OUR DECISION

The HG and I had a chat on the weekend about whether we want to go for #2. We concluded that we do want another child. We quite simply couldn't conciously choose to have an only without at least trying for another baby but we could both live with just having the one if that turns out to be the way it is (in other words, we could make the decsion to stop and be happy with just C if we got to a point where IVF was the only way forward). But that is now, not taking into account the emotions of TTC and failing and the burning desire that you get once you start. But for now, the decision is definitely not to close the door to future TTC efforts. We will try naturally for one year. If no luck after a year, we will return to the fertility clinic and use our frozen embryo (given it defrosts). If no luck with that then we will just let it go and let nature take it's course. Sounds good in theory anyway! Practice could be very different.

We decided at the same time to throw contraception out the window now and not try but not prevent. Yes, we are/were using protection. Crazy? Why use protection when you couldn't actively get pregnant after 3 years of trying and then resorting to IVF? Yes, maybe just a little bit mad but at the same time, good for the sanity to not be pondering the idea of a pregnancy every month (no matter how slim). However, I have now had a change of heart (potentially too late for this month though!). After telling the HG while walking through the mall on Saturday (random place for these kind of discussions!) and getting him to agree to throw it out the window and if a miracle happens so be it, I have now changed my mind. I've realised I am more preoccupied with the whole 'getting pregnant' theory than I am with the 'I want another baby now' theory. Quite simply, I don't want another baby yet. I love my life with C and I am enjoying where things are at now. Throwing another baby in the mix too soon would be chaos (financially and just for life in general) so I concluded that we will scrap that idea and go back to protecting until I know I am doing it for the right reasons. Because I want another child, not just because I am so scared that I won't get another one that I want to start trying immediately 'just in case' we miss the opportunity.

A BIT OF LIGHTHEARTEDNESS

So after some more intense topics over the course of the last week, I have concluded I need to lighten the tone a bit. Have you ever looked at your blog stats and looked at what people are searching/googling that lead to your blog? Well, I did this the other day and it was pretty funny! Here are the best ones:

Angelswingsloonyhard

(Um, this could be dodgy or it might not be - is it 'Angels wings loony hard', or 'Angel swings loony hard'?)

I had chocolate brownie, anxiety attack

(Did I once refer to having an anxiety attack while eating a chocolate brownie?)

Greek orthodox IVF baby

(ok, get the IVF baby part but Greek Orthodox? Pretty sure I have never used the words Greek or Orthodox in a blog post. Except perhaps I once mentioned that my name is Greek, hence the Greek, IVF and Baby referring to here?)

Dreams - my dead mom who appears in the loony bin

(Um ...)

What are some of the funniest googles that have led to your blog?

INSIGHT NEEDED!

Following on from my post yesterday, I would love some insight into your decision making when it came to this decision ...

If you did decide to have an only and not TTC again, what made you come to this decision? What things did you take into consideration? Are you still happy with this decision?

If you did decide to venture into the territory of trying to conceive again, did you decide to try naturally first? How are you finding it? Is it easier second time around or are you finding yourself slipping back into the same complex emotions and obsessions as the first time? Will you give it a time limit?

DO I EVEN WANT TO GO THERE?

Lately we have been thinking a bit about TTC#2. Blah. Ok, we were thinking about this before C even made his grand entrance into the world. I guess when you have been through years of infertility, even going through the pregnancy and having a baby doesn't stop you from thinking about it. A bit like the green eyed monster. Who knew that you could still feel jealous when you hear a pregnancy announcement after you have had your own. You would think that finally having your own would make you immune! But I think it is something that is so deeply ingrained in you that you can't help how you automatically respond to those announcements. Sure, it's not the lightening in the heart and tears type jealousy that it once was, but it's a bit of envy all the same!

So anyway, TTC#2. I'm not even sure whether I want to go there. Do I want to delve back into the world of TTC and the ache it carries with it? I'm of the opinion that once you start down that road it's hard to go back. It's like a craving that grows inside of you until it's all you can think about. I know having C will certainly make the journey a more bearable one and much easier to deal with than the journey to get him, but I can't help but think that emotionally the safer route would be simply to accept and enjoy a life with one child. We don't have the option of another IVF cycle. We have one frostie but that is our last resort. The 3 IVF cycles it took to conceive C were publicly funded so in the end it didn't cost us anything ... except for the hundreds of dollars (scrap that, thousands!) that I invested in vitamin companies and acupuncturists and on little balls of chinese herbs that I took in the handfuls for well over a year. But another cycle would cost us up to (if not over) $13,000. Can I juggle that risk when there are no guaruntees and we already have one child to support? No. We have already decided that it will have to be a natural conception or our one frostie or not at all.

But what makes me think that we can even HAVE a natural pregnancy after 3 long years of trying everything under the sun the first time around? So many people have said to me that 'Your body knows what to do now you've had one baby'. They have said that so many times that I start to believe it. Last month we didn't use any protection one time during ovulation and dare I say it, I was freaking out just a tad. Like I could have one little accident and get pregnant just because I had a baby. Who am I kidding!

So, back to the original question - do I even want to go there?



WHEN HELP BACKFIRES

This is what happens when you ask your husband to help you out by feeding the baby ... the end result of which is having to strip off all their clothes and give them a bath, thus actually adding to the workload.

Also, if you are going to sneak said baby a mini chocolate girl guide biscuit (for those outside of NZ, it is a small wine biscuit with a thin layer of milk chocolate on one side) it pays to remove the chocolate smothered white pants from said child to hide the evidence. Chocolate coated pants are an obvious sign. However, from the look of him I'd say most of the chocolate ended up on his pants rather than in his mouth and our dog was quick to eat the rest. Men!

 

I think I'll just feed him myself tomorrow night!

TRANSITIONS OF AN IF BLOG

Even though I haven't been blogging myself lately, I still take a keen interest in reading other blogs and keeping up with what is happening in the ALI blogging world. That is what brought me to the discussion on PAIL and then onto the healing discussion posts from LFCA which I have found very fascinating to read. I can relate to much of what has been discussed on there and would like to write about a few things from my perspective in the hopes that it will help people to understand why I took a backseat for the last few months.

When I started blogging and joined many of the ICLW events, I began to follow many blogs that I could relate to who were going through the same things as me at the time. Once I got pregnant I continued to read these blogs, but as time went on I started to feel uncomfortable in the IF community. It wasn't about my follower or commenter numbers dropping (as I have always openly said how I completely understand why readers would feel the need to move on from my blog as subject matter changed with my growing bump and then my transition into motherhood, not to mention the fact that I was blogging less frequently) but the bitterness tinged in some of these blogs of writers who were still in the trenches (I have edited this to add that I am NOT referring to the bitterness that every infertile feels about their predicament and the bitterness that can bite when you hear about others pregnancies, particularly those that come easy. I am talking about bitterness that comes across as downright nasty to pregnant woman and mothers. There is a big difference). It made me withdraw back into my shell and start having longer gaps between posts. When you are on the way to motherhood, or just entered into motherhood, continually reading these posts with such negative undertones about pregnant woman or mothers is really quite disconcerting and awkward, and you begin to take things personally and feel wrong about posting. So you step back. I'm not saying I never felt that way at times, that I never felt bitter about my predicament or jealous or angry, but some blog posts I read were outright poisonous. And I didn't want to be exposed to that. So although it was easy enough to stop reading them, it still left a lasting impression on me and my place in the blogging world post baby. The creation of PAIL has in some way inspired me to make a return. If others can carry on blogging post baby, then why can't I?

Do I think there is alienation of parenting blogs in this blogosphere? Yes, but I can understand why. Let's be honest, we don't seek out pregnant or parenting after IF blogs. We found this community while we were still trying desperately to conceive. I still follow infertility blogs but blessed be, most of the ones I started following 2 years ago have gone on to be successful and then teepered off on their posting, which is exactly what I did. Perception is strong in this instance. I never felt like anyone was telling me NOT to blog and no one outright did, but I just began to feel uncomfortable and there were some things that I would have liked to share that I felt I couldn't, due to some of my readership being people IRL and the awkwardness of discussing personal relationships and feelings and knowing they were reading.

In summing up I feel the need to apologise if I have hurt anyones feelings by stepping back as it was never my intention to neglect my readership. I am also very much looking forward to being able to invest more time in my relationships with my followers now that you can individually reply to comments (yay!) and finding some new blogs to follow.

UNVEILING MY NEW BLOG!

So, I have finally finished updating my new blog look but I decided to keep the title of my blog and just alter the tagline. In the end I decided I couldn't part with it!

So you are probably wondering if this means I am entering back into the blogging world. And the answer is a tentative yes. I will definitely make the effort to post more often (once a week springs to mind!) and try and keep you posted with what is new or exciting in my world of parenting and life.

Right now I will start with an update of how things are progressing in our lives ...

Cohen is now 8 and a half months old. He has just started to commando crawl and is a happy and chilled out wee chappy who sleeps through the night. He's cheeky and independant and hates to be restricted (ie. he still can't sit cos that would mean being still). He is on 3 solid meals a day, hates holding food so is spoonfed (he gets a disgusted look on his face if I attempt to 'heaven forbid!' give him a piece of meat to chew or a piece of pasta and spends the next few minutes determined to flick the offending item off his hand) so for now we are still doing purees. He can say mum (but only in amongst tears) and has 4 teeth.

As for me, I work 4 days a week from 8.30am - 4.30pm and I am back to drinking 5 coffees per day and well and truly back to having a full blown caffeine addiction. And I love it! I adore not having to worry that drinking coffee will be lowering my chances of conceiving, or for that matter a glass (or two) of wine! I am enjoying having my body back for the first time in over 3 years. I am enjoying not worrying about when I'm ovulating or if my period shows up (which it has been doing for months now but NO MORE CRAMPS! Hallelujah!) and not having to pop a million pills.

I have achieved my weight loss goal and new years resolution to return to pre-pregnancy weight (but would still like to lose the 5kg that fertility treatments unkindly gifted me with).

 I am wearing heels.

 I have had my hair dyed back to blonde.

And I have been shopping recently and spent $109 on a skirt. Yep, $109 on JUST a skirt.

Oh, and I turned 30 at the beginning of this month!

And I think that about sums it up! Looking forward to being back and thank you so much for your patience!