HANDLE WITH CARE

I'm at that stage now. The stage where I am feeling oversensitive to everything. Those of you have done an IVF cycle before know what I mean - the part where all the drugs mingle together to alter your hormone levels and mix you up. This is tough and being my third cycle I am completely and utterly terrified. I have done a great job of putting it out of my head until now but the anxiety is kicking in. My cat woke me up at 2am (again by tipping over the bin in our room and proceeding to make a racket to wake me up so he could go outside) and then I went back to sleep and dreamt for the remainder of the night. I am tired and fed up. I desperately want a coffee. I am CRAVING caffiene like you wouldn't believe.

Money issues are also causing stress. I can't believe how close we are to Christmas and I haven't even THOUGHT about Christmas shopping. I am usually THAT girl that everyone hates who has it all finished and wrapped by the 1st December. This year I don't even know how we are going to afford to pay for presents. I am one of those woman who hate to be in debt and due to the nature of life at the moment our credit card is at the highest I have ever allowed it to be. And it stresses me out. And then to top it off the HG called this morning to say that the alarm is going off at home and the security company was going to go out and check it out = a $60 call out fee. I never get to buy anything nice for myself anymore because I am juggling bills and spending what little money is left over on acupuncture that costs me $66 a pop and I still don't have a baby to show for what is now thousands of dollars spent on acu in the last year and a bit. I don't even enjoy it anymore but feel like I have to go because if I don't it will jeopardise this cycle.

I think it's all just getting on top of me at the moment and I need a good sleep. Preferably without dreams.

FINALLY TIME FOR THE FUN PART!

I start the puregon tonight! Finally! I feel a bit like it has taken forever to get to this point but by the same token it also seems to have come about really quickly. My first BT is on Tuesday to check how I am responding and what my E2 levels are up to (last time they were ok for the first BT and then went crazy afterwards so hoping for a more steady rise this time) so until then I won't have much to contribute. Still feeling pretty tired and headachy today which isn't cool but I am really hoping the stims will balance things out in my body a bit more. 

Let the fun stuff begin!

I was also tagged by a fellow blogger a few days back to answer a bunch of questions and I haven't got around to it until now. So here goes:

(1) What is your dream occupation?
I would love to be a digital designer but as I am a perfectionist I fear I would spend too long fiddling around with different shades of the same colour for hours on end and never complete anything!

(2) What is the best dish you can cook?
Does baking count? If so I discovered a chocolate cake in a recipe book a few years back that is DELICIOUS and I have adapted as my own and is certainly my signature dish/cake. I get requests for it all the time and as I LOVE to bake I don't mind! I find it great for easing stress. As for actually cooking? Not something I enjoy and you'll most likely find me in the kitchen cooking a 'just add sauce out of a jar' type meal.

(3) Have you ever been mentioned in a newspaper?
Yes, I was dux of my high school so was mentioned in several papers for that achievement. Having said that though, if you knew my high school you'd know it wasn't such a feat! Enough said.

(4) What's the worst and most memorable job you ever had?
I don't know about the worst but the most memorable was definately spending a summer working as a camp counsellor at an American Summer Camp in the US. As I'm a Kiwi gal this was quite an adventure for me! Can't say I'm used to chipmunks in my sleeping bag . . . or having a tarantula lurking in a roll of paper in the arts and crafts room I worked in! Not to mention the food! I put on about 5kg in 8 weeks!

(5) When you were a teenager, at what age did you envision yourself getting married? How old were you in reality when you got married?
I can't say I really envisioned myself getting married when I was in high school! It just wasn't on my mind. I wanted to travel the world a be independant and I guess marriage was something to think about later in life. In reality I got married at 23! My mum dying changed my whole outlook on life.

(6) What’s your most hated household chore? What’s your favourite?
Is it really possible to have a favourite household chore? I hate all housework! No favourite here but I hate changing the sheets the most - I know that sounds silly but it's such a mission getting the duvet back in the cover, I hate it!

(7) What’s your earliest memory?
Being a bridesmaid at my mum and step-dads wedding and not being allowed Coke at the reception in case I spilled it on my white lacy bridesmaid dress! My step sister was about 7 (I was about 4, neraly 5) and she was allowed but I wasn't and I was outraged!

And so it's my turn to tag some of my fellow bloggers! If it's not your cup of tea then don't worry about it but I'll put it out there!

So I'm tagging three bloggers:

Sarah @ The Rocky Road to Motherhood
Cortney @ Inconcievable
B35 @ The Journey to Our Three Little Kilos

I'll shake it up a bit and mix the questions up with a couple of new ones so they are:

(1) When you were a teenager, at what age did you envision yourself getting married? How old were you in reality when you got married?

(2) What is your all time favourite TV series and why?

(3) What is your earliest memory?

(4) Who is your biggest inspiration?

(5) Which country would you love to visit?

(6) In a past life you think you were . . .?

(7) How many kids do you want and has that changed through IF?

FEELING FLAT

I had acupuncture today and now I'm feeling pretty flat and a wee bit down. I thought I was in a  much better position this time around healthwise but apparently my energy levels are at zilch. And energy is required to make healthy eggs. But where does that leave me when my tiredness and lack of energy isn't due to anything I can control and is actually down to the fact that I can't sleep without dreaming? Last night I spent all night in my dreams running away from a gunman out to kill me. What for I don't know, but needless to say I was pretty darn tired when I woke up! And the daylight savings changes doesn't help things either.

In better news, the nurse rang me to tell me my BT results were perfect and I'm now down regulated and I am to start my puregon on Thursday night. Actually the words she used were 'You are to start your tiny dosage of 75iu on Thursday night'. Talk about reiterating it! I KNOW it is a tiny dosage and every nurse at the clinic I come into contact with is quick to remind me of that fact which just adds to my paranoia that I am going to jab myself and nothing is going to happen. Especially since my 'energy' levels are zilch.

Here come the nerves!!

MIND & BODY CONNECTION

I know I've already done one blog entry today but I got to thinking about this and wanted to write about it and see what everyone else thinks. You read all these articles about the whole mind/body connection in the success of IVF. Apparently studies show that those who practice this have better success than those who don't. How much do you believe state of mind can impact your chances of success with IVF? Or do you believe that whether the cycle succeeds or fails has nothing whatsoever to do with our mindset?

I have spoken about how last cycle I self-sabotaged after I found out we had no frosties. I was devastated to go from 14 embryos on Day 3 to only one on Day 5. I spent the majority of the 2WW crying, convinced within days of transfer that it was useless. My friends and family would call me to ask how I was getting on and I would be continually telling them I was sure it hadn't worked. I didn't possess an ounce of positivity and the result reflected that.

This time I have the opposite attitude. I am determined not to allow myself to go down that path again. Those who walked with me last time have commented numerous times on how much more relaxed and positive I have been this time around. I have been listening to a hypnotherapy track I brought online and it is FANTASTIC. It is a 30 minute track that takes you through deep breathing exercises into a state of relaxation until you are fully relaxed and hypnotised before giving you positive affirmations for pre-conception -  being accepting of it, believing it can happen, knowing your body is healthy and capable of carrying a baby to term. I'm not sure if I am really hypnotised or not but I am certainly relaxed and it is like having someone whisper to you that you can do this. It's great. But will it make a difference?

What do you think? Is there a connection?

SHE ARRIVED!

Well, I needn't have worried because pretty much as soon as I posted my blog query I started getting cramping and sure enough she had arrived by 9.30pm. Yay! One less thing to worry about. Bring on the stims! I'm rearing to get started now. I was saying to the HG yesterday that I think I am more nervous about egg collection this time than I was last cycle because I know just what to expect. And it ain't pleasant! In NZ if you are doing a govt funded cycle then you are awake for the whole thing. Of course they stick a needle in your hand to administer some painkillers and give you an oxygen mask but I swear it did NOTHING for me last time. It started off ok but by the end I was shaking with pain and it was awful. Then I nearly passed out getting up and needed to take some deep breaths before being wheeled back to my cubicle in a wheelchair! How embarrassing! Folllowed of course by 5 days recovery. So of course, having that experience to fall back on, egg collection is not on my list of things I want to repeat. But we do what we have to do and hopefully with a lower dosage we'll get less eggs which in turn will make the procedure less painful. Here's hoping!

Thanks to everyone who replied to my query and commented on my new hair colour! It has actually already started fading from a deep red to a reddy brown and I love it! Nothing like a change to put a spring in your step. I highly recommend it!

MY NEW LOOK

I took the plunge and instead of brunette (as originally planned!) I ended up a redhead! What the hell, it's nice to try something different and it'll fade over time. And I got the chop too! So I have a new look for the Spring and my upcoming pregnancy. Because this IS going to work. I am going to get pregnant and have a happy and healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. I am!

I must confess though that I am starting to get a wee bit nervous! This time around I am going to be on only 75iu of puregon. Teeny tiny dosage compared to most people but in my case I got 18 eggs on 100iu and a nice dose of OHSS between collection and transfer. Not something I would like to repeat as I was miserable for a good five days. Really miserable. Think waking up in the middle of the night in tears from pain and vomiting type miserable (and I am guilty of not informing the clinic of how I was feeling and stubbornly going ahead with transfer anyway). I know I shouldn't be nervous because clearly I need a lower dose but I can't help but feel my body may not respond as well this time around as that time I had been doing acu for a good 12 months prior and this time I only started going again about 5 weeks ago. I just hope it doesn't influence things too much. And that my eggs decide to behave and grow at a normal rate rather than an inflated rate. Eek!

TIME FOR A CHANGE

That's right, tomorrow I am getting my hair done and I am going for a completely new look. I am going dark! I have been brunette before but I went back to my trusty blonde and now I'm switching back. And my hairdresser is going to kill me if I turn up at her salon again in several months time demanding to go back to blonde again! In fact, I think my hair would fall out if I did that, it is in seriously bad condition! So I'm taking the plunge . . . EEK!

Following that I am taking the HG out to dinner for his birthday. He turned 28 on Tuesday and I thought it would be nice to get my hair done, get dressed up and actually go OUT for once. We don't go out much. It's really quite sad! We just can't afford it and it sucks but we've spent our money on things like putting in a driveway and other house renovations which doesn't leave alot of cash for going out every weekend. Or new clothes. Or 6 weekly hair appointments (hence the change to brunette!). I can't wait to not be able to afford to go out due to spending money on fun stuff - like cots, baby clothes and everything inbetween! I'm going to have a field day when that time comes (and the HG is going to hate it!) 

We don't shop together nicely. Do many couples shop together nicely? Probably not. To give you an example, when we brought our house there were no curtains so we had to go shopping for curtains for every room in the house. And in amongst the curtains in the local Spotlight store we very nearly got divorced. It was so bad we ended up getting back in the car with no curtains, driving to his parents place and bringing his mum back to the store with us as a mediator. I am not kidding! I had woman walking past me shaking there heads in sympathy. So I wonder how this scenario is going to play out in the baby shops? Hopefully we get to find out very soon. Minus the divorce.