TRYING TO FIND A PLACE IN THE BLOGGING WORLD

This blog started out as an infertility blog and inevitably as I got pregnant it became a pregnancy blog and now that I have my son, it is more of a parenting blog. But I feel like I am a bit lost when it comes to writing here these days, so I write less and less and struggle to find topics to write about that aren't drivel, especially knowing who my original audience are. I feel lost in the blogging world and I'm not sure whether to continue on with this blog or to put it to bed. I know the more you write, the more people will follow. Do I just do a monthly update of where life is at? Do I just write when it tickles my fancy (even if they are weeks apart)? Or do I just put it to bed? Thoughts?

TIME FOR CHANGE

At the beginning of every new year we always make a big list of all the things we want to achieve. I didn't really care about anything in the last few except in achieving my dream of having a baby. And here I am on the 1st January 2012 and my little prince is sound asleep in his cot (at least I hope he is!) and I have a clean slate in front of me for the first time in a very long time that doesn't include 'Get pregnant. Have a baby'. I am blessed.

So this year I simply endeavour to be the best mum and wife that I can be. To lose the baby weight and revamp my wardrobe. To wear high heels. To be a great friend. To drink less coffee (yeah right!).

And in the spirit of a new year and new beginnings, I have decided to do a little blog makeover in the coming weeks. Watch this space!

Now to go and re-settle my not so sound asleep baby!

Happy New Year to you all and best wishes for 2012! 

WEIGHTY ISSUES

During pregnancy your body changes. For the most part, once that bump starts to take shape we embrace and love the changes taking place as our body expands and grows this perfect little human.

Fast forward 9 months and after giving birth you are left with a body shape that is somewhat different to what it once was. I found while going through the IVF process that I gained about 5kg above and beyond what I was when we decided to start TTC. Add to that the 9kg I gained while pregnant and I have quite a bit to lose to get back to the me I once was. So far I have lost 7kg but I can't budge the rest of it. For some reason I thought it would be easier than it is proving to be. I eat like a sparrow and yet nothing gives. In fact, I have actually gained back a kilo I lost in the last few weeks. Of course, Christmas being just around the corner certainly doesn't help!

So, what I want to know from those ladies who have been there, what is a realistic time frame to lose the baby weight? And do you ever go back to what you once were? Any tips?

HOW DO YOU DO IT?

I feel like I might quite possibly burn out working full time and attending to a baby that is no longer sleeping through the night. Cohen has decided to start waking up several times a night and has done so pretty much since I returned to work (it started a couple of weeks beforehand so don't think they're connected). 14 weeks of uninterrupted sleep and now this. First week I thought it was a phase or growth spurt. Now it's been going on for about a month and it's getting worse. I feel a bit like I have a newborn again!

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT (ANOTHER MYTH?)

I love this little man you see here with all my heart. But it wasn't the instant intense love you might imagine it to be. That may surprise many of you and like a blog post that I wrote a few months ago regarding what I considered to be the myth of breastfeeding coming 'naturally' (which for some very lucky women it does, but for most of us it takes a lot of hard work and learning on both sides and in some cases like mine, you get to a point where it just ain't happening and you choose to go down another path) the whole love at first sight when your baby is handed to you isn't always the case. Don't get me wrong, I loved him but it took me a good 6 weeks to look at him and really feel my heart swell with love. And for some it takes even longer than that. I think it is especially hard after infertility to admit that that love takes time to build up because there is so much pressure to be the perfect mother to this little baby that you have battled for so long to hold. I felt so guilty at times that I was finding this motherhood gig harder than I felt I should be. You don't want to admit that after 3 years of trying and countless medical procedures and IVF cycles to get this precious wee baby, that you aren't always enjoying the experience of first time motherhood. That it's actually hard work. That the sleep deprivation is killing you. But by the time he was 6 weeks old, I finally had that moment. He was snuggled against my chest sleeping while I watched TV and I just felt this wash of love come over me and I knew then what it feels like to truly be in love and awe of your child. 

The reason I am writing this is because after I spoke to other women about this, I found that many IVF mums (or mums who had battled infertility regardless of how you managed to conceive in the end) were going through postnatal depression because they felt they couldn't admit that they found motherhood to be harder than they thought because they felt people would look down on them. They also put alot of pressure on themselves to be the perfect mother and then things don't go according to plan and they feel like a failure. Or they have their baby and then feel like they're a bad mother for not falling instantly head over heels in love with this baby that they have only just met. And no one wants to talk about it. So I decided I wanted to write a blog post just to say that sometimes it takes time to get to know this little person who you just welcomed into the world. You're not always going to be the perfect mother. And just because you battled so hard to get pregnant, does not mean that you can't confess to how hard you are finding it and ask for help. And eventually you will look at your child and feel the way you always felt you would feel when they were born. 

It isn't always love at first sight and that's ok.

OFFICIALLY A WORKING MUM!

Well, I survived my first two days at work and now have five days to recover! Although if I'm honest, it actually went swimmingly. Cohen is being doted on hand and foot by Grandma and I get to go to work and have a wee break as well as earn some money. He also gets to grow up having a close relationship with his grandparents like I did as a child which is a wonderful thing. I am very happy with how it all worked out and feel like a huge weight has lifted off my shoulders as I was feeling a wee bit anxious about it all in the lead up. Though when you call your mother-in-law to see how things are going and you can hear your babies raucous giggles in the background, you know you don't have a thing to worry about. The first day I made the HG drop him down as I was worried about tearing up when his little blue eyes watched me walk out the door but the second day I dropped him off myself and as soon as he saw her his little face broke into the biggest smile which made leaving a hell of a whole lot easier! I am only working two days a week until mid December so will be easing back into it over the next few weeks before going back to a four day position (down from five). My work has been absolutely wonderful at accommodating me and being very understanding (which could be surprising because I am the only female in amongst four males and it is usually a female dominated work environment that tend to be more flexible with working mums) so I am forever thankful to them for that. 

And here is a photo of him, just because I haven't posted an updated one for awhile!

BACK TO THE REAL WORLD

I'm back at work on Thursday and I must admit that I am slightly terrified. I always knew I would have to go back to work for financial reasons and I have made peace with that (I figure there is no point on dwelling on something that can't be changed) and even though a small part of me is actually looking forward to having those few days a week back in the world of adults and being able to have some adult conversation again, I am a wee bit scared of leaving Cohen. He is going to my mother-in-laws and I know he will be absolutely fine but I'm having abandonment issues. Or rather, I feel like he might have some abandonment issues. Even though he is only 20 weeks old and therefore probably too young to feel like that, it plays on my mind that he has been with me since the day he was born and now all of a sudden out of nowhere he will be dropped off somewhere else one morning and the world as he knows it will be turned upside down as mummy will be leaving him and not coming back for hours. And hours. And hours. I'm also a teeny tiny bit nervous about getting back into the real world and bursting my happy little baby bubble.