MAYBE BABY . . . (or maybe the loony bin?)

BLOGGY BREAK

2012-01-26T08:33:00.000+13:00

Really this is what I have already been doing but I feel I need to actually put it in words - I am on a bloggy break but I do plan to be back! Thank you for all your lovely words of encouragement regarding my last post. I have decided that I will carry on writing on this blog, however I will change the name of my blog and give it a new look and then if you would like to continue to read and follow me you can, if you choose not to then I completely understand too! I am going to wait until I am back to working a 4 day week before I tackle this though, as right about now I am a very busy girl working full time and will try and adopt my day off as a good time to write new blog entries and pick up where I left off.

Thank you all for your ongoing support!

TRYING TO FIND A PLACE IN THE BLOGGING WORLD

2012-01-20T08:07:00.000+13:00

This blog started out as an infertility blog and inevitably as I got pregnant it became a pregnancy blog and now that I have my son, it is more of a parenting blog. But I feel like I am a bit lost when it comes to writing here these days, so I write less and less and struggle to find topics to write about that aren't drivel, especially knowing who my original audience are. I feel lost in the blogging world and I'm not sure whether to continue on with this blog or to put it to bed. I know the more you write, the more people will follow. Do I just do a monthly update of where life is at? Do I just write when it tickles my fancy (even if they are weeks apart)? Or do I just put it to bed? Thoughts?

TIME FOR CHANGE

2012-01-01T20:48:00.000+13:00

At the beginning of every new year we always make a big list of all the things we want to achieve. I didn't really care about anything in the last few except in achieving my dream of having a baby. And here I am on the 1st January 2012 and my little prince is sound asleep in his cot (at least I hope he is!) and I have a clean slate in front of me for the first time in a very long time that doesn't include 'Get pregnant. Have a baby'. I am blessed.

So this year I simply endeavour to be the best mum and wife that I can be. To lose the baby weight and revamp my wardrobe. To wear high heels. To be a great friend. To drink less coffee (yeah right!).

And in the spirit of a new year and new beginnings, I have decided to do a little blog makeover in the coming weeks. Watch this space!

Now to go and re-settle my not so sound asleep baby!

Happy New Year to you all and best wishes for 2012!

COHEN'S FIRST CHRISTMAS (IN PHOTOS!)

2011-12-29T20:33:00.002+13:00

Milk and chocolate truffles for Santa!

Santa brought Cohen his first fishing rod!

Opening pressies on Christmas morning.

What?! More pressies?!

Spoilt!

Happy chappy, feeling like a big boy in his new shoes!

In his happy place, the Jolly Jumper!

Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and wishing you all a happy New Year!

May all your wishes come true.

Thank you for all your support and see you in 2012!

Love Haidee & Cohen xox

WEIGHTY ISSUES

2011-12-14T12:06:00.000+13:00

During pregnancy your body changes. For the most part, once that bump starts to take shape we embrace and love the changes taking place as our body expands and grows this perfect little human.

Fast forward 9 months and after giving birth you are left with a body shape that is somewhat different to what it once was. I found while going through the IVF process that I gained about 5kg above and beyond what I was when we decided to start TTC. Add to that the 9kg I gained while pregnant and I have quite a bit to lose to get back to the me I once was. So far I have lost 7kg but I can't budge the rest of it. For some reason I thought it would be easier than it is proving to be. I eat like a sparrow and yet nothing gives. In fact, I have actually gained back a kilo I lost in the last few weeks. Of course, Christmas being just around the corner certainly doesn't help!

So, what I want to know from those ladies who have been there, what is a realistic time frame to lose the baby weight? And do you ever go back to what you once were? Any tips?

HOW DO YOU DO IT?

2011-12-13T10:33:00.002+13:00

I feel like I might quite possibly burn out working full time and attending to a baby that is no longer sleeping through the night. Cohen has decided to start waking up several times a night and has done so pretty much since I returned to work (it started a couple of weeks beforehand so don't think they're connected). 14 weeks of uninterrupted sleep and now this. First week I thought it was a phase or growth spurt. Now it's been going on for about a month and it's getting worse. I feel a bit like I have a newborn again!

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT (ANOTHER MYTH?)

2011-12-11T10:28:00.003+13:00

I love this little man you see here with all my heart. But it wasn't the instant intense love you might imagine it to be. That may surprise many of you and like a blog post that I wrote a few months ago regarding what I considered to be the myth of breastfeeding coming 'naturally' (which for some very lucky women it does, but for most of us it takes a lot of hard work and learning on both sides and in some cases like mine, you get to a point where it just ain't happening and you choose to go down another path) the whole love at first sight when your baby is handed to you isn't always the case. Don't get me wrong, I loved him but it took me a good 6 weeks to look at him and really feel my heart swell with love. And for some it takes even longer than that. I think it is especially hard after infertility to admit that that love takes time to build up because there is so much pressure to be the perfect mother to this little baby that you have battled for so long to hold. I felt so guilty at times that I was finding this motherhood gig harder than I felt I should be. You don't want to admit that after 3 years of trying and countless medical procedures and IVF cycles to get this precious wee baby, that you aren't always enjoying the experience of first time motherhood. That it's actually hard work. That the sleep deprivation is killing you. But by the time he was 6 weeks old, I finally had that moment. He was snuggled against my chest sleeping while I watched TV and I just felt this wash of love come over me and I knew then what it feels like to truly be in love and awe of your child.

The reason I am writing this is because after I spoke to other women about this, I found that many IVF mums (or mums who had battled infertility regardless of how you managed to conceive in the end) were going through postnatal depression because they felt they couldn't admit that they found motherhood to be harder than they thought because they felt people would look down on them. They also put alot of pressure on themselves to be the perfect mother and then things don't go according to plan and they feel like a failure. Or they have their baby and then feel like they're a bad mother for not falling instantly head over heels in love with this baby that they have only just met. And no one wants to talk about it. So I decided I wanted to write a blog post just to say that sometimes it takes time to get to know this little person who you just welcomed into the world. You're not always going to be the perfect mother. And just because you battled so hard to get pregnant, does not mean that you can't confess to how hard you are finding it and ask for help. And eventually you will look at your child and feel the way you always felt you would feel when they were born.

It isn't always love at first sight and that's ok.

FEELING REJECTED

2011-11-24T21:28:00.001+13:00

I know this sounds completely melodramatic, but I feel like Cohen doesn't love me anymore. When I go to pick him up from my mother-in-law on the days I'm working, he completely ignores me and avoids my gaze by turning his head any which way as long as he's not looking at me. He gives my mother-in-law and father-in-law these huge smiles but deliberately won't smile at me and it's like this for about 2 hours after I pick him up. It feels like I lose that connection with him and have to work really hard to get it back. I know that it is good that he loves being with her and is really happy but I thought he would at least be happy to see me when I came to collect him, but instead it's like he is oblivious to my presence or ignoring me. Has anyone else experienced this when they have returned to work? I feel a bit down about it all, especially as things started off so well.

OFFICIALLY A WORKING MUM!

2011-11-19T11:57:00.000+13:00

Well, I survived my first two days at work and now have five days to recover! Although if I'm honest, it actually went swimmingly. Cohen is being doted on hand and foot by Grandma and I get to go to work and have a wee break as well as earn some money. He also gets to grow up having a close relationship with his grandparents like I did as a child which is a wonderful thing. I am very happy with how it all worked out and feel like a huge weight has lifted off my shoulders as I was feeling a wee bit anxious about it all in the lead up. Though when you call your mother-in-law to see how things are going and you can hear your babies raucous giggles in the background, you know you don't have a thing to worry about. The first day I made the HG drop him down as I was worried about tearing up when his little blue eyes watched me walk out the door but the second day I dropped him off myself and as soon as he saw her his little face broke into the biggest smile which made leaving a hell of a whole lot easier! I am only working two days a week until mid December so will be easing back into it over the next few weeks before going back to a four day position (down from five). My work has been absolutely wonderful at accommodating me and being very understanding (which could be surprising because I am the only female in amongst four males and it is usually a female dominated work environment that tend to be more flexible with working mums) so I am forever thankful to them for that.

And here is a photo of him, just because I haven't posted an updated one for awhile!

BACK TO THE REAL WORLD

2011-11-14T12:37:00.000+13:00

I'm back at work on Thursday and I must admit that I am slightly terrified. I always knew I would have to go back to work for financial reasons and I have made peace with that (I figure there is no point on dwelling on something that can't be changed) and even though a small part of me is actually looking forward to having those few days a week back in the world of adults and being able to have some adult conversation again, I am a wee bit scared of leaving Cohen. He is going to my mother-in-laws and I know he will be absolutely fine but I'm having abandonment issues. Or rather, I feel like he might have some abandonment issues. Even though he is only 20 weeks old and therefore probably too young to feel like that, it plays on my mind that he has been with me since the day he was born and now all of a sudden out of nowhere he will be dropped off somewhere else one morning and the world as he knows it will be turned upside down as mummy will be leaving him and not coming back for hours. And hours. And hours. I'm also a teeny tiny bit nervous about getting back into the real world and bursting my happy little baby bubble.

WHERE ARE YOU NOW?

2011-10-24T12:13:00.004+13:00

It is Labour Day in NZ today (which is a public holiday) and this was the day last year that we finally found out that we were going to become parents at long last (officially the date we found out was 25th October which is tomorrow, but this was the public holiday that changed our lives forever). I remember the phone ringing while the HG was outside planting pots of tomatoes (just as a side note, all four plants died before we even got any tomatoes from them! Luckily our parenting of Cohen has been a little better!) and as I was expecting THE call to be on my cell phone and not landline, I was quite relaxed when answering and incredibly anxious when the nurse on the other end announced who she was. I had my response to a BFN all planned out in my head as I was 99% certain it was going to be a negative and was ready to tell the nurse I was ok and I knew that was going to be the result. Dreaming of a response to a positive hadn't really entered my head which is why when she said to me after a long winded introduction of how are you, how has your day been, how are you feeling and finally "Congratulations, your results have come back and you're pregnant" I was completely speechless and didn't take a word of the next few minutes of conversation and instruction for repeat blood tests in. And the minute that phone was put down I burst into a flood of tears and went walking out to the backyard in a daze. I'll never forget the look on the HG's face when he saw me crying and his face dropped as he attempted to comfort me, to which I told him I was in fact, pregnant! And then there were tears from both of us and a fair bit of screaming.

And now we have our little cheeker (the HG's nickname for him because he's such a cheeky baby!)

I just read back on my blog entry from last year (you can read it here) and very teary eyed read through all the beautiful comments I received to my news. I have had so much amazing support to my journey and I would love to know where you are now in your own journey's to motherhood or life in general? There were many woman who commented on my BFP post and those that came before, who don't have blogs but were in the midst of IVF cycles at the time or had been TTC for awhile and I really hope you got your BFP and are living happily ever after. I would love to hear from some of my followers and see where you are all at in your lives now a year later . . . I know that many of you would have drifted off as my blog evolved with my pregnancy and now mummyhood, which I completely understand, but if you do happen to read this, please drop me a comment and let me know how you are getting on and if you have a blog, let me know the link so I can continue to follow your journey. xox

SUCCESS!

2011-10-20T21:28:00.000+13:00

So after all my worry about the sleeping issue, I basically decided the other night was the night to try putting him to bed in his own room. I geared up and was preparing for an unsettled evening but he went down without a single problem! I couldn't believe it! After all that, he just went to sleep. Little monkey. There was a wee bit of grizzling and I actually sat on the couch and read Hairy Maclary to him so he could hear my voice. Last night I read Brambley Hedge and tonight I just put him in his bassinet wide awake and walked out and he went straight to sleep! Didn't even hear a peep out of him. So proud of my little man! The scariest part was leaving him all alone in his room instead of wheeling him in with me. It took a bit of talking into by the HG as I wasn't overly keen on leaving him there alone but given it's right next door to our bedroom, the HG basically dragged me to bed and wouldn't allow it. I thought I would be waking up half the night and rushing in to check on him but I didn't wake up until I heard him talking to himself on the baby monitor at 6.30am the next morning! Next challenge: moving him into his actual cot. Eek!

THIS TIME LAST YEAR

2011-10-14T21:12:00.002+13:00

Today I have been having extra special snuggles with my baby boy and telling him how lucky we are to have him in our lives, and how this time last year we had been sitting in this lounge room and hoping and praying that the little embryo tucked up inside that had been transferred that morning would stick. What a difference a year makes.

SLEEPING ARRANGEMENTS

2011-10-10T21:19:00.000+13:00

I've dug a mega-sized hole for myself and I'm hoping someone can help dig me out of it!

Cohen has been sleeping in his bassinet beside me in our room since he came home. We have a routine where he goes to bed at 7.30pm, so at about 7pm I wheel the bassinet into the lounge, turn out the lights, change his nappy, swaddle him and then give him his last bottle before popping him into bed, tucking him in and popping his dummy in his mouth (sometimes he sucks on it and sometimes he spits it out). He'll quite happily lie there and self settle himself to sleep (with the occasional grizzle but generally he just drifts off). We have had this routine for about 7 weeks now and when I go to bed he gets wheeled in with me.

The problem is, if I deflect from this routine at all, all hell breaks loose. For example, the other night I wanted to read so once he'd drifted off to sleep I wheeled him into our room earlier than usual so I could turn on the light in the lounge. 10 minutes later he was crying, so I went in and popped his dummy back in, turned on the night light on his monitor, set it to lullaby mode, watched the eyes drift back closed and walked out. Then the crying started again. Repeat as before. Crying. Turn on lamp. Crying. Wheel him back into the lounge. Silence. Crap! The same thing happened last night but this time I decided to pop a blanket over his bassinet to keep it dark while I turned on the light. 10 minutes later the crying started and we had the same issue as the night I decided to wheel him into our room, so I gave in and turned the light back off and removed the blanket. Silence.

It seems he is so used to being in the lounge with us when he goes to bed that any change from that routine he freaks out. He's used to our voices, the flickering lights of the TV and the background noise.

The problem is that he is starting to get a bit big for his bassinet and I'm going to need to move him into his cot. Which is in the nursery. Which is NOT the lounge. Aside from the fact that I am freaking out about putting him in his own room in the first place, how can I rectify this problem and get him to go to sleep in his own room at night when he is so stuck in his ways? He obviously cannot stay in the lounge with mum and dad forever! Any tips? And at what stage should I think about weaning him out of the swaddle? He's 15 weeks old.

APOLOGIES

2011-10-07T22:06:00.000+13:00

Once again, I must apologise for having been absent for such a long stretch! I won't make excuses, I just haven't felt inspired to write a blog entry (and to be fair I have been sick as a dog with the cold from hell which hasn't helped my brain function). I thought I would come and update you on where I am at with the breastfeeding dilemma though. I decided to make some changes to the timing of my expressing rather than quit and I am feeling so much better about it and less stressed. Basically I brought forward my nightly express to 8.30pm instead of waiting until 9.30pm which is when I want to go to bed. The resentment of expressing cutting into my much needed sleep time has disappeared and I'm much more relaxed now. At the moment I am only expressing twice a day but once I get over this cold (8 days and counting!) and have some energy back I hope to add the afternoon pump back in. I also think I will at least attempt to carry on expressing once I return to work but not actually do it at work - I'll get up at 5am to get ready and slot an express in and then I'll drop Cohen off to grandma's and then do an express that night once he is in bed. At least, that is the plan! Not sure how that will pan out in reality, 5am DOES seem pretty early! But I'm sure my body will adjust.

As for everything else, Cohen is 15 weeks old on Monday and he is getting heavy! He is now 5.8kg and 61cm long. My arms are certainly getting a workout! The aches have come back in one arm though which doesn't help but this time I know what caused it - an excess of tennis on the Wii! I'm attempting to lose some of this baby weight so I can fit back into my work clothes but obviously I overdid it! Maybe it would be best to stick with the eating chocolate on the couch idea instead . . .

Here is Cohen in a photo taken today - he has currently decided that sleep is overrated and this was his response when I asked him why he was still awake. Cheeky monkey.

WHAT TO DO?

2011-09-11T12:46:00.001+12:00

I'm trying to come to the decision on when to stop breast feeding. Or in my case, when to stop expressing. I go back to work in November and always said I would stop expressing by then because we don't have anywhere private at work that I can express during the day and I feel a bit uncomfortable with the idea of expressing at work anyway. Plus, with returning to work I want to spend that quality time with Cohen in the evenings and not be attached to a breast pump. But then I remember the benefits of breast milk and I feel guilty about stopping. Especially since my milk has settled in now and I have a great supply. I just don't know what to do! I was planning to carry on expressing until he is 16 weeks old which would give me a couple of weeks to ease off before returning to work but I don't want to look back and wish I'd made the effort to carry on for longer. There is also the fact that breastfeeding can lower the risk of breast cancer and with my mum having died from breast cancer at the young age of 43, I wonder if I should keep going as long as possible. But then she breastfed me and it made no difference. Decisions, decisions! Do you think the main benefits of breast milk would have been had by 16 weeks? Advice please!

WORDLESS WEDNESDAY (ON THURSDAY!)

2011-09-08T12:30:00.001+12:00

I didn't get around to posting this yesterday but since it IS technically still Wednesday on the other side of the world then I figure I can get away with it!

MOVING BEYOND INFERTILITY

2011-08-25T18:54:00.003+12:00

Now that Cohen is here is I have started to realise how much of myself was stolen during my battle with infertility. I guess it wasn’t so much stolen as that I allowed myself to lose it. Before infertility I was a confident woman who loved to get out and about, experimented with fashion, always made an effort to look after myself and make sure my hair was done nicely, took the time to play with my make up, wore heels. After infertility entered my life I let all those things slide.

Marie Claire was switched for the guilty pleasure of sneakily buying and reading Cosmopolitan Pregnancy. That was in the first year. The second year I started taking the fertility drugs and the weight started to pile on. We all know that fertility drugs have the sad side effect of weight gain and in my 3 years of treatment I gained a total of 6 kilos more than I was on the day we decided to start trying for a baby. Back when we thought it would be easy. All of a sudden I no longer made the effort to dress nicely or worry about how I looked because I wasn’t happy with my figure. I stopped wearing heels. My wardrobe consisted of about 5 different outfits I mixed and matched and I never brought new clothes because I kept thinking ‘Hopefully I’ll be pregnant soon and then I won’t fit it so it would be a waste of money’. 3 years later and I was still wearing the same old outfits again and again and again. Not to mention I couldn’t afford to buy clothes because all my spare money went into acupuncture and Chinese herbs in a last ditch effort to conceive naturally before moving onto IVF. And then even while I was doing IVF I would carry on spending money on acupuncture because I was too scared to stop in case ‘this’ was the magic cure. What if I stopped acupuncture (which by the way I spent far too much money on over the course of two years and saw me out of pocket about $74.00 a fortnight) and then my IVF cycle failed – would I look back and think if only I’d carried on with it then it may have worked? I wasn’t willing to take the risk. It wasn’t just my looks that I let slide either.

I’m not sure if it started when my mum died or when I realized I was having problems conceiving and it wasn’t going to be a quick fix, or if it was a combination of both, but all of a sudden I lost all confidence and I started to have silly little phobias that grew more and more every day. I wouldn’t walk anywhere because I was terrified of coming across a stray dog and being attacked. It started because there were a couple of stray pitbulls around the neighbourhood and I had one approach me one day and it gave me a huge fright. It got to the point I was too scared to go out to my mailbox in case one was lurking around the side of the fence. I didn’t want to catch the bus home from the train station because I was worried about walking from the bus stop to my front door (which was only a 2 minute walk across the road) in case the pitbull was lurking around. I didn’t have my license and I was too scared to get it because I had this absurd fear I would crash the car and I was just terrified of the idea of driving and had all these scenarios in my head of what might happen to the point I would psyche myself out. When I finally did get it I would map out the easiest route in my head to get from A to B and even then I was too scared to drive so I barely went anywhere and had my license for a good year and a half before I actually started to drive anywhere alone (and this wasn’t until I got pregnant which is when my confidence started to come back). It’s like infertility robbed me. I felt like a failure for not being able to get pregnant and lost all the confidence I once had in my abilities. A plane flew over our house one afternoon and it was extremely low and loud and gave both the HG and I a hell of a fright as it literally shook the house, but for weeks after that every time a plane flew overhead I would have an anxiety attack and think it was going to crash into the house. It was ridiculous. The internet became my refuge because I could have a social life without having to go anywhere. Going to new places was another fear – if I was told to meet someone somewhere I had never been before I would ask them to wait outside as I would be too nervous to enter the place on my own in case I couldn’t see them and I’d look like an idiot just standing there.

This is the same girl who at 19 years old hopped on a plane and went to the USA to work on a summer camp without knowing anyone. Who then went from there all by herself on a bus to NYC and stayed in a hostel and did the whole tourist gig alone and made friends along the way. Who hopped on a plane again alone at 23 to go to Europe and do a Contiki tour. And all of a sudden I was too scared to even go down the road to a place I’d never been to before. Infertility changes you. You go from this person who you look back and barely recognise, to someone else entirely whose only focus is to have a baby. That goal becomes your whole life and takes over everything and you lose the person you once were amid the uncertainty and heartache of broken dreams.

The HG ended up having a break down during this phase of our life and suffering from anxiety. I got caught up in phobias.

Now I have my son I am working at regaining that confidence and getting back the girl I used to be and trying to move forward beyond infertility. I am not defined by my infertility but there were times in those 3 years that I forgot that.

8 WEEKS OLD (ALREADY!)

2011-08-21T21:58:00.003+12:00

I don't know where my little newborn baby has gone! The time has flown by in a blur and tomorrow C will be 8 weeks old. I was fortunate enough to be able to travel 5 hours up the country for some time at my Nana's house arriving home last Sunday which is one of the reasons I've been so quiet. C and I had a fabulous time and just being able to have a break away and a helping hand was amazing! I came away feeling healthier (given I had a nutritious breakfast, lunch and dinner prepared for me and not living on muesli bars and quick fix food it's hardly surprising!) and the break gave my arms a chance to relieve themselves and I'm no longer living in pain, so I'm guessing it may have just been RSI after all (thank goodness!). I must admit though that it's been a bit if a shock to the system to come home and have to manage all on my own again while the HG is at work! I was starting to get used to the extra pair of hands after 7 days away!

Not much else to report, the days and weeks are flying by and in no time at all my maternity leave will be up and I'll be back at work which I am not looking forward to at all, but I know it's necessary so I'm trying not to dwell on it too much. C now weighs 10lb2oz so is getting chubbier as you can see from the photos above. Starting to get some gummy smiles and coos now and he is so much more alert, can't quite believe how quickly he's growing up!

CHRONIC JOINT ACHES & PAINS (HELP!)

2011-08-05T10:55:00.000+12:00

I need to know whether this is just me or if other woman have experienced post-baby aches and pains in their body as I'm starting to go a little crazy! Last week I started waking up with what I thought was carpal tunnel in my hands - I couldn't pick up my coffee mug by the handle to drink my morning coffee, pour the jug or grip the door handle to turn it for awhile after waking up and had numbness and tingling in my finger tips. Upon googling I concluded I must have carpal tunnel but then in the following few days I started to have aching in my left shoulder, arm and elbow which I thought could be from cradling Cohen while feeding him. It then started in my right arm and now it's in my knees. I have no real idea what is going on but I have been googling wildly looking for answers as I am waking in the middle of the night in so much pain I can't go back to sleep and I'm starting to feel like an old lady with arthritis. Upon returning to Google it looks like it could be the relaxin hormone causing the pain post-pregnancy and it could be connected to breastfeeding but I really have no idea. Pain relief is not doing anything to relieve the aching and it's not fun when it hurts to cradle Cohen to feed him his bottle and the whole time I am wishing he would hurry up because my arm hurts so much and I want to be able to put him down.

Any advice would be so much appreciated and if you have had something similar I would love to know what you did to help it (and to know I'm not the only one!). Could it be an effect of the epidural from my c-section 5 weeks later? I thought maybe RSI but that doesn't explain the knee pain. Luckily I am going away for a week to stay with my Nana (so excited!) and I am hoping the extra help might give my joints a chance to have a break and maybe come right but I'm not holding my breath as the knee pain has thrown another spanner in the works and doesn't make sense that it is from repetitive movement. Can pregnancy trigger the start of things like arthritis?

BLESSED

2011-08-02T08:59:00.003+12:00

I have come to the conclusion that I have been blessed with an easy baby (for now anyway!). At 5 weeks old he is already sleeping through the night, usually from about 9pm - 7am and has been doing this for the last 5 nights in a row. I'm so proud of him! He now weighs 4kg and is growing in leaps and bounds, we even got our first real smile yesterday! So precious.

Very happy mummy!

ONE MONTH OLD TODAY!

2011-07-27T14:03:00.002+12:00

Sorry I have been missing for so long, this mummy business is very time consuming! I love it though! As the blog title states, Cohen is one month old today and despite my fears of not knowing what to do with a baby we seem to have survived our first month together in one piece. It is all still a learning experience for the two of us though, sometimes I seem to get it right and other times I'll be awake for hours in the middle of the night wondering where I've gone wrong or what I'm supposed to be doing with this screaming baby! Luckily these nights seem to be few and far between and generally he's a pretty content little man and a great sleeper (once asleep!). I do wonder if I am making some trouble for myself though as at a month old I am still allowing him to fall asleep in my arms (generally he'll fall asleep towards the end of a bottle or just after) and not putting him to bed to self settle himself. Is this going to cause me problems later or is he still too young at this point for it to become a problem? Otherwise we are just learning as we go and sometimes that means crying together!

BREASTFEEDING UPDATE

2011-07-17T12:14:00.001+12:00

Thank you all for your comments, suggestions and support on my last blog post. It has been a real eye opener to read and hear about others who have been through the same thing as I have when it comes to breastfeeding and kudos to those who go through it and persevere! It really isn't easy! After having a visit from a lactation consultant who observed that Cohen has a tendency to be a lazy sucker on the boob and hard to latch, I tried a few times independently (with mixed results) before deciding that breastfeeding isn't for me. What should have been an enjoyable bonding time between my son and I was turning into a time of anxiety (me) and impatience and stress (him) so I have decided to continue exclusively pumping and bottle feeding expressed breast milk to him with the occasional bottle of formula thrown in as a top up (rather than waste precious breast milk if he is still fussy after guzzling down 60-100ml of breast milk, I give him 50ml of formula and that way if he only drinks 10ml or decides he's not hungry after all than I am not wasting the good stuff). This is working really well for me and I only have to express three times a day and not at all during the night in order to get enough to last us through. He has gained 400gms in 9 days so clearly I am doing something right! He is a little piglet and I am finding that I am still bonding brilliantly with him regardless of the fact that I am bottle feeding as opposed to having him on the boob - we are still snuggled together and I talk to him and he is happy and content which is important to me. I know that some people who read this blog may frown on my approach but it's working for me and we're both so much happier.

As for everything else, we are learning the art of swaddling and boy what a difference it has made to his sleep pattern through the night! I initially threw the idea out the window as he would scream having his hands tied down but I have since discovered that he is more than happy once he is swaddled and swaddled up nice and snug so he can't escape and I am now getting 4 hour sleep stretches through the night! Yay! It has also helped to actually get out of the house and go for walks with the buggy and get some fresh air.

So all in all, we are doing brilliantly and I am such a proud mumma!

And just because I can't help myself, here is another picture of Cohen - he is already starting to look more like a little boy than a baby!

MY NEWEST CHALLENGE

2011-07-08T21:30:00.002+12:00

Thank you so much for all your lovely words of congratulations! I just had to post this photo of my baby boy in his knitted woollies that his Great Nana knitted for him - so cute!

As for how things are going on the mummy and daddy front . . . well, we are actually managing pretty darn well except for the fact that I am finding breastfeeding to be such a struggle. I never knew how hard it could be and have discovered since Cohen arrived that it is just another one of those 'silent' topics (just like infertility is) that never seems to be spoken about, yet so many woman experience it. It seems I have jumped from one challenge to another. We have latch issues, even with a shield. Maybe because he is so small or maybe he just doesn't like having to make the effort, who knows. I spent 7 days in hospital already trying to master the art of something that I was always led to believe would come naturally. I could never figure out why people gave up so quickly, no one ever actually came out and said that it's because it's so hard! Master C gets so distressed when he isn't getting instant food (he has no patience whatsoever!) and I end up in tears because I feel like I am failing him. At the moment I am exclusively breast pumping and feeding it to him in bottles and supplementing with formula when I absolutely have to. I know it's not ideal and frowned upon but this is what is working for us at the moment. I have a lactation consultant coming to see me on Monday so hopefully we can make more progress then. Other than that, we are surviving on very little sleep (4 hours total last night!) but we're so in love we have no complaints. He truly is our precious little miracle.

INTRODUCING . . .

2011-07-03T21:48:00.000+12:00

I am so proud to introduce to you our dear son Cohen Roy who was born on the 27th June 2011 via c-section arriving at 12.17pm weighing 6lb13oz.

He is just perfect in every way and I am absolutely loving being a mummy and the HG is such a doting daddy! I can't believe he is actually ours!

THE COUNTDOWN IS ON!

2011-06-25T10:30:00.002+12:00

I want to take this opportunity to say a big thank you to you all for the support you have given me over the last 9 months. I can't believe that in this coming week I am going to be a mummy! I'm feeling incredibly emotional at the moment and shed a few tears last night as the day closes in on me. I still feel like I need to pinch myself constantly to make sure that this is really happening. It's amazing how you can go through an entire pregnancy and still find the end result to be so surreal and wonder if you aren't dreaming. But I'm not and he is going to be here very soon! I haven't been sleeping well at all the last few nights and so I am extremely tired and hormonal at the moment but incredibly excited and nervous and a bit apprehensive too. Only apprehensive in the sense of entering into the unknown - what will it be like to have a c-section, how is the recovery going to be, will breastfeeding come easily, will I know what to do with a baby? And then there is the happy tears when I imagine seeing him for the first time. Both the HG and I are so appreciative of all your love and support and can't wait to share the next part of our journey with you - parenthood!

I won't have access to a computer while I am in the hospital to let you know of his arrival BUT I should be able to arrange a birth announcement on my blog FB page and update you all that way (whether written by me or someone else on my behalf in which case you may need to check it occasionally as it won't show up on your feed), so if you haven't already and would like to, you can hit 'like' on the FB page link at the top of this blog post. Keep an eye out ladies, there are only 5 more days of the month and as I said, he will be a June bubba!

The countdown is on!

STILL HERE!

2011-06-21T15:03:00.005+12:00

I'm still here and enjoying my first few days of maternity leave. Ok, to be honest I am just a wee bit bored. I feel like I have taken on the official role of housewife - yesterday I ran around town and did some of the mundane chores that needed doing (car rego, dog rego etc), baked cookies for our last antenatal class (and then proceeded to eat about 5 before we even made it out the door!), watched mind numbingly boring daytime TV and had a nap. Very stimulating stuff! Everyone says I should get as much sleep as I can and nap during the day, but to be honest I am sleeping like a baby at night and going to bed at 10pm and not waking up until 6.15am when the alarm goes off for the HG to go to work, so I have no need to nap during the day as I am not tired in the slightest. Yesterdays nap was purely due to boredom! Hopefully I can start to find something a bit more entertaining to do starting tomorrow!

So what's the latest: Baby is still breech. I had a midwife appointment on Saturday and she was pretty adament that she doesn't think he is going to move. I'm measuring 4 weeks smaller than I actually am (I was 38 weeks yesterday) so he's pretty well squished in there like a sardine. Actually, he has positioned himself like a cannon ball with his bum nestled in my pelvis and his feet up over his head. Hopefully this isn't going to cause problems with his hips later as it can cause hip dysplasia for breech babies to be positioned like this for too long, so hopefully he hasn't been this way the whole time! I also started getting period type pains off and on the last 3 days so keeping an eye on those too but so far they're pretty mild. Next midwife appointment is on Thursday so will keep you posted!

THE NERVES ARE SETTING IN . . .

2011-06-16T07:48:00.000+12:00

We don't have too much longer to go and the nerves are starting to set in a wee bit now which I guess is pretty normal! I FINALLY finish up work tomorrow and then I have 4 and a half months maternity leave up my sleeve, the majority of which I get to enjoy with my little man. I do get a wee bit of pre-baby maternity leave before the big day and I am already starting to make plans for it so I'm not just sitting around home twiddling my thumbs and counting down the days and hours and minutes. I'm hoping to be able to get out and about a bit while I still can and do some cafe dining with friends and enjoy a few afternoon naps! I have a pre-op appointment today with the anesthitist who will be with me during the c-section and then a few more blood tests, a midwife appointment on Saturday and then it will pretty much just be a waiting game.

After not having any braxton hicks since around week 23, I finally had a really strong braxton hick this morning where my whole tummy tightened accompanied by strong period like pain so I think I know what to look out for now should labour decide to start beforehand (I hope not though because that would make his delivery an emergency c-section which would add a whole new dimension to it!). Perhaps I'll avoid walking up and down stairs too much, the same way I am avoiding the raspberry leaf tea! Having said that though, I am really thinking that with 38 weeks a few days away, it might not be a bad idea to put some kind of mattress protector on the bed, just in case! As it is I have a spare change of clothes in my bag on the off chance my waters break while out somewhere! I've heard many stories of this recently so I figure better safe than sorry! I also have my hospital bag all packed complete with the most hideous high waisted undies you have ever seen (thanks to the recommendation of friends who have had a c-sec before!) and 3 pairs of PJ's! Babies bag is packed with some of his cutest (and warmest) outfits, his merino sleeping bag and a special blanket knitted by my Nana. To be honest, it all feels a little surreal and I can't believe that this is happening to me. That I am having a baby. At last. Why does reading that back always make me cry? Needless to say, you can add emotional to the list of how I am feeling.

In amongst my excitement and nerves, some close friends in the IF world have been experiencing heartache. It's horrible and just bloody unfair and I hate it! I just wish that the fertility fairy would wave her magic wand a little more freely. I haven't forgotten them and I just hope that they know that in amongst my joy, I feel sorrow for what they are going through. Infertility really does suck sometimes. Actually, forget the sometimes . . . infertility just plain SUCKS.

THE NURSERY

2011-06-12T14:42:00.000+12:00

37 WEEK BUMP

2011-06-11T14:17:00.000+12:00

WE HAVE A DATE!

2011-06-10T08:05:00.000+12:00

As you may have guessed from this blog title, baby was still breech at our appointment with the specialist yesterday. In fact, not only is he upside down but he's back to front and on an angle too! Why do I have a feeling my son is going to be a handful just like his father was? Haha. So . . . we were given a date for our elective c-section BUT I'm afraid we are keeping it a secret. I know that is annoying (sorry!) but we really want to keep some surprises in store for people since we already know what the sex is. But I can tell you that he will be born in JUNE. That's right, we are having our baby THIS MONTH! So exciting!

We were once again spoken to about the turning procedure and given the ins and outs of it all, but it sounded even worse coming from the specialist than it did from the midwife, so once again we turned that idea down. Turns out that given bubs position, the fact my placenta is at the front and also that my fluid levels are on the lower side of normal (something I didn't know until that appointment) the specialist said he didn't think we would have much success with that anyway. He also said he doesn't think baby will turn on his own, but you never know! I must admit though, I think I would be pretty gutted to turn up to the hospital on the day of our scheduled c-section and find that he had turned and be sent home again! How gutting would that be, going in expecting to meet your baby at last and then being sent home to wait it out!

I'm feeling ok about the idea of a c-section now as I have got used to the idea and have done some research on how we can still make it an excellent birth experience. It's obviously not my ideal outcome but at the end of the day, getting him here safe and sound is the first priority.

Any tips from those who have been there and done that would be very much appreciated though!

26 DAYS TO GO . . .

2011-06-08T07:42:00.002+12:00

We are starting to tick down to the final countdown and my emotions are all over the place. I am excited (which goes without saying), but I am also having frequent bouts of anxiety to go with it. 26 days all of a sudden seems like no time at all! I'm organised but only as organised as one can be without having a clue. Baby boy is still breech (I can still feel his little round head poking out the little ratbag) but I am still holding out hope that he will turn. Although, after reading a bunch of stories on my birth club about tearing during the pushing stage of labour, a c-section suddenly doesn't sound quite so bad! Because I am up in the air where labour is concerned, I'm still feeling quite calm about it. Once I know one way or another which way I will be delivering this baby I am sure the nerves will start to kick in.

As for how I am feeling physically . . . ouch! That about sums it up. I have been so proud of the way my body has held up during this pregnancy but now she's starting to get a bit of wear and tear going on. My hips are my main enemy and I am walking with a constant limp, standing up and sitting down and rolling over in bed are starting to become very painful occupations but I am just enduring it with the knowledge that I don't have much longer and baby boy is getting bigger and stronger by the day.

I never quite understood why women would start getting really impatient about having the baby instead of enjoying the last few weeks and relaxing as much as possible - I think I am starting to become enlightened!

Not to mention I am dying to know what (and who) he looks like!

CHEEKY LITTLE MONKEY

2011-06-02T13:54:00.000+12:00

We had a scan today as I had mentioned to my midwife that I felt I was carrying really small and she booked me in a scan to double check and put my mind at ease (this is why I love my midwife - not only that but she was just let out of hospital yesterday and yet she still arranged this for me AND came into work today just to see us! Now that is dedication).

Anyway, turns out my fears were not founded on anything because baby is measuring 35w2d and I am 35w3d, so spot on!

However . . . we had the unexpected surprise of finding out that our cheeky little monkey has turned and is now breech! This came as a shock because I fully thought he was engaged due to the pain I had been having walking. Because I am only closing in on the 36 week mark there is still time for him to turn back, but I have an appointment at the hospital on Thursday to see if he is still breech. We discussed the option of turning him which I didn't like the sound of at all as the risks just sounded too great, so we have chosen to go for an elective c-section if he doesn't turn on his own.

Fingers crossed he was just having a naughty day and will be head down again within a week!

35 WEEKS

2011-05-30T07:58:00.000+12:00

HOW AM I FEELING: Sore and tired! It's starting to take alot out of me now and I'm pretty exhausted but I'm happy.

WEIGHT GAIN: I shudder to think! The scales are officially broken so I can't weigh myself which is probably a good thing!

CRAVINGS/AVERSIONS: Pies, anything with whipped cream, chocolate, coke . . . do you see a theme going on here? An unhealthy theme?

MOVEMENT: He rolls around in there alot still and I get poked and prodded and sometimes it hurts. I think he's run out of room!

OTHER UPDATES: It's back to work for me today and I already hurt! Isn't it funny how when you're lounging around at home the aches and pains disappear and the moment you step out the door they come back?! I have 3 weeks of work left to endure and I was actually looking forward to coming back (as I previously mentioned) but now I just hope they go by pretty quickly and painlessly! The nursery is all set up now and it's down to the last bits and bobs to acquire. Bubs hospital bag is packed and ready and I need to buy a bag so I can actually pack mine! I was supposed to have it done by now, especially after getting the phone call to say a friend of mine who was due just 10 days ahead of me had her precious baby girl last Wednesday! Yikes! Life is busy juggling antenatal classes, midwife appointments and breastfeeding classes and is about to get a whole lot busier!

Only 35 days to go.

Am I freaking out yet? You betcha!

SPOILT BUBBA!

2011-05-27T12:43:00.000+12:00

Here are a few photos of just how spoilt our little boy was at my baby shower!

SORRY!

2011-05-26T16:04:00.000+12:00

Sorry for being so quiet for so long! Everything is fine, I haven't gone into premature labour or anything, I've just had a stupid cold which started last Friday and really kicked in on Monday and resulted in me taking the last 4 days off work. Im going slightly stir crazy with being stuck at home in isolation. If it was up to me I would have been back at work on Wednesday, but my work have informed me in no uncertain terms every day this week that I was not to go in as they don't want to get sick. So I planned to return tomorrow and just had a phone call to say I was to stay home AGAIN. Even though I actually feel pretty ok now. I don't know how some woman take off up to 6 weeks in advance for their maternity leave! I would go mad with boredom.

Anyway, so I've actually been sick and I had my baby shower on the weekend too which kept me busy. This baby was sooooo super spoilt! He got so many clothes, wraps, blankets, baby products, teddy bears and everything else cute and cuddly that it was overwhelming. I will post some photos soon of what I was given once I organise them into a photo shoot for you all before I put them away. That was the plan for the weekend but maybe I'll start that tomorrow since I am on forced home lockdown. I will also get some photos of the nursery taken just as soon as I have all my wall hangings up! Thanks for your patience on this, I'm a perfectionist and so didn't want to show photos of the nursery until it is totally finished. I promise they will be up next week!

In the meantime, here is my 34 week baby bump photo . . . do I look as huge as I feel?!

2011-05-19T13:32:00.007+12:00

CLICK HERE to join in the fun!

I just want to say a HUGE thank you to those who have participated and to ALL my readers and virtual friends who I have met on this journey. I feel that my life has been changed by the road I have travelled to get to mummyhood, but when I look back I also think that that road (as painful as it was) has made me who I am today and I have been so blessed with so many great friends who I never would have met if it wasn't for IF. So THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for embracing me and supporting me.

I promise I will reply to each and every one of you who has participated but I'm afraid it will be spread throughout the day as I am stuck at work! I hope you all enjoy munching on the goodies and going goo goo over all the adorable baby things! And I promise I'll try not to cry too much but tears are inevitable! I am still in slight disbelief that this is REALLY happening and still get teary every time I step in the nursery. We are just so excited that in just a few weeks we are going to be holding such a precious bundle in our arms and I look forward to sharing this next stage of my journey with you all. xox

VIRTUAL BABY SHOWER REMINDER

2011-05-18T14:32:00.000+12:00

Please click here to read the update on Athena's blog regarding my virtual baby shower tomorrow!

I'm so excited for it and I have my (non-virtual) baby shower on Sunday and I'm super excited for that too! The fridge is loaded up with sparkly wine (for the guests of course, just sparkly grape juice for me!) plus lots of yummy food and some blue and white balloons to blow up and decorate with. My Nana and two Aunts are travelling 5 hours to be there and I can't wait to have some 'girly' time with them as well. We'll be doing the traditional games too so hopefully I'll have some fun photos to share with you all next week and of course, photos of the nursery!

I can't believe how quickly time is starting to fly now, he's going to be here in no time!

INFERTILITY NEVER LEAVES US

2011-05-16T13:38:00.000+12:00

On Saturday I spent the day putting the nursery together (at last!). The painting was finished, the cot was up (after a fun Friday night where things didn't go quite according to plan and we had to take it apart and put it back together a couple of times to get it right! Much to the HG's annoyance but honestly, the instructions SUCKED) and the other furniture that had been taking up residence in the lounge got moved in. I pulled out the little clothes and sorted them out, I loaded up the cubbyholes in the change table with wipes and nappies and baby talcum powder, I attached the cot mobile to the cot, put the teddy bears on display . . . and then I promptly burst into tears. I just couldn't believe here I was in MY house, setting up MY nursery for MY son. Infertility never leaves us. I may be pregnant now but the pain of what I have gone through the past 3 years will never be forgotten and I will never take for granted how lucky I am to be having a baby in just 7 short weeks.

OUR FIRST ANTENATAL CLASS

2011-05-11T12:53:00.001+12:00

So, the HG and I had our first ever antenatal class on Monday night and we went into it thinking we had a pretty good grasp on things . . . that was until we realised that we really didn't! The HG spent the whole class whispering to me 'Did you know that?' and me whispering back 'No, did you?'.

Our classes run every Monday night for 2 hours and the first one was what they call the 'basics' - nappies (cloth, disposable, reuseable), preventing flat heads, making up the bassinet/cot, bathing. I had no idea that you weren't supposed to use soap on a newborn (why then are there so many advertised!), that babies shouldn't sleep flat on their backs as they'll get a flat head, that there were so many flash modern reuseable nappies available, that you shouldn't use a plastic bassinet or cot cover and should just use a woolen one, that babies don't know their hands and arms belong to them and should be swaddled as they have a tendency to hit themselves in the head and wake themselves up . . . the list goes on! All in all we found the class to be very informative and amusing. I think we are very lucky in that we have a class that is run by someone with a great sense of humour who doesn't go on and on and on about the same things and is in no way boring. I have heard nightmare stories from friends, so this is a blessing. We got handed out cloth nappies and told to fold along with her and I got a nudge towards the end from the HG who upon receiving his cloth nappy had immediately folded it into a triangle and declared he was done and then when he was asked to follow instructions got completely lost and while the rest of us had our nappies folded to perfection he was still trying to figure out the first two folds. The poor boy! This is going to be a fun journey! And an amusing one for my blog readers!

We have 8 couples in our class but no one spoke to one another - it was one of those awkward times where everyone kind of sizes each other up but everyone is too shy to say anything. Hopefully next class will be a bit better because if these ladies are going to form my coffee group we really need to get to know one another! They're all around our age though which is great.

Anyway, next class we are watching the baby come out through a plastic cervix - JOY!

32 WEEKS

2011-05-09T07:46:00.002+12:00

HOW AM I FEELING: I'd like to say I am still feeling wonderful and glowing with good health but unfortunately I think the third trimester aches and pains are starting to set in a wee bit. No complaints though because the longer he cooks and the bigger I get, the healthier he'll be! But I wish it was easier to put on my socks and get dressed in the morning, all those awkward angles to get legs in pants and socks on feet are a bit painful!

WEIGHT GAIN: Got the scales working again and I'm verging on 10kg. Oops!

CRAVINGS/AVERSIONS: Pretty much anything that is greasy and unhealthy! Hence the 10kg weight gain.

MOVEMENT: Still lots and lots of movement going on! The cat has taken to sleeping on my tummy alot lately and when he gets on there and starts purring the baby must feel the vibrations because he goes crazy kicking the cat really hard. The cat doesn't seem overly concerned though and stays put.

OTHER UPDATES: Drum roll please . . . the nursery is nearly finished! One more coat on the blue and we're ready to move in! Yesterday we put together the toy box and the change table and managed to do so without yelling at one another. Progress! I don't know what your partners/husbands are like but mine can be pretty impatient with this kind of thing, so I stuck with reading the instructions and let him put it together (which he he did like a pro, I was most impressed!). Only problem is that the change table (which is actually a set of drawers and cubbyholes and you just put a change mat on top) was missing a few crucial bits for the drawers . . . hopefully I get those in the post ASAP so we can finish it. The house currently looks like the store room of a furniture shop and it's driving me crazy!

UPCOMING MILESTONES: We start our antenatal classes tonight and I'm really excited. I desperately NEED these classes as right now I just feel clueless. It will certainly be interesting!

Only 56 days to go!

VIRTUAL BABY SHOWER

2011-05-02T13:46:00.005+12:00

I'm so excited!

My dear friend Athena is throwing me a virtual baby shower and you are all invited to attend! Just pop over to Athena's blog 'A Field of Dreams' via this link Haidee's Virtual Baby Shower to get the details.

Thanks Athena!

31 WEEKS (& LATEST BUMP PIC)

2011-05-01T11:38:00.002+12:00

HOW AM I FEELING: Still feeling pretty darn great actually! I found out at my latest midwife appointment that I have low iron reserves which explains the tiredness and mild headaches that were starting to slide in, but I started on iron tablets and got some more pregnancy multis and have felt better since then. My bump is still manageable and not so big it's getting in my way and I'm still sleeping well. Even managed to paint my toenails yesterday! Granted it was a bit uncomfortable and awkward, but I did it!

WEIGHT GAIN: I have no idea! The scales ran out of batteries (conveniently!) and I haven't replaced them. I've decided not to bother weighing myself anymore and just try and be good on the food front (ok, good most of the time . . . )

CRAVINGS/AVERSIONS:Marshmallow easter eggs. Mmmm.

MOVEMENT: He's started getting squirmier again, especially at night when I go to bed and in the mornings when I wake up. In fact he's kicking about right now!

OTHER UPDATES: Nope, the nursery is still not finished! One more coat of paint needed on the walls and we're done! But then I still have to wait for the HG to put all the furniture together for me and the weather has been too nice this weekend so I've barely seen him. Grr.

UPCOMING MILESTONES: We start our antenatal classes next Monday and I have my baby shower coming up on the 22nd May. I'm super excited for it, I've always wanted one complete with all the silly games and I can't wait! Also, only 7 more weeks of work to go and counting!

30w6d bump

TAKING THE GAMBLE

2011-04-29T08:26:00.000+12:00

Wow, thank you so much for all your insightful comments to my last blog entry! I didn't realise it was one of those topics that affected so many of us. I can't help but feel that it's really unfair that we have to even MAKE this decision. Why can't we just decide in two years time to have another child and BOOM, pregnant. If only it were that simple.

I spoke to the HG about it last night and we contemplated what our specialist had told us. And it turns out we both have the same feelings on the topic. Yes, we would love to have a second child BUT we would be happy with one. And therefore we will wait until he is at least a year old before we jump back on the TTC bandwagon and prevent until then. It seems crazy to me to contemplate birth control again after all this time but . . . another pregnancy straight after the first one just wouldn't be what is right for our family. Is that selfish? I want to be able to treasure this first year with my son before throwing another pregnancy/baby into the mix and if we already feel blessed (which believe me, we do!) with just having one, then I think this is the road for us.

So, we will take the gamble and see where it leads us . . .

GETTING AHEAD OF MYSELF

2011-04-27T13:09:00.003+12:00

We went to the in-laws for an Easter Sunday roast pork lunch on the weekend and while I was chatting in the kitchen with my mother-in-law (while the boys were watching sports on TV - surprise, surprise!) the conversation turned to whether we were planning to prevent another pregnancy after this baby is born or whether we will just wait and see what happens.

My FS told the HG and I that if we wanted to have a second child then we should forget our preconceived ideas of what we would LIKE the gap between children to be and start trying immediately after the baby is born as the first 3-6 months would be the window of opportunity while we are super fertile and if we decide to wait then we may end up with just the one child. We do have one embryo in the freezer but whether that will even defrost we have no idea. I know I'm getting ahead of myself even thinking about this but it's been a topic of conversation on the forums I frequent lately and many people have been asking me, so it's got me thinking. Before I knew IF would be an issue I always wanted at LEAST 2 - 3 year gaps between children. I couldn't fathom the idea of two under 2! But what happens if we don't take his advice and then we can't have another child? Will we look back with regret? Another IVF cycle is not an option so it's either the successful FET or a natural (immaculate?) conception.

What would you do?

IT'S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN . . .

2011-04-26T12:39:00.002+12:00

Yesterday I hit the 30 week mark! I am down to the last quarter and the final countdown until my little miracle is in my arms. My ticker is now counting down in single digit weeks instead of double! Woohoo! I'm both excited AND terrified. The littlest things are currently causing anxiety and I think it's my perfectionist tendencies that are haunting me as I feel like everything has to be just perfect before he arrives and of course, there is only so much you can do to prepare and the rest you just have to take as it comes. I find myself lying awake at night worrying that I have too many 0000 (newborn) clothes, that the rail in the nursery that seperates the blue paint from the white was placed too high and the pictures will look funny when hung on the wall, that we don't have the mattress yet, that I haven't packed my hospital bag, that we have a credit card to pay off, that I have NO IDEA what to do with a baby . . . I think I just need to take a deep breath and put those things to the back of my mind!

In brighter news, the baby is back to his usual squirmy self after a few quiet days last week and I have another midwife appointment tonight so looking forward to hearing his little heartbeat again and checking he's still head down. I told the HG the other night that apparently if you rest you head on the pregnant belly at this stage you can sometimes hear the heartbeat. The HG was very enthusiastic about this prospect and did as instructed only to promptly get a big boot in the head which gave him a hell of a fright! He didn't hear a heartbeat though. Hehe.

To finish up I just want to give a shout out to my dear friend Ants at Making Baby Giraffes who is getting her BT results from her first FET after her first IVF cycle today. Please keep your fingers crossed for her!

ATTACK OF THE ANXIETY MONSTER

2011-04-23T18:14:00.000+12:00

Since it's Easter I thought I would try and save myself some money and go in search of a few bit and bobs that I still needed to buy in the 'Essentials for baby' column by going while I knew there would be sales on. So off I went to one of the big department stores in search of some merino wool bodysuits so that my son will be cosy and warm during what is usually a very cold Wellington winter. First I had to find out WHAT a bodysuit actually was and once that was established I was off. I found my way to the baby section and there were literally about 6 different types and brands of merino wool to choose from - 100% merino (super expensive), merino/nylon mixes, merino/polyester, merino/cotton . . . the list went on and the prices fluctuated too. I went back and forth between the many racks of these items until I started to get really anxious about it. I had no idea which was the best one to get. I was going around in circles. I started to get really flustered and my heart started beating faster, I got palpitations and felt myself just getting really stressed and anxious. I can't believe I actually had an anxiety attack in amongst racks of baby clothes over newborn bodysuits! How insane is that! In the end I left with nothing and went to a baby shop next door which had ONE rack of merino clothing and that was all. It may have cost me more but at least I know I got the right thing!

I then went home and had some chicken soup to balance out the marshmallow eggs I've been munching on. Tomorrow we are having a big roast pork at the in-laws to which I am contributing a yummy (if I do say so myself!) chocolate brownie that I got clever with by throwing half a bag of white chocolate buttons through. I think I'd better keep eating that chicken soup! Hehe.

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!

DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY . . .

2011-04-20T07:43:00.000+12:00

I'm trying to live by this motto at the moment and was proving to be doing a very good job but . . . there always has to be a but! Since I hit the 25 week mark I've been feeling very relaxed and really enjoying my pregnancy but now at 29 weeks baby has decided to change position and I can't feel him as much as I used to, which is causing the dreaded worry to start biting me in the butt again. He had been super active the last few weeks and I was getting so used to the kicks and jabs and being able to rest my hand on my belly and feel him squirming around underneath. Then on Sunday night I had a few painful braxton hicks and sharp pains radiating down around my pubic bone and suddenly the only movements I have felt have been teeny tiny little movements down really, really low. And the movements are very faint. But boy has my bladder been irritated since then! Sometimes I literally feel like I am leaking when I get a couple of prods on the bladder and think maybe I should have been doing more regular pelvic exercises! Oops, maybe this was the reason they tell you to do these things! I've also been getting some mild cramping and continuous backache which came out of nowhere. Perhaps he has engaged himself already. Hope he isn't preparing an early entrance as I have so much left to do! Eek!

Please tell me it's normal for a babies movements to settle down a bit at this stage so I can stop worrying!

29 WEEKS

2011-04-18T07:35:00.001+12:00

HOW AM I FEELING: I'm still not feeling too bad but I am starting to experience a few of the third trimester discomforts. I'm still working full time so finding my back is getting quite sore by the end of the day and also have a tendency to wake up about 3am and then having trouble getting into a comfortable position to go back to sleep. Last night I was sitting on the couch and had some tightening pains again which I am guessing are braxton hicks. I don't know what happened to them being painless!

WEIGHT GAIN: I now weigh 68.2kg which is approx 8kg weight gain all up and 1kg in the last fortnight.

CRAVINGS/AVERSIONS: All things sweet! My taste buds have really started to change and I just crave sweet foods which isn't good for the waistline and is the total opposite to me as I am normally a savoury person. Croissants with raspberry jam, apricot pies, chocolate brownies . . . mmmm! Yum!

MOVEMENT: He seems to have dropped right down and I half expect an arm to make it's way out the way he's going! It's starting to feel like he's trying to escape and while I love feeling him move it is getting mighty uncomfortable as I constantly feel like I need to go to the toilet and at times feel like I'm going to leak with the pressure he is putting on my bladder! The movements are incredibly low down now, it's quite a weird sensation.

OTHER UPDATES: The nursery is nearly painted! It's all been plastered up and the first coat of paint is on the walls and ceiling. The room will be painted in time to be moving the furniture in over Easter so the HG is going to have fun putting everything together. I think I will leave the house and hide while this is going on, patience is not one of his virtues! Poor guy has to put together the cot, bassinet, change table and toy box as all those items came flat packed in boxes. I then get to start the fun part - decorating!

UPCOMING MILESTONES: I should get my results for my glucose test and a myriad of other tests they did so fingers crossed those all come back normal, We are also up to fortnightly midwife visits which is exciting, time is closing in on us and this little man will be here in no time! Can't believe it's nearly May already!

JUDGEMENT

2011-04-14T12:55:00.000+12:00

One of the things I have recently noticed is that people feel they have a right to judge my decisions since I got pregnant. I plan to return to work about 4-5 months after this baby is born. It is not a decision based on choice so much as pure necessity. The NZ economy sucks and mortgage rates are high, rates are high, petrol is excessive, food is bloody expensive, insurance sucks and it's just going to get worse. Combine all those together and we can't afford for me not to work. I would love to be a stay at home mum but this simply isn't feasible. However, people seem to think that because I battled infertility for so long and used IVF to conceive that I have less rights than woman who fell 'naturally' to make a decision to return to work and I feel constantly judged for this decision. It's not like I am going to leave the baby at home alone! This little boy is going to be well cared for and in loving care with his grandmother (the HG's mum) and we will be financially secure for it. Just because I plan to be a working mum, does not make me less of a mother than someone who is lucky enough to be able to afford to stay at home. Has anyone else found this?

MIDWIFE APPOINTMENT

2011-04-13T07:35:00.000+12:00

My midwife is an adorable lady who lives 2 doors down from my house. She arrived last night at 7.40pm for our appointment and didn't leave until 9.30pm! She is super chatty and just wonderful, we feel very lucky to have her on our side. The appointment went really well - baby boy is head down (woohoo!) and hopefully he decides to stay that way! HB was between 145 - 153bpm and my belly is measuring 27 weeks which is apparently spot on. I got my referral for my glucose test (yikes, I'm not sure about this sugar drink I'm supposed to consume, sounds pretty nasty!) which is testing for gestational diabetes. Fingers crossed that one comes back ok! We also did my Care Plan which is like a birth plan where we make and note down decisions on some of the major points when it comes to the labour - like if the HG will assist with the birth of his son as he comes out (this was a resounding NO) and whether he will cut the cord (he will if he's still upright apparently and not passed out on the floor . . . hmm . . . and he is my one support person! God help me!), also the skin to skin (yes) and what we want to do with the placenta (still in discussion about this - not sure whether to let the hospital discard of it or whether we want to take it home and bury it). So many decisions and scary to think that we only have 11 and a bit more weeks until the real thing! The HG was curious and asked many questions regarding the birth which was quite revealing. He had no idea how long labour would take (I seriously think he thought we'd pop into the hospital for a couple of hours and come out with a baby!) and was shocked to discover the truth. I think we are REALLY going to need those antenatal classes!

'LIKE AN ALIEN'

2011-04-11T07:31:00.001+12:00

The HG got the opportunity to really feel the baby kick last night. I was lying on my side in bed which must have squished the poor thing to one side and he started booting away so I told the HG to put his hand on my tummy to feel him squirm. He got a bit of a start at the resulting kicks and movements as he said it felt like 'an alien' was moving around in there. Not only can you feel the kicks now but you can actually feel a little foot come out and drag around the tummy and you can feel him rolling over and moving about. Even I found it a bit freaky feeling it with my hand on my belly. So exciting though, he's getting so big! We have another MW appointment on Tuesday night and I'm guessing we'll be able to find out whether he has been a good boy and turned head down like he's supposed to. I know there's still plenty of time but I prefer not to have to worry about a breech baby! I suspect he has by the positioning of his kicks and punches so we'll see. Will update you all again on Wednesday!

BABY BUMP UPDATE!

2011-04-06T20:09:00.001+12:00

My bump at 27w2d - how it can grow much more is beyond me but still 12 and a half weeks to go!

27 WEEKS

2011-04-04T07:43:00.002+12:00

I saw this on another blog and thought I'd give this format a go for something different. If you like it let me know and I'll carry on writing some further updates this way.

HOW AM I FEELING: I'm feeling amazing! I have no complaints except for the leg cramps which continue to give me grief in the middle of the night (had me in tears on Saturday night because my calf muscle locked up in a cramp for 20 minutes and I couldn't get rid of it no matter what I did) but these are just minor annoyances in the scheme of things.

WEIGHT GAIN: 7kg

CRAVINGS/AVERSIONS: Bacon, eggs and cheese. I live on bacon and egg toasties, panini's, pies or just plain bacon and eggs themselves, plus anything I can put bacon in like macaroni cheese or just bacon sandwiches. And I love anything with cheese. Cheese and pickle on crackers is my current favourite snack. Yum! No aversions at the moment, I think I had enough aversions in the first 16 weeks to last a lifetime. I just love food at the moment! Starting to crave chocolate too. Uh oh!

MOVEMENT: This baby is going through a super active stage at the moment. I used to only really feel him kicking about in the evenings just after dinner when I was relaxing on the couch and now he's active every couple of hours and all through the night. Enough that it wakes me up and the movements have changed from kicks to a rolling type of movement where I can literally feel him moving around in there, as well as kicking and punching. He's a very active little man! The HG likes to say he's practicing his fishing techniques or surf moves.

OTHER UPDATES: I brought the cot! I popped into the baby shop yesterday that I had my cot on layby at and found that it was on special for the weekend only with $100 off! Initially I was gutted but then I managed to persuade the shopkeeper to let me have it at that price if I paid off the layby then and there and I also picked up a cot mobile (with a whale, bee, aeroplane and ABC block) and an octopus toy and still paid less than I had left to pay off initially. I was stoked! We also pick up our couch/bed settee from the furniture shop and the HG is knuckling into the nursery this week so we can (hopefully!) start moving everything in next weekend.

UPCOMING MILESTONES: We start our antenatal classes in a months time which is exciting and I have my next appointment with my midwife next week where we will discuss my birth plans and set up my appointment with the specialist regarding my asthma.

WOW!

2011-04-01T07:43:00.004+13:00

Wow, thank you so much for all your responses! I think there is nothing better than hearing firsthand from woman who have actually given birth and hearing what they have to say. Please keep the stories coming as I love reading them.

Just to follow up on that post, I do intend to have a birth plan or at least have written down my views on certain things. It won't be strict and I fully intend to let my midwife know that when it comes to the end result all I want is for this baby to be delivered safe and sound and healthy and for me to come out of it alive (that may sound overly dramatic but you know what I mean!). I am happy to have a c-section under recommendation and drugs if I ask for them and my midwife agrees that they would be helpful. I don't want pethidine (decided this ages ago) but would be open to gas and an epidural as a last resort. I know that my midwife is one of those woman who is an advocate for natural births and letting the body do what it has been designed to do, so I won't have any issues with her trying to push drugs on me, rather I believe it would be the other way around! Having said that though, she has about 35 years experience as a midwife so she certainly knows what she is talking about. I also know that due to friends experiences at this particular hospital that I need to be vocal about not letting the labour go on for too long if things aren't going to plan and things are turning pear shaped. I know two woman who have given birth here who went for hours over what they should have before having to have an emergency c-section, so I intend to speak to my midwife about this as I don't want that to happen to me. I just hope my asthma behaves itself as well. I have an appointment with a specialist soon to discuss the best approach to managing the labour due to this as my midwife doesn't want me taking my ventolin the week prior to my due date or during the labour itself, as it's been known to delay labour and could end in me needing to be induced, as well as slow down my progress during labour. My asthma is under control at the moment though but any kind of strenuous activity aggravates it and I imagine giving birth would be strenuous, so I need to keep that in mind too.

What other things do I need to take into consideration after the birth? There have been mentions of cutting the cord, leaving the cord attached for longer, skin to skin contact, if a c-section is required does the HG go with the baby or stay with me etc. All these things I have only just seen pop up in the comments and I had no idea I needed to be contemplating them. Can you guys please let me know all things that come to mind that I need to take into consideration when mapping out my plan? Thanks so much ladies!

CONTEMPLATING THE BIRTH

2011-03-31T08:29:00.000+13:00

I have my next midwife appointment scheduled for the 11th April at which point it will be time to sit down and work out my birth plan. I have pretty much been in denial about how I am going to get this baby boy out of my growing belly and the bigger it gets the more I try to block it out. But I can't live in denial forever. I wish it could be as simple as the stork dropping the baby into the bassinet beside my bed while I slept but unfortunately that isn't quite how it works (sadly for us woman folk!) and I somehow need to push this baby out. To be honest at this point I am a whole lot more excited about giving birth than I am terrified, but I am sure as the time draws closer that will change! I have only 13 weeks and 3 days to go and the closer I get the more people ask me what my birth plans are. Will I have an epidural? Will I try a natural birth? At hospital or at home? Eek! I have started doing some research and:

#1. I will definately be having this baby at the main hospital in my city. I have nothing against homebirths but I'm not taking any chances. The smaller hospital closer to home which I know is a nicer environment does not have any obs or access to drugs and if something does start going wrong you have to be taken to the larger hospital via ambulance as they don't have the facilities to deal with it. I just don't want to risk it.

#2. Epidurals - I think I would like to try a natural birth but have the option of an epidural if I want it. I don't know if that decision is based on me wanting a natural birth or based on the fact that many of the woman I have spoken to about their birth experiences are against epidurals and managed to birth without one, putting the fear of god into me that epidurals are bad. My midwife is a bit old school and seems to be singing the same tune. The jury is still out on this one. Do I really want to endure all that pain when I don't have to?

#3. Waterbirth. I think this is what I want to try. The hospital we are going to is newly renovated and each birthing unit now has a birthing pool and I think I would like to attempt this. My midwife said the hospital isn't overly keen on waterbirths but will allow it if the midwife is happy to do this and mine is. I'm still thinking about this one though and really need to do some more research.

Those of you who have given birth before - did you have a birth plan? Did you stick to it or did it go out the window completely when the time came? Did you have an epidural? Those who haven't given birth before whether you are still TTC or currently pregnant - is this anything you have given much thought to?

Any advice/opinions more than welcome!

THE 'BEFORE' SHOTS

2011-03-26T22:21:00.003+13:00

As promised, below are some before shots. Not very interesting by any means but at least now it'll show the difference with the after shots! As the weather forecast predicted, today was raining BUT the HG went out last night and wasn't in a good way this morning. In fact, he wasn't in a good way when he stumbled into the house at 3am and wanted to discuss his evening with me either! Why do men do this? They get drunk and then want to tell you about it even if you are sleeping (or in my instance, trying to sleep!) and you know they're drunk when they then proceed to repeat the same story over and over and over . . . he eventually retired to the lounge with a bowl. We all know what the bowl was for but luckily he didn't need to use it (although I believe the toilet came in handy for the same purpose!) Hehe. Needless to say, no work was done today but I have been promised a full productive day dedicated to the room tomorrow. Watch this space!

The room . . . still haven't quite decided what we plan to do to transform it into a little boys paradise just yet!

Showing the floor after the ceiling was demolished.

Note the hole in the wall towards the ceiling!

WE HAVE A START!

2011-03-25T08:03:00.002+13:00

A big hello to all my lovely blog followers! Sorry I have been so slack on the blogging front lately. I sometimes go to write a post but first I tend to catch up on other blogs and sometimes by the time I have finished reading and commenting on the other IF blogs I read (of which there sadly hasn't been the best news lately) I feel like by coming on here and writing a post about my pregnancy, it is a bit like rubbing salt in the wound. So I don't post and then I realise how useless I have been at keeping everyone up to date. For those of you who are struggling at the moment, I feel for you, I really do. I haven't forgotten my 3 years of TTC by any means and I hope to see a big run of BFP's in the near future.

I am 25w4d now and the HG has FINALLY started tackling that nursery. I rejoiced to see the bad weather starting to set in this week and rejoiced even more when he came home last night after a night out fishing (the one night this week that the weather has been good enough) and said he had some bad news . . . the Snapper have left the coast. YIPPEE!! This means fishing season is coming to a close and I get my husband back! He is obsessed with fishing and this season has been out on the boat even more so than usual as he knows next year he won't be able to get out quite as frequently and I am fine with that. But, I need that nursery done! He's had a great run this summer with endless fish and crayfish but it's coming to a close as Autumn sets in and therefore the nursery has been getting some more attention, just not quite in the way I expected. So I came home the other night and the ceiling had been torn down. Dust and broken wood chips covered EVERYTHING. I was of the impression we were going to paint the walls and move the furniture in . . . hmm . . . so much for that idea! I just hope it gets finished now (unlike the outside of the house which has been half finished for the last three years and the bathroom which had the ceiling replaced but only got one swipe of paint and looks it). What is it with men doing DIY but never finishing what they started?! I will endeavor to take a photo this weekend to show you the state of the soon to be nursery so that I can do before and after shots. Hopefully more progress gets made this weekend as the rain and cold sets in (YES!!!).

As for me, I am still experiencing the joy of the second trimester and feeling great. Sleeping really well (apart from crazy dreams), still feeling comfortable so no backache or aches and pains except a bit of rib pain occasionally but I am getting bigger and baby is moving around and kicking a little harder every day (hard enough to wake me up at 3.30am two nights in a row!) but I am starting to get to the point where I am so excited I just want to meet him! Now I understand why pregnant woman get so impatient about having their babies. I used to sit there and think 'Just enjoy your pregnancy, they'll be here soon enough!' but now I get it.

Can't wait to meet you little man! 14 weeks to go!

25 WEEKS!

2011-03-21T13:04:00.000+13:00

Woohoo! Today I hit the 25 week mark which means if the worst was to happen and bubs decided to come early (stay put little one!) then he would have a chance of surviving. This is a huge milestone for me, I have been waiting to get here since the 20 week scan. Pregnancy seems to have so many milestones - the BFP, the first scan, the 12 week scan, the 20 week scan and now hitting the 25 week mark. My friend had her daughter at 25 weeks and she is now a happy and healthy 5 year old with no lasting health concerns. It's amazing what modern medicine can achieve.

LET THE DECORATING BEGIN (& THE LATEST BUMP PIC)

2011-03-12T21:10:00.001+13:00

We have finally cleared out the spare room so we can start turning it into a nursery. The cot is on layby along with the pram, I have the change table and set of drawers and then it's just a matter of decorating. Trying to decide what to do is so hard! We are thinking of doing a half and half paint when it comes to the walls - blue at the top and white at the bottom. We have all white furniture and as mentioned in my last entry, a charcoal sofa but getting the HG to actually START decorating the nursery is somewhat impossible while the weather is still nice and there is fishing to be done. Take today for example - after the earthquake in Japan (which was catastrophic and my heart goes out to all the Japanese people) the NZ civil defence put out a warning to avoid all waterways and not go swimming or boating while the alert was in place. So what does my husband do? Rings me at 8am after visiting the beach to say that he is going out diving. Hmm . . . is it a man thing? I mentioned the warning which was all over the news and he was like 'but everyone else is doing it, there's a million boats out, stop worrying'. Ok, so nothing happened but men and their hobbies! He then proceeded out fishing this evening and the weather is perfect again tomorrow. In the meantime the babies room isn't really doing much. I can't believe I'm saying this but please, please let the weather start to pack up! Once it's painted I can start to do my part!

In other news, I had my monthly midwife appointement last night and everything is fine and dandy with baby (nice strong heartbeat, a few almightly kicks and my bump is measuring well) BUT I will need to see a specialist at the antenatal clinic at the hospital due to my asthma and the potential of an attack while in labour. It's started to go downhill since the cooler evenings and mornings set in and the baby starts taking up more room and squishing things. I also found out that my meds could potentially delay labour when it comes to my due date so we need to make a plan as to how we are going to manage it. Hopefully it won't be a problem when the time comes because I am making a real effort to try and think positively about the birth and not go into it terrified. The HG made a comment about it the other day that I found less than supportive (something along the lines of how much it's going to hurt, how big a babies head is, how it'll have to come out such a small hole and will probably rip it to shreds and how he's so glad he isn't a woman!) and I promptly burst into tears (and he got told off by our midwife for saying less than supportive comments. Hehe) so I really hope my asthma isn't going to be a problem as being short of breath is very distressing. Does anyone else suffer from asthma who has given birth? Was it an issue?

And to finish off below is my latest bump pic at 23w5d. Needless to say getting my socks on is becoming somewhat an issue and the HG is going to have to start having a lesson in doing it for me. At least he'll be an expert by the time baby arrives and I can have him dressing him like an expert in no time!

IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY & I'LL CRY IF I WANT TO

2011-03-06T16:29:00.002+13:00

You must be wondering what that blog title is all about? Well, basically it's been a rough week. First I had the awful tummy bug strike me down and spent two days without food and struggling to keep down fluids. Not my idea of fun! This was Tuesday and Wednesday and I actually managed to work through most of Tuesday (have become quite adept at spewing and then going on with my workload after dealing with the MS!) but it started to knock me down as the day went on and I pulled all the muscles in my bump from the vomiting which made walking sore. So, the HG was kind enough to come and collect me and I rewarded him by spewing in his work truck on the way home. We were on the motorway so I didn't have alot of options other than one of those paper McDonalds takeaway bags and of course there had to be a hole in it. The only good part (if you can call it that!) was that I hadn't eaten since 10am so it was only the red powerade that came up. Liquid isn't so bad and the truck came away unscathed, it was me that got a bit icky! Joy. Needless to say I took the Wednesday off work to recover.

Friday was my 29th birthday and I was still feeling drained when I woke up that morning after being so sick and despite the HG making a fuss of me and wishing me happy birthday, I then went to work and when I spoke to him later burst into tears because I missed my mum. My birthday was always a special time for us as we always did something special together and she'd make a big deal of it, so every birthday I miss her more than any other day of the year. Next year will obviously be a very different experience with an 8 month old in the house and I can't wait for that. I can't wait to do for him on his birthday what my mum used to do for me on mine. The HG surprised me with a lovely chocolate mud cake birthday cake he'd purchased (and it was huge!) that night served with ice-cream to follow my requested macaroni cheese for dinner, so that perked me up in the evening.

When people used to speak of pregnancy hormones I didn't really understand what they meant . . . until now! I quit my antenatal classes because I got pissed off with their total lack of communication (and when I say 'lack of' I mean 'zero' communication) and decided to go elsewhere (and told them so). I then went to buy a couch today on an interest free deal and when the interest free deal was taking so bloody long to organise with some stupid finance company I chucked it on my credit card in annoyance and got snarky with them for making it so bloody difficult when every other furniture store in town makes it easy. I was already pissed off because I have wanted that particular couch for ages (it's a fold out bed one) but they only had it in chocolate and it's going in the nursery and I didn't want chocolate (said in a whiny tone) so I had left my name and number and asked them to call me if any other colours came in store and no one did . . . but when I went in today they had ONE charcoal one left which was my ideal colour and they'd got it in a couple of weeks ago. Do they not want to make a sale?

Anyway, I hope this week is brighter!

PS: Sorry for the rambling blog entry, it's been awhile!

MISERABLE

2011-03-01T16:50:00.000+13:00

I have a tummy bug. I know it's a tummy bug because it is combined with the awful chills, fever, faintness and all that other nasty stuff that comes with a tummy bug. I haven't been able to keep any food down all day and have been ill so violently it's pulled all my tummy muscles and makes it hard to walk. And yet at 4.41pm I am still at work. I just want to go to bed.

INFERTILITY JUST ISN'T BLOODY FAIR!

2011-02-27T21:19:00.001+13:00

Need I say more? I'm heartbroken for a dear friend who was once again unsuccessful in her IVF attempt. Why, why, why?! I don't understand it. Many of my good friends are women I have met through the infertility forums I frequent and they are the most wonderful women, who would make the most wonderful mothers. It just doesn't seem fair that it is such a struggle to achieve something that the majority of the world takes for granted. My thoughts and love are with all of you who are still struggling to make your dreams come true and my heart especially goes out to my friend and her husband as you grieve tonight. I'm so sorry honey and if I could come over there to wipe away your tears I would be there in a heartbeat. I know this little vent probably doesn't help you but I remember you having a vent on my behalf when my first IVF didn't work and although you had written that your husband had told you that it wouldn't help, it did help to know that there were others who understood my pain. I know I'm pregnant now but I will never forget the 3 years of agony it took to get here and I will be by your side (among others) until you all succeed and get to hold your beautiful bundles in your arms. xox

EARTHQUAKE

2011-02-23T07:34:00.005+13:00

First of all, thank you for the lovely messages of concern I have been recieving from all around the world. I am in Wellington which is at the bottom of the North Island (for those of you who don't know) and Christchurch is in the South Island so it hasn't affected us here. Or should I say, the shaking itself hasn't affected us here. I think it is safe to say that all of NZ and further abroad is reeling from the devastating news and images coming out of one of our biggest cities. I was riveted by the coverage on television last night but then decided I needed to stop watching it as I was beginning to feel quite distressed which can't be good for a little baby who feels all my emotions in the womb. The 6.3 on the richter scale quake hit just before 1pm and the death toll so far stands at 65 and is expected to rise. It is a smaller quake than the first one which was a 7.2 and hit in September, but was at a very shallow depth of 5km so was far more violent than the first causing widespread destruction across the city.

You can read about it here:
http://www.stuff.co.nz/national/christchurch-earthquake/4692170/Christchurch-quake-Cries-from-the-rubble

My thoughts are with all of my readers who live in Christchurch or have family and friends in Christchurch. You have already had such a rough few months after the first quake and now this . . . such a devastating time of day for it to strike and I get teary just thinking about it. My heart goes out to you all.

HOW TO HELP

You can donate to victims of the earthquake at:

The Salvation Army: Freephone 0800 530 000 or online at www.salvationarmy.org.nz

Any ANZ Bank: Account number 01-1839-0188939-00

Any National Bank: Account number 06-0869-0548507-00

BUMP UPDATE

2011-02-20T17:37:00.000+13:00


The Bump at 20w6d

SUPER EXCITED!

2011-02-18T08:30:00.001+13:00

I'm excited! But this has nothing to do with me. Two very good friends of mine are currently undergoing IVF cycles - one is in the dreaded 2WW and another has just started her FET (you know who you are!) and I am crossing everything to see their BFP's announced in the coming weeks. You guys know I love you and I can't wait for some good news! Please cross your fingers for them!

SCAN PICS

2011-02-14T10:23:00.002+13:00

Our little man at 19w4d . . .

And how we know he's a boy! Don't think there's any
mistaking this one, he's not shy! Haha.

LET THE SHOPPING BEGIN!

2011-02-12T17:48:00.000+13:00

Thank you for all your congratulations yesterday! I still haven't quite got my head wrapped around the idea that I am expecting a son! Not that I would have had my head wrapped around the idea of a daughter any quicker, but somehow KNOWING I am carrying a little boy makes it all feel so much more real and I sometimes find myself just suddenly going 'Holy crap! There's a little boy in there!'. Weird!

He was a very well behaved for us yesterday. We walked into the ultrasound room and the lovely lady asked us if we wanted to know what we were having to which the HG replied 'DEFINATELY' (he was beyond excited!) and the instant she started there were two little legs wide open for the whole world to see what he was! I will have to post a pic to show you just how obvious he was being! He then seemed to almost understand exactly what she wanted to check for and moved into all the right positions for measurements to be taken. She said he was one of the easiest babies she's ever had to scan and is just perfect. He was very active, kicking and punching and moving around alot. I also found out my placenta is anterior and thick which is why I haven't felt that much thus far. Apparently it could be another couple of weeks before I really start to feel major movement but anterior also means that when they are really big it won't hurt as much. I have no idea what that means and what kind of pain a baby can cause from the inside out (prior to labour of course!) but seems that is the silver lining of waiting longer to feel bubs movements.

Now that we know that he's healthy and we are buying for a boy, we can start shopping! And that's what I did today - I brought a large chest of drawers to store everything we have accumulated so far (nappies, wipes, nappy bag, jumpsuits and booties), put a cot on layby (chose one that comes with the additional pieces to convert it into a bed when he's older) and some BLUE jumpsuits and bibs. I also brought a toybox the other day. I could have kept shopping for hours but the HG can only tolerate so much so now I'm just gonna have to carry on my new shopping obsession online! Hehe.

IT'S A . . .

2011-02-11T12:39:00.000+13:00

Beautiful, healthy, bouncing little BOY, measuring in a week ahead of schedule! We are beyond thrilled!!!

LAST CHANCE!

2011-02-10T08:20:00.001+13:00

One more sleep until we find out what this little one is (granted it behaves itself!) so today is the last chance to add your guesses of sex, date, time and weight to 'The Guessing Game'. Holy crap, I'm sooooo excited!!! The HG rang me yesterday morning just to ask how excited I am is he is beside himself with excitement, it's so cute. Eek!

A FAINTING SPELL (OR TWO!)

2011-02-08T21:37:00.001+13:00

I had a little scare on Sunday night when an hour or so after going to bed I decided I needed to go to the bathroom (this is happening alot lately!) and got up and started walking around the bed only to feel lightheaded within a couple of steps before passing out cold on the floor at the end of the bed! Gave the HG one hell of a fright! I woke up to him shaking me in a panic asking if I was ok. Luckily I realised what was about to happen before it happened and lowered myself to the floor so I didn't have the full impact of head or body versus hard floor when I did pass out. Still must have been a loud enough thud to wake the HG though!

I hate fainting. The first time I fainted was when I was about 13 and was playing with the lamp cord by my bed and it came out and electrocuted me, short circuiting the entire house. I got out of bed (hadn't fainted at this point) and wandered out to the lounge in an utter daze and asked 'What happened?' (hands all black from the electrocution too!) before passing out on the lounge floor! Second time was when we took the dog to the vets. Yep, I passed out cold on the poor vets linoleum floor! I don't know what the hell happened but basically she was explaining to us that our labrador puppy had hip dysplasia and I think I got such a fright that I just started to feel lightheaded and had time to say 'Babe, I don't feel so good' before fainting into his arms. Very embarrassing!!! I bet the vet wasn't expecting to treat a human patient that day and the HG still gives me a hard time about it. I always feel sheepish when we have to take the cat or dog to the vet now. I also nearly passed out in McDonalds after my first egg collection and the HG was in a real hurry to get my out of there after that, so we ended up eating in the car at the beach instead. I think I need to get my blood pressure tested again because today I went out to the mailbox, dropped some leaflets on the ground and bent down to pick them up only to have a dizzy spell right on the edge of the concrete steps. Dangerous!

Other than that and a few aches and pains, I'm not doing too bad!

DILEMMA

2011-02-05T11:07:00.001+13:00

I have a dilemma. The HG and I had a big discussion about boy's names the other night and narrowed it down to two. If the baby is a boy we decided we would wait until he is born and then decide which name suits him better once we see him. My dilemma is that this morning on one of the forums I post on, a lady came on and announced the birth of her son and named him the same name that we had chosen (we have the two but favour one of them more). Is it wrong of me to still use that name since we had decided on it before seeing her announcement? She isn't a hugely regular poster so not sure if she will even be around posting much by the time it gets to my turn . . . yikes! Who knew choosing a baby name could be filled with so many obstacles!

LOOKING UP

2011-02-01T19:08:00.000+13:00

Still feeling awful cold wise but I've definately perked up pregnancy wise. The baby has been kicking up a storm today which is really wonderful and reassuring. I started reading some pregnancy mags (which I actually brought way back BEFORE we even started TTC as I was so excited at the prospect, but they got buried away a couple of years ago when the going got tough and IF became a reality for us, and I've just dug them back out) and even poring over a names book! We are stuck on boys names big time, so hopefully bubs is a girl as we have a girls name set in concrete. We have a few names on the boys list so far but any suggestions welcome as I have yet to fall in love with a boys name. I've even figured out which cot I want, so will be off to put that on layby this weekend if I'm feeling up to leaving the house. Have been a bit feverish today and had every intention of returning to work tomorrow after two days off but ended up ringing work late this afternoon to see how busy they are as I really don't think it would be a good idea to rush back into it. This has to be by far the worst cold I have had in years. Blah!

CROOK AS A DOG

2011-01-31T13:51:00.003+13:00

First of all, thank you so much for all your responses to my last post. It made me feel heaps better to read all the supportive words and also to know that I am not alone. I am currently at home sick with one hell of a cold which I caught off a workmate on Friday. He was supposed to go home but then we got crazy busy and then last night I started sneezing and my nose started running and I thought 'Uh oh'. A sleepless night to follow and today I feel pretty bloody miserable if I'm honest, but just made myself some chicken soup and drinking my lemon and honey drinks and hoping I can kick its ass before it gets too bad. I gave my midwife a call to ask her what I am allowed to take for a cold while pregnant and after discussing it she asked me how I was getting on in general, to which I told her the truth - that I was feeling a bit anxious about things. So she said she would pop round this afternoon to see me and we could listen to the heartbeat and have a chat. I love my midwife, she is such a caring and lovely woman and I know chatting with her about how I'm feeling and hearing bubs heartbeat will make me feel so much better. In fact, I was so relieved when she said she was going to come around and see me that as soon as I hung up the phone I promptly burst into tears. Hormones getting the better of me I think!

I also think I now know why these worries have started creeping in. We are finding out the sex at our 20 week scan in less than two weeks which is making it feel more real and I think I am only just now starting to really believe we are going to be having a baby. I think I still felt somewhat in shock that I was pregnant and now closing in on the half way mark I am having the sudden realisation that in 5 months time it is going to be ME giving birth and ME holding MY baby and becoming a mummy at long last. Given the way I have been feeling, I think it is even more the right decision for us to find out the sex as it might be just what I need to really believe it. I know this may sound crazy to some of you, but that's how I'm feeling. We had a breakthrough through when the HG and I went out to the baby shop on Sunday and put a pram on layby!! I had been adament I didn't want to spend too much but in the end I opted for a Mountain Buggy Swift which is a bit in the higher price range but not over the top. I pushed it and fell in love with how it steered! Haha. So we now have one big baby item in the process of being paid off. Next is the cot.

Will let you know how the MW appointment goes this afternoon!

Oh, and for those of you interested or new readers who don't know my full story, my success story has been featured on Krissi's blog 'Stress Free Infertility' which you can read by clicking here.

EDITED TO ADD: I just had my visit from my MW who gave me a huge hug and told me she is happy to pop round anytime. Bubs was moving around heaps which was making the heartbeat quite hard to hear but everything is definately all fine. My bump is measuring exactly 18 weeks (which is what I am today) so all in all my worrying was for nothing. As predicted. And wouldn't you know it - 20 minutes after she left I started getting booted by the baby again. Always the way! Right, off to drink my next lemon and honey drink and take a nap.

WORRY WART

2011-01-28T07:43:00.000+13:00

I've been feeling a wee bit paranoid about everything the last few days. Not sure what changed - maybe it's the thought of my upcoming 20 week scan, or maybe it's just the fact my bump appears to have stalled and the ligament pains have stopped and I pretty much feel completely normal for the first time this entire pregnancy (apart from a bit of indigestion due to my craving of oranges! Too much citrus causes heartburn apparently and it's not nice!).

I still haven't brought anything significant for baby. My official excuse is that the spare bedroom is still looking like a storage room that got hit by a truck (apparently the HG is removing his gear this weekend - fingers crossed!) but I think the reality is that even on the verge of 18 weeks I am still too scared to buy anything 'just in case' and I keep pushing it back. Originally it was 'We'll just make sure everything is fine at the 12 week scan first', then it was 'Let's just wait for the results of the NT scan' and then came the 'As soon as we hear the heartbeat at the midwife appointment' and now of course, it's the old 'Let's just wait until we've had our 20 week scan'. At this rate the baby will be sleeping in the bassinet naked. Ok, so slight exageration as we do have a few clothes that I purchased in the beginning pregnancy glow, plus nappies and wipes but that's all. I don't know if all mum's to be are like this or those of us lucky enough to be pregnant after infertility are a breed of our own, but for some reason I find it harder to just let go and enjoy it. Don't get me wrong, I am loving my pregnancy but it's not in the rose-tinted glasses 'everything is going to be perfect!' way I once imagined, where the thought of something going wrong after the 12 week scan would never even cross my mind. I worry too much. Even now, I am writing this feeling some little fluttery kicks (I tend to get those when I'm hungry, I think it must be a hint to eat something) but I still can't help but worry. I think it's also the fact that when you are immersed in the IF community and forums, you see devastating events happen more frequently than a woman who isn't immersed in this world, so it's always there at the back of your mind. And it's bloody scary.

Hopefully bubs kicks will just keep getting stronger and stronger and more frequent (still only feeling them a couple of times a day at this point and only very lightly) and I'll have an active baby to keep mummy's mind at ease. If it's anything like it's daddy who was probably on the verge of being tested for ADHD when he was a child due to his inability to sit still for longer than 2 minutes (and he's STILL like this - drives me nuts at times!) then I should have a little acrobat on my hands in no time at all and maybe, just maybe, I might be able to relax a wee bit. After all, I still have 22 weeks to go!

WE HAVE MOVEMENT (I THINK!)

2011-01-23T20:27:00.000+13:00

I was sitting at the computer this morning when I suddenly noticed what felt like someone lightly tapping their fingers quite low down in my abdomen but from the inside out. It was very light but noticeable and a bit like a muscle twitch which was exactly as someone had described it to me a few days ago. I had started getting really jealous that alot of the girls in my July Birth Club forum who weren't even as far along as me were getting movement and I hadn't felt a thing, so I was super excited when I felt something. I'm currently 16w6d and was told anywhere from about 17 weeks - 22 weeks was pretty usual for a first baby. The fluttering is actually alot lower than I initially thought I would feel it and since then I have felt it a couple more times today (especially after eating a super yummy, super rich afghan biscuit!). I can't wait for the fluttering to get stronger and graduate to real kicks now! The round ligament pain I mentioned the other day has eased off now too and my bump seems to have shrunk again which is weird! I'm learning that the female body is a very mysterious and wonderful thing when it comes to pregnancy.

My cat and dog have also started paying me a bit more attention - the cat has taken to sleeping on my tummy when I'm sleeping in in the morning (he's a foot sleeper usually, not one to climb right up on me) and my dog has been up on the couch cuddling up to me which is unusual because he is definately the HG's dog through and through and usually I just happen to be there and I'm generally ignored. The other night the HG playfully hit me and Shimano jumped inbetween us and knocked him away from me! I think it's safe to say that the pets are starting to sense that I'm pregnant now. I wonder how they will react when a little screaming human being actually appears and takes over their perfect little world?!

OUCH!

2011-01-21T08:12:00.000+13:00

The last few days I have been in a bit of pain and had no idea what was going on. It felt like stretching pains so I just assumed that it was the ligament pain that people speak of, even though I had no idea whether it was or not! I wasn't worried though because I knew it wasn't a cramping type pain, more a burning type stretching pain that comes and goes. Anyway, Wednesday I had it really bad so did some research on Dr Google and came to the conclusion it was definately round ligament pain - it was on the right hand side which is the usual complaint too, so I put my mind at ease and tried to ignore it. Well, that night I went home and when I went to get ready for bed was astounded to discover that my bump had popped something shocking! I went into the lounge and said to the HG 'Um, has my bump got bigger or am I imagining things?' and his eyes nearly popped out of his head! How you can go from one size one morning and a completely different size that night is beyond me! I now seriously (seriously!) need to start shopping for maternity clothes but with the change of season approaching and the knowledge of how cold I get at the slightest breath of southerly wind, I might try and get by for another few weeks and then start winter wardrobe shopping. I just hope the pain will stop soon because those ligament pains are really sore! No stretch marks yet though! Woot!

Still waiting to feel some movement too, come on bubba!

BUMP WATCH - 16WKS

2011-01-17T20:49:00.000+13:00

It's been awhile since I posted a bump shot, this was taken today at 16w0d.

WE HAVE A DATE!

2011-01-14T13:52:00.001+13:00

Ladies, we have a date! I am very excited to say that we will be finding out whether we are Team Blue or Team Pink on the 11th February. Not long to wait at all! We had a midwife appointment today and apparently I am in perfect health. All my tests came back wonderful and I turned to the HG and said 'Well, that's a first!'. After 3 years of tests and ops that revealed bad news (low progesterone, blocked tubes, polycystic looking ovaries . . . oh look - a uterine polyp! And another one! You get the idea) it was such a relief to be told that everything is perfect for once and baby and I are in tip top shape.

We got to hear the heartbeat for the first time too which was amazing as until now we have seen it but not heard it. As it's been a month since our last scan, it was such a relief to hear a nice strong heart beating away. Even though my belly continues to grow, as the MS starts to ease off I haven't felt as pregnant which can cause a few nerves (but just a few, I promise!) so was lovely to hear that, even for just a few minutes. I am excited at the prospect of feeling some first movements in the coming weeks aswell, as apparently it could be anytime from here on in. I truly can't wait for that time.

I also got my official results from those risk factor tests for Downs syndrome and Trisomy 13 and 18 and they are:

Downs syndrome - 1:21,000

T13 - 1:100,000

T18 - 1:100,000

And at the bottom in capitals was written LOW RISK. Phew!

BACK FROM HOLIDAY!

2011-01-10T21:00:00.001+13:00

Sorry if you've been wondering where I've got to! I really meant to pop on and mention the fact I was off on holiday and wouldn't have access to a computer for 5 days but I never got around to it (typical!) and since I now have quite a few emails in my Inbox asking if I'm ok I thought I'd better jump on and let you know that YES, I'm fine! I went to New Plymouth (which is 5 hours up the North Island from Wellington for those overseas) to visit family and spend some time with my Nana. Had a fabulous time and came back loaded with the most lovely gifts from my Nana for the baby. Bubs is being spoilt! She made us a gorgeous teddy bear cot duvet, a knitted patchwork quilt, a crochet blanket, another knitted patchwork quilt with a piece of material attached to the back with puppies on it and about 6 pairs of booties! She is also making some cardies and matching hats so we are very, very spoilt and I appreciate her time and effort so much! Our baby is due the middle of winter so all the woolen goodies are going to be absolutely wonderful to keep baby nice and cosy and warm! And look gorgeous too of course!

It was also nice to spend some time with the HG who upon getting home has immediately gone out on the boat fishing! Men! I think holiday's are about the only time I get to spend some quality time with him! The morning sickness had pretty much disappeared again and gave me no trouble while I was away . . . until I came home. Within 3 hours of eating lunch at home I vomited it all up. Absolutely gutted as at 15 weeks today (woohoo!) I thought that it may have been over by now. Nevermind. I have been eating really healthy and filling myself up with veges and fruit (thanks Nana!) and plan to carry on eating this way. I've felt quite guilty about my poor diet throughout this pregnancy, like I was letting myself and my baby down after all the trouble it took us to get here, but I just have to remind myself that it's because I simply couldn't keep the good foods down. Now I can and I plan to make up for it in a big way! I have also had another belly burst and the bump has grown so will make sure to take another photo very soon and get that up for you.

Phew! So that's what I've been up to! We have another midwife appointment on Friday, I'm back to work on Thursday and we will have another scan and find out babies sex in about 5 weeks! So exciting. If you haven't already, make sure you pop over and have a guess on my thread 'The Guessing Game' as to whether you think it will be a boy or girl, date, time and weight.

Lovely to be back and I apologise that I haven't been around to read all your blogs and comment as much as usual, will be catching up on those as well! Promise!

2010 IN REVIEW

2011-01-04T12:37:00.000+13:00

I saw this on Holly's blog and thought it was a wonderful idea! I must admit I haven't copied all questions as some of them I couldn't think of answers to so I narrowed it down to 19. So here goes:

1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?:

I went through an egg collection (not fun!) for the first time, flew to Australia and of course, got pregnant.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?:

My New Years Resolution of 2010 was to be pregnant by Christmas which I did achieve. I haven't made any for this year unless you count seeing my friends who are still battling for their BFP's to be pregnant by the end of this year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Lot's! You can't be on a forum of women TTC and not know people who succeed and have beautiful babies.

4. Did anyone close to you die?:

Not this year, thank God! Although I did have friends who lost their precious bundles which was devastating.

5. What countries did you visit?:

Only Australia this year! Had never been before and had a wonderful visit (although wasn't too keen on the spiders . . .)

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?:

To give birth to a healthy baby.

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?:

Labour Day which is the day we found out our third IVF cycle had worked. I was in shock and cried so much that day.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?:

Other than getting pregnant, getting my drivers license (at last!) after years of procrastinating. I'd spent so much time apartment living in the city where there are no carparks and traveling that I had never got around to it and the longer I left it the scarier it got. But I passed!

9. What was your biggest failure?:

I don't know that I would call it a failure per se but having my first IVF cycle cancelled due to over response and then a BFN on the second attempt was devastating.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?:

I had mild OHSS after the second IVF attempt and that really knocked me around for a good week or so and was really painful.

11. Where did most of your money go?:

Honestly, probably on acupuncture. Fortnightly treatments get expensive fast!

12. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Getting pregnant of course!

13. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or more sad?: Much happier
ii. thinner or fatter?: Fatter (and proud of it!)
iii. richer or poorer?: Poorer (just until I get my credit card sorted!)

14. What was your favourite TV programme?:

Lost, Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice. Was so gutted to see Lost come to an end.

15. What was the best book you read?:

The Twilight Saga (yes, sad but true!)

16. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?:

I was 28 and for the life of me I can't remember what I did! Can't have been much . . .

17. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?:

Boring! I brought hardly any new clothes as all my focus was on achieving our dream and getting through the IVF cycles.

18. What kept you sane?:

Losing myself in books, this blog, my husband and my friends.

19. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:

Not to give up no matter how hard or impossible it seems.

GREAT START TO 2011!

2011-01-01T11:58:00.001+13:00

I'm afraid I have to disappoint you with only words and no photo's (my bad, forgot the camera) but I caught my first snapper this morning! I am so excited! I have been out on the boat with the HG a few times and never caught much so I was thrilled to catch one today. We had only been out on the water and anchored up for about 30 minutes before I caught my very first one (and reeled it in all by myself!) but before I had a chance to celebrate I had put my line back down and immediately felt the tug . . . reeling up three of the suckers at once! Within an hour we had our limit and I had caught 13 of the 20. I think this baby is a lucky charm, clearly it is going to take after it's daddy in the fishing department cos mummy has never been much good at this fishing stuff . . . until now! And not even a teeny bit of nausea. SUCCESS! A wonderful start to 2011, succeeding at something new and spending some quality time with the HG. He has now gone off to dive for some crayfish and I plan to spend the rest of the day laxed out on the couch after my 4.30am wake up call.

Happy 2011 everyone! May you all be truly blessed.

HAPPY NEW YEARS!

2010-12-31T19:46:00.000+13:00

Just wanted to wish you all a happy new year! I won't be having a late one tonight as the HG and I have decided to go fishing in the morning (yep, I'm going fishing! Wish me luck!) I'm a wee bit cautious about these plans given my morning sickness but it hasn't bothered me at all the last day or two which is why I have been brave enough to agree to go, but still . . . I am also cautious about this 4.30am wake up and having to ride in the boat down the hill to the beach being towed by the tractor! Given it'll be 5am though I think we should be safe! I haven't been out on the boat with the HG for yonks so I am actually quite looking forward to it and hoping to catch my very first snapper. Will be sure to take a photo if I do! Spent a couple of hours at the beach today too and got a wee bit sunburnt (lesson learnt - DO NOT let you husband apply the sunscreen! Do it yourself. I am now patchy!) Not bad enough to concern me though, should fade by tomorrow (hopefully!)

I hope you all have far more exciting plans for ringing in the NY! For those of you who can drink, please have a glass of bubbles for me! I will toast you with my grape juice sometime tomorrow.

And to finish off - below is a poem I found which I think is appropriate for many of you:

Happy New Year

If it didn't bring you joy
just leave it behind
Let's ring in the new year
with good things in mind

Let every bad memory
that brought heartache and pain
And let's turn a new leaf
with the smell of new rain

Let's forget past mistakes
making amends for this year
Sending you these greetings
to bring you hope and cheer

Happy New Year!

xox

See you in 2011!

PROCRASTINATING

2010-12-30T11:18:00.000+13:00

Sorry I have been such a slack blogger! Quite simply, I really haven't had much of interest to report! I had a wonderful Christmas with family and the MS buggered off long enough for me to have a nausea free day and eat to my hearts content, which I may have done too well as Boxing Day was a disaster! I felt so ill again and vomited my heart out (and probably most of Christmas lunch) and felt pretty darn miserable. BUT it only lasted one day and the last few have been great (phew!) on that front. I think it might actually be starting to go away which is such a relief. I know it probably irks to have someone who is pregnant and should be embracing all that comes with it including the miserable reality of MS moaning about it, but I have since learnt that it is difficult to embrace something that takes over your life and makes you feel so miserable. Having said that though, I certainly appreciate the fact that I am pregnant! I am a few days away from the second trimester now (currently 13w3d) and super excited to jump into the next part of this pregnancy and out of the critical danger zone. I don't think I am ever going to fully relax until this baby is in my arms though.

I have spent the past few days really relaxing and not doing much at all except a bit of housework but it's been good and probably what my body has been craving. God knows I couldn't wait till work had finished so I could just have a break and put my feet up. Now though I am starting to get a little restless and should really tackle the spare bedroom (AKA the nursery to be) and start clearing it out but it is such a daunting task that I am procrastinating like crazy! It is currently our spare bedroom aka the HG's fishing/diving/surf gear storage room. Problem is we only have a 2 bedroom house and no storage (we don't have a garage and can't afford to build one at this time) so the task ahead of me is almost impossible. We really need to figure something out and soon. Not only that but I accumulated so much stuff when my mum died that was precious to her but I personally don't know what to do with it all. So many beautiful linens (she was really into her luxury and antique type stuff) that you couldn't possibly actually use it as it's far too nice so it sits in drawers untouched. Also scrap books of her gardens, craft ideas etc that she pored over and spent hours on that are of no interest to me particularly but I feel disloyal to part with. So hard. Anyway, I will procrastinate another day and worry about it tomorrow!

Oh, and a little birdie mentioned on their blog that next year is the Year of the Rabbit so I have a good feeling about 2011 and the remainder of my friends getting their long awaited BFP's!! Bring it on!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

2010-12-24T12:17:00.000+13:00

Merry Christmas everyone! I just want to thank you all for your valuable support this year. It's sure been one hell of a rollarcoaster. 3 fresh IVF cycles in the space of 10 months - one cancelled, one BFN combined with OHSS and finally our little miracle. I have no complaints. I am just so over the moon to be having a baby at long last and to finally have my Christmas wish come true. My hope is that for all of you who are still trying to get here that 2011 will be your year and I am just fervently praying that all your dreams come true. I hope you can draw some inspiration from the fact that we got there in the end with so many obstacles - 3 years TTC, 2 ops, a blocked tube, suspected PCOS, hormone imbalance, recurring uterine polyps, 9 cycles of clomid and 3 cycles of IVF. You can do this ladies!! And on that note . . . below is a photo of my bump at 12w3d. It may look like the dog is gazing adoringly at my bump but unfortunately he is actually gazing at his Christmas stocking hanging above my head containing one giant rawhide bone wrapped in bright red wrapping paper!

Merry Christmas and many happy returns!

I hope you all have a wonderful day!

THE GUESSING GAME

2010-12-20T07:26:00.001+13:00

I am going to put a link to this in my side panel so everyone can have a go. Let's see who's closest when baby is born! We have to start early and all votes will need to be in by the 20 week scan as we will be finding out the sex then (if baby cooperates that is!)

So how does it work? You comment with the following four guesses:

BABIES SEX

DATE OF DELIVERY (official due date is 4th July 2011)

TIME OF DELIVERY

WEIGHT (in pounds please, not familiar with kilos when it comes to baby weights!)

Whoever get's closest wins! I can't wait to see what everyone predicts! I might even have a go myself and see how close I am but I ALWAYS lose this game at baby showers though so don't like my chances!

I'd like to offer a prize but unfortunately being in NZ and having readers all over the world this could prove tricky . . . we'll just have to play for the title of expert guesser instead! Hehe.

Happy guessing everyone and can't wait to see what you think! Oh, and if you comment under annonymous make sure you put a name at the end so we know who you are!

NAMES

2010-12-19T13:14:00.000+13:00

I found a website last night in my search for a checklist online that I could tick things off and be able to refer back to time and time again without searching out a piece of paper. And since an electronic checklist removes the items that are done it makes it easier to keep track. I found one which is excellent and I found something else too and I think it has become my new addiction . . . it is a Name Adviser and you basically type in the full name you plan to name your child and it tells you the personality traits based on the numerology of that name. I thought it sounded like fun and then I put the HG's name in and it was uncannily accurate. I then put my birth name in and again, uncannily accurate. So I put the girls name we have chosen and I loved the results of that. And then I put in the boys name. Not so much! So I spelt it slightly differently and now I don't know which sounds better. I know I shouldn't read too much into it but I have always had an interest in these things and can't help at the back of my mind taking it into consideration. So here are the two versions of the name description (with the name removed - sorry girls but the name will be a surprise!) and I'm wondering which personality traits you would prefer . . .

SPELLING 1:

This name is highly sensitive, promotes cooperation and diplomacy, and makes everyone feel safe and appreciated. Flexible and passionate, promotes adaptability and survival against all odds. The name indicates understanding, compassion, and intimacy, and tends to draw support with tact and subtle persuasion rather than force and confrontation. Having an intuitive ability to avoid land mines and pitfalls, and a strong sense of balance, this name promotes a careful and competent decision-making process.

To some people, this name feels weak and incompetent. As a result, it is often underestimated.

Most positive characteristics: Cooperation, tact, flexibility, tolerance, insight into the human psyche.

Most negative characteristics: Fear. Lacks confidence, lacks aggressiveness when needed.

SPELLING 2:

This name reflects drive, a pioneering spirit, leadership, independence and originality. The energy behind this name is strong and forceful and promotes an unconventional, innovative, and decisive approach. Highly focused and self-reliant, the name carries with it an unmistakable "can do" attitude. It reflects confidence, energy, strength and perseverance. There is a definite sense of danger and risk-taking as well.

This name does not inspire patience and sensitivity, and does not promote cooperation or a diplomatic approach to problem solving. Think of this name as a masculine, aggressive, creative force.

Most positive characteristics: Strength, originality, courage, imagination, creativity, confidence. Good for competitive, high-risk ventures.

Most negative characteristics: Pride, intolerance, excessive aggressiveness. Not good for people-oriented ventures or healing, counseling and retail businesses.

And for the record the girls name we like says this:

This name reflects idealism, the good of mankind. This name is the humanitarian with the power to make things happen and the integrity to stay the course. A mover and a shaker, without a selfish bone in its body; this name attracts respect, support, and devoted fans. It seems even that the Universe tends to support what the name represents. Speaks to people of all walks of life. Tolerant and broad-minded.

This name pursues goals other than money and power. It seeks justice. It wants to feed the hungry and heal the sick. And yet, the resources it needs to do the job seem to always magically appear.

Most positive characteristics: Integrity, love for all, charisma. Encourages the best in people.

Most negative characteristics: Naive, seeks fame, vulnerable to criticism, not a good judge of character.

What do you think?

Finally, since we aren't set in concrete on a boys name at the moment, we are open to suggestions! We want something that is not common but not weird either.

PERFECT!

2010-12-17T17:02:00.001+13:00

I had my scan this morning and we have a very wriggly little bubba onboard! Bubs measured perfectly at 11w4d (so definately due 4th July 2011) and the initial tests for Downs Syndrome with the scan put us at very low risk but I still need to get the bloods to confirm. The skin fold was 0.9 and there was a very prominent nasal bone so the lady doing the scan said we are extremely low risk (PHEW!!) I am soooo relieved and amazed! The HG was just so giddy with excitement through the whole thing. The lady also kept commenting on how beautiful and perfect bubs looked. It took awhile to get all the measurements we needed as bubs wouldn't stay still and was waving and kicking around and doing somersaults. Heartbeat was recorded at 165bpm. I am so happy right now!

We are really having a baby! Wow! Maybe I can start to relax and get truly excited now! I have attached a couple of pics for you to see. Any guesses on the sex?

FREAKIN FREAKY!

2010-12-16T07:40:00.000+13:00

Something freaky happened last night. Or rather, I noticed something that freaked me out upon questioning the HG about it. As previously mentioned, I put the Christmas tree up on Saturday. The HG is NOT in the slightest bit interested in decorating the Christmas tree and I don't think he has ever helped me the whole time we have been together. I don't mind too much though because I am one of THOSE people who's tree needs to look just so. I start with the lights and then start hanging up the decorations stepping back every couple of minutes to see where to put the next one and to make sure there are no gaps, everything is spread out nicely and nothing is doubled up on the same branch or placed too closely together. I'm a perfectionist and decorating my tree is no different!

So imagine my surprise when I am lying on the couch and notice that the Christmas decorations have been moved around. Seriously. The first thing that occurred to me was that there were a few gaps that weren't there yesterday and then I notice that there are several branches (and when I say branch I mean a single branch, not a branch with heaps of branches coming off it - it's a fake tree BTW!) which now have two decorations on them. Huh? So I asked the HG 'What did you do to my tree?' to which he responded with a grunt of 'Why would I touch the tree?'. Good point. I pointed out that the decorations weren't where I had put them and that they were now doubled up on branches when I hadn't done that. He then became intrigued and pointed out about 5 branches on the tree where my decorations had been moved and were now doubled up like with a ball and a star placed one after the other on the branch. I didn't do that. He didn't do that. The cat and dog certainly didn't do that and no one else has been to our house since the tree went up.

Freaky much?

A CAT, A DOG & A BABY . . .

2010-12-14T07:37:00.000+13:00

I can't wait until Friday. I am just so excited to see this little baby again and make sure everything is ok so I can start showing off my bump (which is becoming impossible to hide!) and start shopping!

I put the tree up on Saturday with the help of my cat and dog (if you could call it help!). The cat basically attacked the tree and chewed on the Christmas lights and the dog just sat there staring pitifully at his Christmas stocking. He remembers that the last three years treats came out of the red stocking just like magic (and being a lab with a keen sense of smell can probably even still smell them) and so has taken it upon himself to cast surreptitious glances at said stocking combined with small cries every evening. We have given it to him to show him it's empty but even still he goes back to staring at it or moves around the tree to stare at the cats stocking. The cat on the other hand has now just taken to sleeping curled up under the tree and occasionally batting a decoration. I can't put the presents out yet because the two of them will potentially destroy them (the cat likes tearing up paper). It is certainly going to be an interesting dynamic when a baby is thrown in the mix cos these two are so used to having the run of the house.

Anyone who has pets and a child - how did they react to the new arrival? I know we have spoilt our two but until now THEY have been our babies (hence having Christmas stockings each!). Is this going to come back to bite us?

LACKING CHRISTMAS SPIRIT

2010-12-10T07:40:00.001+13:00

Sorry I've been so quiet. After the late night of singing and screaming at the Bon Jovi concert I came down with one hell of a cold. My body can't hack it the way it used to apparently. I took the last two days off work to recover quickly rather than risk getting sicker and I think it has done me the world of good. I feel halfway normal today!

This weekend I plan to spend quietly to avoid a relapse. I had ummed and ahhed about putting up the Christmas tree this year but have decided that I need to do it. This is a time to be happy and celebrate our last Christmas just the two of us and it doesn't seem right somehow not to put up the tree. It might help me get in the Christmas spirit that has been severely lacking. I'm not sure why it's been lacking. Previous Christmas's I spent in overload trying to be happy and full of spirit to cover the angst and pain of the holiday season without a pregnancy or baby. This year is the opposite and I think perhaps the fact I am so unorganised is what is hampering things. I'm stressed! I haven't finished my Christmas shopping, I haven't wrapped any presents and I haven't sent any Christmas cards. I think I am just so preoccupied with this upcoming scan next Friday that I can't concentrate on anything else. This is very much unlike me as I am the girl who has it all wrapped and ready by the 1st December so I can enjoy the lead up without the stress of last minute shopping. Really need to get my A into G and get this sorted so I can start to enjoy it!

Deep down I think what I am really doing is putting life on hold until this scan can confirm that we have a happy and healthy baby.

EXHAUSTED

2010-12-05T11:18:00.002+13:00

Wow, pregnancy really takes it out of you doesn't it?! I went to the Bon Jovi concert last night and it was fantastic! It's the second concert of his I have been to in the last 3 years (I'm a big fan!) and I had a blast. I wouldn't be surprised if our baby comes out familiar with the tunes after a night of singing, screaming and woohooing! I'm soooooo tired today though. We were home by 12am but I feel like I have been awake all night and run a marathon to boot.

The MS is FINALLY starting to ease off now (or so it seems anyway!) which I was stoked about UNTIL it occurred to me that not having morning sickness too bad anymore could be a bad sign? And then I had a little freak out! But I think I am just learning to manage it better and I am 10 weeks tomorrow which is about the stage I believe your HCG levels start to drop so hopefully that is all it is. We have two weeks until our 12 week scan and I am absolutely impatient to get to that day and see our little baby squirming away in there with a strong healthy heartbeat.

I've really popped now too, it's becoming impossible to hide the bump unless I wear very baggy tops and I tried on some pants last night with the intention of wearing them to the concert only to find they were VERY tight. Like, wear them at your own risk and split them type tight around the waistline. And my jacket that I practically live in won't do up across my belly without stretching (not a good look!) and yet another jacket won't do up across my bustline (huh?!). I brought some new tops but they make my bump very prominent and I want to wait until that 12 week scan before wearing it proudly at work as I don't want to have to explain to my clients at work if something were to go wrong (which it won't!) but you know . . . so some very strategic outfits will need to come into play over the next couple of weeks!

13 more sleeps!!

PASSING THE CHERRY

2010-12-02T08:05:00.000+13:00

How could I have forgotten! I was given this award the other day from the lovely BB at Single Mom 2B and thought, right I need to do this and then promptly forgot. Is it too early in the piece to claim baby brain? Anyway, thank you so much for the award!

The rules of the award are these:

1. Link back to the person who gave it to you

2. Pass it on to five (or more) other blogs

3. Leave them a comment telling them about the award

So I have given it much thought and decided to pass it on to five bloggers who have touched my heart and inspired me over the last few months and they are:

Melissa at Whole Heartedly

Foxy at Someday

First and Only IVF

Dandle Dreams

Steph at Born Still

**I also want to acknowledge another dear blog friend Gurlee who just

found out she has lost her precious baby at a little over 8 weeks.

Please stop by and offer her some love and support at Infertility Musings **

BROKEN RECORD

2010-12-01T07:52:00.000+13:00

I'm a bit of a broken record at the moment, hence the sporadic posts! I took yesterday off work because I had the most awful Monday, I couldn't even keep down sips of water and was just exhausted and so sick that I decided the best thing I could do for myself would be to take a day off to rest and recuperate as clearly my body is exhausted. I spent most of the day sleeping and having the craziest dreams ever! Back to work today though unfortunately. I swear they should have a few weeks maternity leave available for the first trimester as well!

Really looking forward to the weekend as I am off to the Bon Jovi concert! I can't wait! Luckily it's in the evening which is when I'm at my best for some reason, so as long as I eat a large meal I should be ok. Fingers crossed!

UGH

2010-11-29T07:24:00.001+13:00

I hate food at the moment. I seem to spend so much of my time occupied with thoughts of what I can possibly stomach to eat. The trouble is I crave something one day and then vomit it up and then can't stand the thought of it again. I seem to be going off everything and I am really struggling to think of food items that I can eat (especially for lunches at work). It used to be so easy to pop out for a nice filled roll or something equally healthy but you don't realise how few options you have until you aren't allowed things and I don't want to live on a diet of pies and cheeseburgers (ugh!). I just can't handle the thought of food right now whatsoever. And I don't want to be at work as for some reason my work environment really increases my morning sickness and I spend all 5 days of the working week feeling absolutely miserable. Of course I am thrilled to be pregnant but I am just so drained. Does it make sense to be happy and miserable at the same time?