and feel the way you always felt you would feel when they were born. 

It isn't always love at first sight and that's ok.

OFFICIALLY A WORKING MUM!

Well, I survived my first two days at work and now have five days to recover! Although if I'm honest, it actually went swimmingly. Cohen is being doted on hand and foot by Grandma and I get to go to work and have a wee break as well as earn some money. He also gets to grow up having a close relationship with his grandparents like I did as a child which is a wonderful thing. I am very happy with how it all worked out and feel like a huge weight has lifted off my shoulders as I was feeling a wee bit anxious about it all in the lead up. Though when you call your mother-in-law to see how things are going and you can hear your babies raucous giggles in the background, you know you don't have a thing to worry about. The first day I made the HG drop him down as I was worried about tearing up when his little blue eyes watched me walk out the door but the second day I dropped him off myself and as soon as he saw her his little face broke into the biggest smile which made leaving a hell of a whole lot easier! I am only working two days a week until mid December so will be easing back into it over the next few weeks before going back to a four day position (down from five). My work has been absolutely wonderful at accommodating me and being very understanding (which could be surprising because I am the only female in amongst four males and it is usually a female dominated work environment that tend to be more flexible with working mums) so I am forever thankful to them for that. 

And here is a photo of him, just because I haven't posted an updated one for awhile!

BACK TO THE REAL WORLD

I'm back at work on Thursday and I must admit that I am slightly terrified. I always knew I would have to go back to work for financial reasons and I have made peace with that (I figure there is no point on dwelling on something that can't be changed) and even though a small part of me is actually looking forward to having those few days a week back in the world of adults and being able to have some adult conversation again, I am a wee bit scared of leaving Cohen. He is going to my mother-in-laws and I know he will be absolutely fine but I'm having abandonment issues. Or rather, I feel like he might have some abandonment issues. Even though he is only 20 weeks old and therefore probably too young to feel like that, it plays on my mind that he has been with me since the day he was born and now all of a sudden out of nowhere he will be dropped off somewhere else one morning and the world as he knows it will be turned upside down as mummy will be leaving him and not coming back for hours. And hours. And hours. I'm also a teeny tiny bit nervous about getting back into the real world and bursting my happy little baby bubble. 

WHERE ARE YOU NOW?

It is Labour Day in NZ today (which is a public holiday) and this was the day last year that we finally found out that we were going to become parents at long last (officially the date we found out was 25th October which is tomorrow, but this was the public holiday that changed our lives forever). I remember the phone ringing while the HG was outside planting pots of tomatoes (just as a side note, all four plants died before we even got any tomatoes from them! Luckily our parenting of Cohen has been a little better!) and as I was expecting THE call to be on my cell phone and not landline, I was quite relaxed when answering and incredibly anxious when the nurse on the other end announced who she was. I had my response to a BFN all planned out in my head as I was 99% certain it was going to be a negative and was ready to tell the nurse I was ok and I knew that was going to be the result. Dreaming of a response to a positive hadn't really entered my head which is why when she said to me after a long winded introduction of how are you, how has your day been, how are you feeling and finally "Congratulations, your results have come back and you're pregnant" I was completely speechless and didn't take a word of the next few minutes of conversation and instruction for repeat blood tests in. And the minute that phone was put down I burst into a flood of tears and went walking out to the backyard in a daze. I'll never forget the look on the HG's face when he saw me crying and his face dropped as he attempted to comfort me, to which I told him I was in fact, pregnant! And then there were tears from both of us and a fair bit of screaming.

And now we have our little cheeker (the HG's nickname for him because he's such a  cheeky baby!)

I just read back on my blog entry from last year (you can read it here) and very teary eyed read through all the beautiful comments I received to my news. I have had so much amazing support to my journey and I would love to know where you are now in your own journey's to motherhood or life in general? There were many woman who commented on my BFP post and those that came before, who don't have blogs but were in the midst of IVF cycles at the time or had been TTC for awhile and I really hope you got your BFP and are living happily ever after. I would love to hear from some of my followers and see where you are all at in your lives now a year later . . . I know that many of you would have drifted off as my blog evolved with my pregnancy and now mummyhood, which I completely understand, but if you do happen to read this, please drop me a comment and let me know how you are getting on and if you have a blog, let me know the link so I can continue to follow your journey. xox

SUCCESS!

So after all my worry about the sleeping issue, I basically decided the other night was the night to try putting him to bed in his own room. I geared up and was preparing for an unsettled evening but he went down without a single problem! I couldn't believe it! After all that, he just went to sleep. Little monkey. There was a wee bit of grizzling and I actually sat on the couch and read Hairy Maclary to him so he could hear my voice. Last night I read Brambley Hedge and tonight I just put him in his bassinet wide awake and walked out and he went straight to sleep! Didn't even hear a peep out of him. So proud of my little man! The scariest part was leaving him all alone in his room instead of wheeling him in with me. It took a bit of talking into by the HG as I wasn't overly keen on leaving him there alone but given it's right next door to our bedroom, the HG basically dragged me to bed and wouldn't allow it. I thought I would be waking up half the night and rushing in to check on him but I didn't wake up until I heard him talking to himself on the baby monitor at 6.30am the next morning! Next challenge: moving him into his actual cot. Eek!