OFFICIALLY PUPO!

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all the words of support today. I appreciate it so much as I was feeling a little fragile this morning. As you know, I decided to go back to work and when I got there I had the call that they were going to do a 3 day transfer so I couldn't stay. Now, even though my going to work when I had arranged annual leave was to do them a favour as we had one guy away and another sick (but at work) my boss gave me the guilt trip when I said I had to leave which really pissed me off and was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. He knows it too because after I returned from the bathroom after a little cry, he was all nice, asking how it all worked, wishing me luck etc. Grrr . . . so typical of him though, speak first and then realise later what an ass he was. I shouldn't be surprised though, that's just him and having worked with him for 9 years (9 years! Holy cow!) I know what he can be like. 

ANYWAY, enough out of the venting corner! I am officially PUPO! For those of you who don't know what PUPO means it is 'Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise'. And I am feeling good. We have a beautiful perfect little 8 cell emby onboard (nice even cells too) and the rest are being taken through until Day 5 to see if we can get anything to freeze. Of the 5 remaining we have one that hasn't divided from 2 cells (and isn't likely to), one that is 3 cells (was 2 yesterday so you never know!), one 5, one 7 and one 8 cell (that wasn't as nice as the other one). She thinks there is potential for the 5, 7 and 8 cell to become blastocysts so please keep your fingers crossed! The way my clinic operates is that they don't do a freeze all. They used to but found they would be freezing embryos they pretty much knew wouldn't become a pregnancy so they now only freeze those that they consider 'viable' as to avoid putting woman through transfer after transfer with embies that they don't feel are ever going to create a baby and end up putting the woman through so much unnecessary disppointment and grief. So please pray for mine to become nice and strong and viable!

As for this little one, transfer went very smoothly. My FS was the one who did transfer (don't you just hate having to have a full bladder! Soooo uncomfortable being in such a precarious position and busting to go to the loo!) and as we left he said to the HG that it was looking really good this time. So I'm going to hold onto that! We went to lunch at my favourite pub and then I came home a blobbed on the couch for a few hours and watched 'When in Rome' and 'Valentine's Day'. 

So, as of right now I am feeling relaxed and positive but watch this space . . . let's see how long that lasts! D-day is Monday 25th October.

Wow, 3 blog entries in one day! Is that a record?!

TRANSFER

Just had a call from the embryologist saying we are having transfer today. We have one great looking 8 cell embryo but the rest aren't looking so great. I'm pretty disappointed (ok, more than a little upset) but trying to hold it together as I don't want to ruin my 2WW by being distraught at having no frosties again. They will culture them on until Day 5 and see how they go but it's not looking good. I really hoped this cycle would be better than the last and the fact this could be our last chance weighs very heavily on my mind (due to the financial cost of IVF and the fact we don't know where we would get the money to try again). I plan to give this little embie everything I've got though and it only takes one right?

I really need some encouragement right now!

WAITING

The worst part of all this is the waiting. Waiting to see how you are responding to the drugs, waiting to see how many eggs you'll get, waiting to see how many fertilise, waiting to see if they will develop, waiting to see if you have a good embryo to replace, waiting to find out if any made it to the freezer, waiting to see if you're pregnant. I'm surprised we aren't nervous wrecks by the end of it all (hmm . . . actually, we probably are!). It's the waiting that does my head in! Right now I am at work and waiting to find out if transfer will be today. In some ways I want it to be today just so I can get one safely onboard, but at the same time I know blastocyst transfers have higher success rates. So just sitting here anxiously, waiting . . .

In other news, the HG has been having a bad run of it lately. I forgot to mention that after egg collection we came down to the car to find the battery was flat (I was not impressed!) because he had forgotten to turn off the lights. I guess that is not entirely his fault considering we were late that morning due to traffic and roadworks and on top of the nerves, I was in panic mode by the time we arrived. I guess he can be excused for forgetting. Thankfully his dad came to our rescue. Secondly, he was working on his tractor and trying to wire something up when it all went wrong and the wires burst into flames in his hand. Again, thankfully it could have been much worse and he wasn't left with burns that were too bad. It wasn't the first time he's caught fire and nor will it probably be the last. But guess who got lumped with having to wash all the dishes because he couldn't put his hand in the water . . . (yep, you guessed it!). I swear he sometimes does these things on purpose! Who needs children when you have a husband like that huh!

DAY 2 EMBRYO UPDATE

Good news! All 6 of our embies have divided into 2-4 cells which is right where they should be. Tomorrow morning they will call me with another update - if there is a clear front runner tomorrow then they will get me in for a 3 day transfer tomorrow morning. If there are a few competing for star status then they will let them go to blasty and then do transfer on Saturday.

I'm actually doing pretty good, no pain except a wee bit of stiffness (I was thinking about vacuuming but bugger it - that's what husbands are for right?) and just a bit of anxiety which I would say is completely normal at this stage of the journey. Particularly given this could be our last chance at IVF. I like to think we could afford to do more cycles but the reality is that we may not be able to. So this time has to work! The beauty of it is that I have a great feeling about this cycle which was entirely lacking last time, so I am taking that as a good sign!

So far, so good!

FERTILISATION RESULTS

After bungling my cell phone and accidentally hanging up on the embryologist the first time around this morning, we finally managed to touch base. As suspected, quite a number of my eggs were immature. I figured as much considering the large discrepancy in numbers from what we were told at our scans and what they actually retrieved. So, of our 17 eggs, only 8 were mature and 6 of those have fertilised normally. I can't help but feel a wee bit anxious about having only 6 fertilise compared to the massive 15 we had last time, but I just need to put it into perspective that even though we were told 17 initially, 6 out of 8 is really not so bad. And considering how last cycle turned out . . . 

I can only hope now that our 6 little embies will be strong and go the distance! I'm actually alot more nervous than I thought and prone to anxiety at the moment. I guess this is completely normal and I should just breathe and have faith. I'm feeling totally fine today, was shocked to wake up with no trace of stiffness and cramping and feeling almost 100%. I have booked the entire week off work but I am now considering going tomorrow and Thursday just to take my mind off it all, seems silly to stay home when I feel fine. We'll see. Fingers crossed everyone!

DONE & DUSTED!

First of all, thank you so much for all the support and well wishes! I was shocked to find a whole bunch of messages on my FB fan page from you all and can't even begin to tell you how much I appreciate the support I have had. It means alot to me!

Well, the egg collection is done and dusted and as suspected we got less than last time . . . instead of 18 we only got 17. Really. They reduced my dosage to 75iu and my ovaries still manage to over-achieve! Hopefully the fact we didn't have to coast this time will mean we actually end up with some really strong embies. I fully expect that some of those 17 will be immature as I'm not quite sure how we went from a scan on Saturday that we were given a prediction of just 6 eggs, to actually retrieving 17 eggs (especially when we were told we only had 13 follies total on the scan!). There were actually 18 but due to the amount of pain I was in and the fact that number 18 was tucked in among a whole lot of blood vessels, the FS doing my procedure decided to leave that one right where it was rather than risk internal bleeding (wouldn't that have been fun!). Unfortunately, once again it was a very painful procedure for me but I didn't nearly faint this time which is a slight improvement!

I must confess I had a bit of a cry this afternoon though. Not because I am unhappy with the results but just because I was in so much pain and the underlying stress of a 3rd IVF cycle in 10 months has been taking it's hidden toll on me. I'm feeling alot better now though and think I just needed to let it out after being so strong for so long. I now feel ready for whatever is thrown at us over the coming week and I am just so hopeful that we get some nice looking, non-fragmented embryo's this time and a few to freeze. I admit I am nervous after yielding such a large number again and the risk of OHSS, but one step at a time. First up is the anxious wait for those fertilisation results tomorrow and then we'll go from there. Hopefully they're having a little party in those petri dishes!

WHY LIE?

I just read another blog post which reminded me of something I wanted to write about. Why do some couples lie about how long it has taken them to concieve? I know infertility is a taboo topic but case in point - a friend of mine had mentioned that they had been TTC for over a year with nothing happening. Soon afterwards they became pregnant and had their baby. Fast forward a year and a half and I had just hit the one year mark and was feeling a bit down and lost about it all. So I contacted this person and asked how long it had taken them to concieve hoping for some advice. And they said 'Oh, it only took us a few months, just relax and it'll happen for you'. What?! I knew full well it had taken them longer than 'just a few months' so why lie? Why not be open about the fact it had taken awhile? Were they embarrassed? Do they simply 'forget'? I know I'm not the only one. No wonder infertility remains such a silent topic when some women won't even admit it AFTER the fact. I understand why some people like to keep it private when they are actually experiencing it, but if someone who is struggling themselves reaches out to you, why would you make them feel like they are alone when you know full well what it is like?  Or at least have some idea even if you did manage to concieve on your own eventually? I don't understand. Does anyone have any insight into this?