PONDERING THE UNFAIRNESS OF IT ALL

One of the things I hate about infertility is that not only am I struggling to conceive but I am watching so many wonderful woman struggle too. And it's not bloody fair! These woman would make the most beautiful mothers and yet we are all sharing in the same never ending (or so it feels anyway) journey to that elusive BFP. We can only do so much to help prepare for our fertility treatments but it's not always enough and we really have no control over it at all. And it SUCKS. I just wish I could see more success and less heartbreak. More pregnancies than Big Fat Negatives. More healthy babies born than babies lost. More healthy heartbeats and growing bumps than angels wings to signify the babies gone too soon. 

Who chooses who gets to have children? Why are there so many neglected and abused children in this world while so many who would make the most loving parents miss out?

WITHDRAWALS (AGAIN!)

I don't know what it is but as soon as I know I really need to start being good with my diet, the more I crave those things I shouldn't have. The last month I have been really good on the coffee front - I rode through the caffeine withdrawals and stuck with it even though the headaches were killing me. I have avoided all fatty foods (as advised by my FS) and chocolate, exercised and been a good girl! Then my period arrived . . . I have now had three coffee's since Friday and spent all day yesterday with a repeat wthdrawal headache. I had two on Friday and one on Saturday (against my will of course!). Ok, I admit that I didn't HAVE to drink them but my husband brought me two which was sweet of him - one on Friday morning because we stopped at the place that make my absolute favourite coffee and he wanted to treat me, and one on Saturday morning which he brought from the local bakery and delivered to me in bed because I'd been up half the night in agony with cramps and was super exhausted. And I had one Friday night because it was part of a set menu and they didn't have decaf (I did ask, honest!) And they were delicious! Then Sunday all I wanted was a pie for lunch so I munched down a mince and cheese pie even though I had homemade pumpkin soup in the fridge that I had made Saturday. And then to top it all off I had a Rocky Road Memphis Meltdown Sunday arvo. Bliss! Chocolate and jelly swirled ice-cream dipped in marshmallow and coated with nuts and coconut chocolate! It's funny because I haven't really been tempted in the last few weeks even though I said to myself that since I hadn't officially started it was still ok to treat myself. Then I officially start and of course THAT is when I want it! Oh well, today is a new day. Let's just call it a celebratory weekend in which I got rid of all cravings in preparation for the long 60 odd days ahead!

DAY ONE!

WOOHOO! My period finally decided to arrive and I have now officially started! I had no indication she was coming until I woke up about 3am with bad cramping and went to the bathroom to find she was starting. So, first of the pills down this morning, the nurse at the clinic has been advised and I'm on my way! I also want to take this opportunity to say a heartfelt thanks to everyone who has offered me well wishes and luck for this cycle. I appreciate the support more than you can know. Infertility can be an incredibly lonely thing to go through and every comment warms my heart and helps me feel less alone. So THANK YOU.  

And away we go!

CLICHES

I just had one of those moments. You know that ones where you think about something and then 'ping!' I just realised that this will be my 3RD IVF cycle in one year! I mean I knew that but I hadn't really thought about it properly until now. Whatever happened to IVF being the miracle cure? Celebrities would have you believe it's easy and works every time. Only a select few even admit to using it but the mainstream opinion is always 'Oh, well if I can't get pregnant naturally then I will just do IVF' Like it's a definate cure. It's not. It's physically and emotionally draining. We don't all have live in nurses on standby to give us our injections so all we have to do is relax while the staff prepare healthy meals and we don't have to worry about a thing. They have endless supplies of money so finances aren't an issue. If only!

In reality it is alot more complicated than jabbing yourself and then voila BABY! A long IVF cycle takes just over 65 days from beginning to end. We put ourselves into menopause and experience all the symptoms that brings with it - hot flushes, mood swings, fatigue, headaches. For three weeks we stab ourselves with needles then for two more weeks we stab ourselves with needles TWICE a day. To a strict military schedule. One little slip and it could be over. Socialising becomes difficult because you might have to inject yourself and the drugs have to be kept in the fridge so you often can't go out and then friends stop inviting you (especially if you are keeping your infertility a secret). Which equals isolation. Then of course there is the egg collection and the waiting and the 2WW to find out if it's worked. Torture. I know I make it sound really bad and when you're actually doing it then I guess it's not that bad but I just hate the assumption that it's an easy fix, because in reality it's alot harder than that. I wish there were more celebrities willing to step up and tell it like it really is instead of lying through their teeth and proclaiming it was 'all natural' or that doing it was 'easy'. Celine Dion is the only one I can think of off the top of my head who is actually open about the difficulties.

Even people close to me are naive about the realities of IVF and seemed surprised it didn't work. But here I am approaching IVF#3. And still no bubba. I have been on this rollarcoaster for nearly THREE years. And I didn't expect that. I really didn't think I would be the last one of my forum friends to be still waiting for a baby. But here I am and I guess if I have to be here then I am going to write it how it is. I try to keep my blog amusing as I do tend to live my life with glass half full but sometimes it can be exhausting and I don't want to make it seem like this isn't hard.

Now, I just hope I can bring the happy ending that everyone is hoping for!

SMOOTHIE RECIPE

It was a gorgeous winters morning in Wellington this morning so I went for a lovely 40 minute walk along the waterfront and felt so good for it! I plan to do that every fine day from here on in and reap the benefits of exercise and fresh air. The only thing that was missing was a lovely hot cup of takeaway coffee in hand! I have to admit though that I did have one at morning tea! Work was shouting and I couldn't resist (besides, my acu guy said to treat myself occasionally as I need to enjoy life as well as try to make babies and it's better to have an occasional coffee than decaf) And it was sooooo bloody NICE! Aaaaaahhhhh, oh how I miss my morning coffee's!

Now, there have been a few queries regarding this 'super' smoothie I have been drinking so here is the recipe for those of you interested:

SUPER SMOOTHIE RECIPE

3 Kiwifruit (or 'Kiwi' as I believe you call them outside of NZ!)

1 glass of Apple Juice (pure)

A slice or two of Lemon including rind

2 small handfuls of Spinach

1 Banana

Half a cup of water

Optional extras:

 Pineapple (good for implantation apparently!) I just cheat and use one tin of pineapple in it's own juice

Mixed Berries (I add about a cups worth due to the great antioxidant benefits)

Natural Yoghurt (a tablespoon for the probiotic benefit)

Nuts (Walnuts, Almonds or Brazil Nuts particularly) - just pop a small handful in of each

Sunflower seeds - again a small handful

(NOTE: Edited to add that this smoothie lasts me for 3 or 4 days depending on glass size so don't think you have to drink the whole lot and then make a new batch every day! It keeps really well in a sealed container in the fridge)

As you can see I add all the bits and pieces that I have heard improve fertility to my smoothie, making it a super fertility smoothie! I also take three fish oil tablets at night before bed (for the omega 3 to make healthy eggies) and of course folic acid and a pre-conception multi. Oh, and did you know eggs are really important as they are good for your eggs too (eggs make good eggs!) Hehe. All my research says so anyway so I eat alot more when doing IVF and I got 18 eggs on 100iu last time so maybe there's something to it! And just one more thing - my acupuncturist says to get the most benefit you should drink your smoothies after lunch as first thing in the morning it is hard on your digestive system to digest all that raw food so you don't get as much benefit as having them at lunch time, even before bed is fine.

Oh, and I got a great online deal today at a hairdresser close to my work - cut, full colour and style for $99 (usually $205!) YIPPEE! Now I will be healthy AND pampered. I love getting my hair done, always makes me feel good and is long overdue. Now, what to do with it? Maybe time for a change and a bit of a full makeover perhaps in time for my new pregnancy look? Thinking positive thoughts!

GOOD LUCK LADIES!

NOT LONG TO GO!

I only have one day left on these drugs and then hopefully my period decides to behave itself and show up within a few days as required so I can finally ring up the nurse at my clinic and pronounce my Day 1! I'm excited but realise that I have also been procrastinating. I was hoping for another cycle after this one before we started and was irrationally freaked out when I found out my FS wanted to start me straight away. Since then I have been going a bit mad trying to cram everything I wanted to do to prepare into two weeks instead of five. I went back to acu and have another appointment today, I got into the smoothies, I have been walking like crazy and trying to eat healthy. And yesterday I didn't even have a decaf! I read on one of the forums I frequent that even decaf isn't a good substitute for coffee where infertility is concerned, so I have decided to limit myself to one a week (a girls gotta have some treats right?!) So, a couple of days from now I should be on my way! I'm freaking out! As previously mentioned, this is our last government funded IVF cycle. From here on in it gets super expensive to access fertility treatment in NZ. Upwards from $12,000 per IVF cycle! I think the reason I was happy meandering along was because as long as that cycle is still looming there is still hope. I'm scared to travel down this path towards that unexpected result. Will it be my much longed for BFP or a heartbreaking BFN? Will I get frosties? Will this work or am I soon going to be contemplating where to from here and how to even begin to afford anymore treatments? Do I give up and pursue adoption or do I take out a crazy loan and carry on toward our dream while getting us into debt at the same time? Aaaggghhh. So damn scary! I hate surprises and I hate not knowing what's going to happen. I would quite happily carry on down this road I've been on for the last few months if I had a choice, holding onto that hope rather than facing it full on. Does that sound crazy or completely understandable? I am excited, don't get me wrong, but I am also petrified!

THE GREEN EYED MONSTER

I admit it. As much as I hate to be that jealous girl sitting in the corner I sometimes can't help myself. Everywhere I go these days I seem to see baby bumps and babies and toddlers and children. They're everywhere I go and I can't seem to get away from them. I sat in the car yesterday waiting for the HG to come out of the sporting goods store (safer to stay in the car where I can't be talked into buying him some fishing related gear that he has a million of already) and everywhere I looked were families - parents and their teenagers, a mother pushing a stroller, a dad carrying a tired toddler, a mum with three young kids pushing and shoving one another as they walked across the carpark. It made me truly realise just how much I am in the minority. Having kids is so normal. And easy it seems. Except for me. Sometimes I feel like that even though I know it isn't true but sometimes you do feel so isolated. I said to my husband today that the reason insurance companies don't always cover infertility (and none of them do in New Zealand) was because even though infertility has been recognised as a disease by the World Health Organisation it was considered a 'lifestyle' choice whether to have children and therefore it is not covered, as having children is not considered a health 'necessity'. It doesn't seem to take into account the fact that the same amount of depression is seem in woman with infertility as cancer patients. My husband then responded 'but if you don't have kids to keep the world populated then what else is there?' What else indeed!

It can be so hard being 'that' childless couple. Facebook can be equally as hard to cope with for an infertile. I love Facebook and find it wonderful for staying in touch with my friends and family and finding out what everyone is up to these days but every day it seems there are new pregnancy announcements to endure (not that I'm not happy for them as I have spoken about before but once again sad for me) and especially when you are getting lapped over and over again by woman who got pregnant with their first while you were trying and are now announcing there second. Blah. I hate being a green eyed monster but MY TURN ALREADY!